--- © Poetry Section from year 2004 ---

The Oyster

I drink from the oyster that holds my existence and all of its cool salty wonder.
Washing upon the beach I pry it open
I thirst your goodness and grace to the point where my body weeps.
I am in awe looking towards you,
I'm stuck - caught in amazement, this morning by the coast
Bitter is my temperment, but alas
My body cannot control the emotion my mind and soul contains,
It pours out over me and tears roll over my skin
The pages of your word wrinkle on contact with the salt,
And for the first time I become aligned with you.
The deepness, the power of You, the Creator of All things
I love you Lord, and I thank you for picking me up when I'm injured and helping me heal.
I am but an infant deeply dependent upon you.
So spit into the dirt, and wipe the mud upon my eyes so that I may see - for I am blind.
I need not prove what my heart has already seen,
What my eyes cannot concieve.
Some things are true if you believe them or not.
Help me pick up the pieces to this broken sea-shell,
And search for the pearl within the oyster that you have placed in me.
Ignite my soul so it burns for you.
Jesus you carry me when my legs give out,
When my frail soul collapes from the pressures of this life.
I surrender everything to You.
There is still a battle that rages in a fury between the earth and the moon
And the weight of it is forcing me down upon my knees
It connects me to a supernatural sense of urgency for someone greater.
So you lift up my broken body, and I lift you up in praise.
I am a prisioner of Christ, rejoycing in the art of the shackles that are upon me.
Freedom lies within them
See the art painted upon my soul and help me become a true masterpiece
A Timeless piece, that floods of absolute beauty,
In Love for You.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Losing Myself

My head is buried in the sand,
With the age of becoming waiting to crash down upon my fragile soul.
Inside me lies a small person in a very big world.
I get up and dust off the sand, telling myself I will not give in
To the unknown evils that lay ahead.
Taking myself on a search for the strength my mind lacked made my hands ache
I touched everything within me, but not my lost soul.
Fearing the worst, I panic and cry out "Where are you?"
Recieveing the response of silence.
I have done the unknown and misplaced myself.
Lost within myself, being lost within this world.
All the fear lies in my eyes, and they stay closed as I count to ten
When I open my eyes I will only see my surroundings and nothing else will matter.
As I open my eyes I realize how beautiful it is
Looking and wondering into the night sky.
In the valley of the shadow of death I find light
The light that creates the shadow.
Please help me! I need you, I yearn for you
My soul cries out for you, for I am lost and nothing without you.
I'm endlessly sailing like a baloon that can't be grasped.
You cant grasp my reality.
I crash and tumble towards the earth, a part of my life is unknown to the naked eye.
I scream deeply and passionatly
So much my body begins to shake
Help me find myself, help me draw closer to you
It is my only prayer that my body aches from saying.
Please, I ask from the deep pits of my broken down heart
Help me and lead me home.
So as I stumble
I come across a leaf that makes me question the purpose of this life that I live.
Why do I think to question the artists vision in me?
Tears roll down my face
And as I look to the sky I now see a cloud that formed directly overhead.
In this one cloud a raging fury of nature is unleashed.
It bursts with a clap of thunder and I sit and quiver.
The rain pours down like golden leaves in the fall, as innocent as nighttime fireflys.
It enters through the gateway that I so often push tears out of.
The eye of the storm simply captivates me.
The rain washes the streets clean and filles the gutters to the brim
To a breaking point, it fills me to my breaking point.
You cleanse my insides and make me sting with newness.
I am new when you are inside me,
So take over this lost ship at sea, turn hard to starboard and calm the waters that rage in me.
Spilling my souls pixie dust into others lives
Leaves only me to clean up the blood stains that I've some how created by crushing my soul.
Make no mistake, I all together collapse without your structure in my life.
The red blood pains the walls to my everyday reality and the stench lives in my life.
But you help me pick up the pieces and start over, paint the walls and create a new me.
Only you.
I look to the sky again and the rain has now passed
Now its just me and this overbearing sky leaning against my vision and instict.
It drys my waterways and helps complete the metamorphsis in me.
For sin was the cocoon that glazed over my eyes
But now I see, even if as burry as a babys newborn eyes.
Lord help me find my eyes..
Lord be my eyes.
It is simple to walk blindly when you have it easy.
But when you trip, when you stumble or backslide your true motives are known.
Thank you Lord for leading the way
I look forward to our future.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Ocean's Heart

I am alone
I fear I might get disconnected from you
And the digital age has me addicted like a drug attic
It makes me believe everything's okay, when my soul is crying aloud
So I sit here writing like an early pioneer
With just the sounds of the ocean caressing my mind
This is the chicken soup to the soul.
And my Daddy, our father
Hand feeds this to us with a silver spoon
For we are nothing short of spoiled
And his grace is unmistakable to the naked eye.
So as I walk through the forests and hike up mountains
I stop to thank God for bringing me here.
Along the way I realize this road is hard, and long
But through the hardships and the misconstrued conceptions
You make it all worth while.
I am just a little boy with a sore throat
And now I have my cough drop
I can't help but give thanks
If not for my own breath
Than for my ability to write.
I can only imagine what its like
Above the earth looking down from heaven
And every day is complete
Except the days where I don't talk to you
My Best Friend..
Similar to the ocean,
Everyday people run to the beaches from bare feet on white sand,
To sandals or boots,
And we all leave our foot prints.
After the day is old,
In the 24th hour, the tide picks up
And erases the days impressions
New to the next person
New for the next day.
We are surrounded by your glory
And how close we are to being a beach!
Many times our faith breaks upon the weight of itself, like a wave in the ocean
And our faith is built upon a corroding factor
How many times do we build our faith upon a beach of sand
As we enter your presence
Life tends to seep everything but your very existence out of each one of us
We are left empty and short of breath, dizzy and lost.
The ocean waves start to attack
And break down our doorways to the soul.
Gutting our insides with a sharp razor, we are left with scars.
All we have to do
Is move to solid ground,
The rock on the coast.
We can sing of your praises
But so many times we are led astray
Help us fix our eyes on you Lord.
Let us lift you up as high as the north star.
And gaze in awe by your beauty.
Surely we can sing of your love
As nature does when the waves crash on a beach
Or the earth shakes
When the wind brushes a blade of grass
Or when we are silent in awe of your power.
Please help me to be more like you
Take my heart!
I long for yours, and to be like you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Walking on Water

It's a lot to handle
An overbearing panic attack
As my future crashes upon the shore
The deconstructing of my life
For the fog that covers my body will once again come to move
And I will be beside myself
Am I just a plane lost here in the clouds?
I fear this is the truth
So what can I look into
What do I see when I look into an empty broken me?
The world is so massive I fear I do not belong
I look to God, again and again.
When I'm drowning in the waters
It is Jesus who saves me
Walks on the water and calms my restless heart.
When the storm within me is too much to handle
He sends me angles
Who are by my side.
When I am lost and alone
He whispers my name
He tells me who I am.
Our God is an Awesome God.
We may not understand his plan
But his vision and passion is surely remarkable.
If we could only have a heart like his.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Magical Moments

All I could feel is this moment
For every word rang true like a chime in a church bell.
I lived for this moment, and for this feeling
When my chest gets warm like I just drank something hot,
And people can see the fire burning in my eyes
Reflecting the fire in Gods eyes
For even with your eyelids closed your body and senses scream for more as your eyes burst open.
So I harness this fuel and sit drinking some coffee
Engaging in night time cups of conversation.
I am numb to the truth of things, and sometimes even I can't see it.
Sometimes I refuse to see it, I don't want to acknowledge this is apart of me
I almost leave myself not knowing who I am.
For all of our lives we are trained to be a certain way
We are taught how to think, and where to think it.
Every single one of us has been trained by this world
But the worlds teachings and its future are today's epidemic.
Whoever says happiness lay in the sun
Has obviously never danced in the rain.
Everything is what you make it out to be, or so were told.
What is the truth for you.. may not be for someone else around you.
This is what is fed through the eye of the beholder, and eaten up by us all of our lives.
So alone I lay on my bed
Awake in the night time shadows of my bedroom
Staring at this blank sheet of paper is enough to drive me crazy
I must do more.. I must be and become more!
All this being written in the luxury of a dimmed light that shines my way.
But I shall not fear the future for myself,
I am free, forgiven of my sins
Baptized in the water
I took a public vow, professed my faith in the unseen
For my eyes don't need to see it
My hands don't need to feel it
And my mind doesn't always have to accept it
For my heart can see the undeniable truth.
I shall fear for the future of my brothers and sisters
Praying for every chance to talk to them.
If you really must see it to believe it
Then open the eyes of your heart
And you will know that it is all true.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Cold Rain

I can see clearly into the sky
Through the darkness of the night and beyond the stars.
Sitting in the silence of the night I feel the world around me
I sit, big eyed like a child who's eyes are fixed on insurmountable odds.
In the air I see my breath billow out like the thick fog of a morning shower
Reaching with my hands to the cracks of my car
To feel the warmth push out like a hot blanket.
The silence - disturbed by the sounds of a hot engine touching the brisk arctic air
Looking into the silver laced sky I sit and pray.
Closing my eyes I thank my Lord, for without Him
I am nothing.
Without him I have no purpose
With my Daddy we all are lost, in a world that is spinning out of control
I want to cry out in embarrassment for how clear everything is.
You always see through me, even if I front in a crowd of strangers
I'm as clear as a window to you.
Opening my eyes I am at peace
It is simply my minds elation to think of the distance and galaxy's that my prayers travel.
Fling wide your awesomeness and let it rain down like your abundance of grace shelters me from harm.
Getting up I began a walk down aside the road less traveled as it began to rain.
The rain is heavy with judgment
It is intense
Pushing me to the ground
I'm kneeling in the rain, blue lipped from the cold.
I can hear my heart pound in my ears and I clutch onto my heart..
Its all you ever wanted.
My mind Flashes back to a summer of innocence
Walking and dancing in the rain, happily soaked with the judgment of the world
I stop, stretching my arms with all my might so I can feel my muscles stretch out of place
Head up to the sky, screaming out and asking for a new life.
In an instant my mind jerked me back to reality.
As I realized I was lying face down I could feel the nervousness swarm over me
Searching for air like a wild wolf hunts for prey
Desperately I push myself up, lungs rapidly expanding catching any bits of air my mouth could hold
But a foot is on my back pushing me down
Crying intensely for my life I give and do all I can
I tried everything but making a deal with the Devil
And its simply not enough.
My life is at steak
So sit at a fancy restaurant and look deep into the silverware
Think of that night and that prayer that took place as you bit into my juicy reality.
I am saved from the rain, saved from my self and the skin I'm in
You see I have a father who is greater than all
He gave his all for me
All he asked is that I would give him my all, and I fell on my knees and gave all that I could
My broken-down self.
So instead of fighting with the stranger, the rain,
What is fed to me by this world, what I need.. and what I must have
I submitted myself to the Awesome God.
Thank you Lord for my life, for giving your life for me.
I love you Lord
You are my first, truest and deepest love that I will ever have.
Thank you Lord

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Ice

When my blood starts to ice over,
I inject the true love,
Boiling blood, burning for you.
Shot like a needle I can feel the warm infect my veins like a virus
Oh if we could all catch you.
I feel it take over my thoughts, and I start to sweat
Pounding through my eardrums, penetrating the head, the eyes
I sit, eyes watering.
Lord, please help me get through this day.
I need your help.
Taking up my cross daily,
Yes, I want the slivers that come with the wooden cross..
Because sometimes true love will drive nails into itself, all for us.
Lord thank you for all you have given me.
Thank you for my friends and family
If I ever needed a reason aside of You to become a better Christian,
Wait, there isn’t.
I strive to become better
Trying to live for You, and You alone.
Help me Lord
So as I feel my arm from the injected blood,
I sit in awe
Lead me to places where I do not belong
So I can bring the goodness of Your word.
Bring me to life.
Change me from who this world wants me to be,
To someone You can easily see in me.
Resurrect the deadened soul in me
For You I live.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Loving Eyes

I love you lord
Help me live my life for you
Yes, I can be a failure in the world’s eyes
As long as I’m pleasing to my Lord
You are all that matters.
And this part goes out to the lost
I pray that some day- they will find their way to You
Because there is only one way - through You.
I want to fit in with the crowd
So that I won’t feel like an outcast
I need You
So I can help myself cope with these eyes of judgment that are cast upon me.
I cry for You
Your silence is sometimes saying too much.
My soul weeps for Your love
We live in a world where abortion is legalized,
And people vote on political topics that are of the world.
It makes me think and wonder what everything is coming to..
Please help me so I won’t fall again
And when I do help me up and use the band-aids once again
For my knees are scraped and hands worn red
I need you to lift me up.
Be my balance and take the form you have in my life
You are my meaning, and I miss you.
Help me to share the word so I can tell all about You, and your Grace!
A secret I’ve kept for far too long.
So I sit in my room
With my head pressing against my wall
I can feel my head pound from the chaos of the day
And outside the day is now night, the light is now dark
The world is big and I am small
Nights like this are only feared about
So soon the angel of darkness will come
To take me away
This is the end of the world
Are you coming with me?
It’s all over the news now
Governments are in panic, people are lost.
Now they look for answers.
I pray for these people
I pray for everyone.
I shall die before I take the mark of the beast
And so my angel awaits me at my door
I suppose I should be happy
Reunited with everyone, but sadness overcomes
So many people are listening to what anyone will say
So many are grasping and searching, crying, hoping for a ray of light in the dark.
So many are so close and yet so far.
I wanted this day for so long, now its here - why do I long for more time?
I can stand before my Lord God
My Hero
And run to him broken down and alone
For You will take care of it all
And bring me to my senses.
Thank you Lord, oh how I love you
Please pray for those you love.
For now you see how I see the world everyday.
So many are lost.
So many souls are crying out for help -
And we have but a blink of an eye to show them the truth
Even less time for them to hear the voice of truth
Dear Lord, Please Work Through Me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Loving Blindly

So many must see it to believe it
Feel it to know it
But not I
I love based on the truth of who You are
Blessed are those who love blindly
Many times we do not understand what You tell us
But many times You are speaking directly to us
And in our language
Please help my friends find You Lord
Help them and their loved ones
They need You more and more each passing hour
And yet they don’t see it
Blinded by lies, they need Your voice of truth
Life is a funny thing
Please pray for everyone you love
And pray a special prayer
For those who have not yet met Him.
Once you know the truth - there’s no turning back
You won’t run or turn away from You - for if they have
They have not truly met you
Pray hard
Then pray harder.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Pouring Down

As the Rain Pours Down
I see the roof leak with stress
The wood beams cracking, giving in to the pressure
As the walls shake with the nervousness
That it will all come crumbling down.
So often Lord we are the same way…
As much as I try to express my love for you
Press the sweet joys of life through my lips
There are forces that prevent me and the full effect of you in me.
This is the 21st century - and I shout your name
When the time is right
So how do I live for you?
Breathe for you and let you take control?
How can I hand you the controls to my life,
If I won’t relinquish the controls?
I know you’re the best driver; you made the course and the car.
Help me for I leak when the rain pours
I want for people to be astonished with your love in me
For them to see so much of you in me – would be incredible!
Why can we shout your name to the heavens among a crowd of strangers,
But barely seek your face in front of crowds of friends?
We don’t want to dismantle a friendship, and put stakes through our life
We don’t want to do – what you have already done for us.
Yes Lord, I am giving you full control to my life
And whatever you want for me, I want.
Lord I know I’ve got a free will by the goodness and grace of You.
But I choose to live my life for you, and close to you and no one else!
So help me Lord and so many others improve
To live by the actions we cry for.
Lord please open my eyes to all that I do not see.
I Love you
This paper cannot describe how you make me feel
I tremble, and you make every hair on my body stand up
For this does not do justice, it is just a collaboration of words
Themes, images, and that’s not the experience.
So help my life take on a form of one you would be proud of
So everyone can say they see a little bit of you in me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Born into War

As a baby, we are innocent
But we grow up quickly and our innocence is thrown to the ground
Like a fleece placed over the lambs eyes, before we know it – it’s gone
And the Wolf moves in.
So I pull my sword from my sheath
Hot golden pureness dripping from the metal that made it
We stand on the front line, arm to arm
Not a word is spoken for we know we may loose our lives.
Trembling in our Armor we stand.
Shaking on the battlefield that is centuries old
“Lord help me fight this war
Give me and your army the power and strength to carry on
For oh so many are blind to their heart
And so many more accept things for what they seem
But the wolf is drawing near”
Blind, confused, out of control – we need to come as one body
And stand strong.
The Dragon is moving in with reinforcements
But we are assured to win
“Take this sword and help me charge into the Dragon
The one who drinks blood and seeks to cloud your words”
I strike the Dragon
A fatal blow –
But somehow the dragon heals itself.
Prepare yourself for battle
For all mankind will bow to the dragon and to their fate in the same breath.
Yes Lord, time is running out.
Your return is near
And scared by your power you instill in your people, the dragon will flee.
He may escape us, but he can never escape you.
Cleanse my soul in your blood
Lord keep me safe from all evils
And speak to me through my heart and teach me how to listen.
Help my heart continue to burn for you – but push me further
Until I have a chest that is red with Love.
A never ending passion for you.
Stoke the fire and add your word to keep me blazing along the way.
Help me find the right words for my brothers and sisters
So they can come on our army.
We are soldiers at war!
The dragon circles and scorns the earth,
Breaks apart now non-existent families, and turns many from you
Lord guide me so I can grab theses ears and heads that have turned on you
So that some day we can all sing of your praises
I love you Lord!
Help me!
Help my cause and my existence
And please help to open hearts of stone so we can let in the truth!

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

To Live For

I want to be like you
So they can look at me, and see bits of you within me.
I want to be an example, help me live by your Word.
I’ve got to admit I’ve fallen so far below – so many times.
And… you already know.
I’m trying so hard to live for you.
I want to be a holy example – make me more.
I give you my life, my mire clay
Show me how to live!
You wake me up inside and you show me love like I’ve never experienced.
Show me how to live out loud.
I am Yours!
Form me into a living example of your Loves effect.
Harden me and I will stand on the rock,
No longer will I build my home upon a shore of sand.
So I sit next to you,
And stare deeply into your face,
Into a face that physically isn’t there,
But has made me physically and emotionally aware of the war that is waging.
Looking into the face of someone who has a permanent place in my heart
You see, it’s not the speaker that holds you captive
It’s the story, the meaning of our life
So when the sun touches the mountains
It gives it life for the very first time,
Like when Christ made me ALIVE!
Giving Real meaning to this life.
When the clouds break and clear,
The sun shines through more powerful than ever
Filling the earth with energy
Like Gods Impact on me
He gives me feeling.
When the fall nights are touched by the amber leaves
The warmth from the summer still illuminates in them
Help me learn Lord, by the simple things in life.
Every time I open this Bible, I feel free.
Like I was drowning and lungs collapsing, I now can breathe
You are my breath of fresh air among the smog of the world.
It is you who brings me to life, and who I adore.
It’s driving through the autumn mist
And being in the middle of nowhere with the music blazing of righteous praise
Lord God Almighty! - Wake my soul!
Turning off the tunes and stopping in a small costal town
Walking the beach & calling your name.
I need you now more than ever
People mock you with their words, they strike at me Your son.
But through you my soul cannot have a fatal blow
My soul won’t be pierced or ripped to bits as long as I keep you inside!
The words I send up to you are empty shells that fire on a war that’s very much alive
Empty artillery
Fill me up inside and let my words penetrate the soul
Lord let me inject some truth in people!
I love you Lord – lift my soul and I will sing Holy!
You Are Lord God Almighty!!

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

Endless Presence

I sing in my room and dance to the music
I dance with tears in my eyes
Raising my hands, and lifting my voice
I do all I can to praise you...
For it's not the singer, it's the song that we sing.
I'm lost in the moment I dance with you.
For one brief moment, I get chills down my spine that tingle the depths of my soul
And in that moment I realize what I'm living for
I'm living off the memory of the love that died for me
For my bones like my soul - are empty without you inside.
I continue my walk of faith...
I can see myself, standing in the wind
With your presence lingering like a guardian angel.
I know you're with me, yet I know I'm alone
I walk the streets of darkness, and fall into a depression
Being selfishly abused, I bathe in the self pity of my self destruction.
I can do nothing but pray.
All through the night, I create books of untold prayers
Delivered to the doorstep of your ears
And when the night is building the morning, I raise my hands in praise
I let him calm the waters, cool the nights, and keep building the faith.
Let everything that has breath, praise him.
I will praise you with every breath I take
And though I may fail and I know I struggle
I will continue to try to be like you
With your help, I might find the way.
The beauty of your heart, is more than my eyes can bare
Praise the Lord God Almighty
Thank you Father for everything you've given me.
When I look at you, I feel complete...
I feel whole, and finally at peace.
I love you Lord.
Let me praise you until I take my last breath.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2004

--- © Poetry Section from year 2003 ---

Eyes Bound Shut

Sometimes I wish I had my eyes bound shut
So I couldn't see.
So I wouldn’t think I could see.
Only God could guide me.
But sometimes I mistake my blindness for sight
And I take my own path
I find myself in a stream with so many others
That it almost feels like home, but does that make it right?
In that time - I come to realize I have failed myself
And more importantly.. failed my Lord.
I'm locked into this life, and if I can tune into his voice
How can my life Ignore his voice?
Take this space between us, and fill it up,
Fill it up with the love that I've been longing.
Hold up, I'm trippin’
Is he designed to be mine?
Was I designed to be his?
Walking blindly into the darkness
It's fraud
Because without you I'm a dead man walking.
How can I let my past feelings and situations pass me by?
Situations that keep me on the run
But through your wisdom and power I'm driving head on.
Tackling with the greatest of force.
Come one.. come all..
Come and be hypnotized by the excessive force of God.
The force will shoot through your bound eyes,
Breaking the surface of the skin
You will be rejuvenated - and start to understand what it means to see.
You have eyes... Those of a baby..
And you see things for the very first time
Experiencing life through a new set of eyes
A new guideline
See life through my Fathers eyes.
My past was giving me a task, but my Lord took me to my limits.
Take me as I am, and push me to the limits of this life.
Without you I'm a dead man walking, and I give you my all.
Use this life as I lay at your feet.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Walking in Rain

I once took a walk down the street,
And the rain poured onto me, and in my chest.
I could breath in the humidity, and breath out my insanity.
I took that walk, hand in hand with God.
Turning the pages of my past deceit,
Past the massacres of life,
Looking beyond my failure
He helped me compose myself
Now I'm a part of his symphony
Singing his glorious tunes.
I was walking down the sidewalk,
I looked up
"God - Take me now!
I cannot live like this any longer"
Then I stretched my arms out as far as they would reach
"Praying to be anything but this in your eyes!
I need your help.. Where are you God?
And why can't I feel you?
Where has the world gone?
Where has my soul gone?
It has been So long since I've looked into the eyes of you."
With my heart throbbing I stammer on and look upward past the rain
Because the rain is just the stars in the sky - crying over lost life.
It does not affect me.
"Lord God Almighty...
Please take my frail body
Take me and make me into a working living example of what you see due
I give you my all!"
I once took a walk down the street,
And the rain poured into my eyes, and onto me.
And as I stood there I realized that I must be doing something right in my life,
Or the devil would not have worked so hard to fight against my will.
God answered me that day in a way only he could.
I could try to describe the feeling...
But you would only be missing out for yourself.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Passing Rain

Passing Rain
Promises built on a foundation of mud..
And, yes...
It is too late to keep these promises
Ghosts of what a friend use to mean.
I feel as though I am struggling to find myself,
Needing to make up all of the time I have wasted, - to find myself?
Finally catching up I rest - panting, gasping, and trying to catch my breath
And I fall behind as the golden leaves once again fall into my palms.
The scene is surreal.
The wind whisks up the leaves and they brush against my legs as I stand still
Totally numb from all feeling.
Give me something, for I can not take this...
As you sit at an all you can eat character assassination feast
This is the night
With me as the main show.
And once again I am in the car stuck in the mud, wheels spinning
The drivers sick of this game with Nature - screaming to the sky for help
And still getting no where.
I Scream for you.
So loudly that the glass shatters and crashes upon my faith and crumbles to the earth
It is not about religion. It is about faith...
That one thing stretches deeper and wider into me than anything else,
Like the purified water that trickles off of my skull.
I don't really know what I'm asking anymore..
In fact I think I've lost myself in the question...
So I bow my head and return to the maker, helpless as I always have been.
I need your help to get through this
Forgive me for ever losing sight,
I was blind, like those words you whispered in my ear.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Pinole Drivers

I drive myself crazy,
All the way home from seeing the beauty of you
I am thinking of you..
I feel like I’ve made a mistake
And you can see the trust shatter on my face like a broken piece of glass
My abyss.. the dark pearls of my eyes grow deeper and wider
As I see you walking away.
The angels scream at the horrid nature of this
Yet my eyes stay wide open
And it drives me crazy.
I wanted to look into your eyes, hold your hands
And stay in that moment with you forever
Because there’s no greater power than the power of love.
I love you
Our hands released and I felt my heart drop down to my knees
And my love start forming in my eyes as I walked looking back
It hurts me so much - things must be like this for now.
Its like there are blisters on my soul -and it makes it hard to walk
It makes it hard to go through each day without you.
I love you
I really love you.
My love for you is deep like an ocean, and oh so pure.
I feel like I am scattered like fire on a spoon
I feel like it's going to be me standing beside myself
For now Its me kneeling beside my bed,
Asking for God to never take away something this precious to my heart.
Thank you Sabrina - for everything.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003
Dedicated to Sabrina

Kapalina

I don’t know where my old life ends,
Or where my new one begins
For I am as giddy as a school girl can get
When I talk to the likeness of her.
I feel my struggle with life
Trying to control it so much, I ruin all I had
And more -
I can't escape it,
So what do I do?
I either live this life of recognition
Or form to his precision.
I can feel the rays of the life blow beneath the trees
And the color of it, never as true now as it was before
When I talk to you - All time stops.
For a moment, the world stops spinning
So I embrace it.
Escaping the realism of this world
All because my mind cannot fathom the meaning of this word - faith
So foreign is it to me that I choke on it
I feel so embarrassed, that I point to you
So people can stop looking through to me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Long Sunsets

I look into the eyes of this magnificent sky,
The sunset- it's Gods canvas of beauty.
With my tree branch that I climbed onto- and my knapsack, I embark on a leap of faith.
I stand chipping away at my faith, cast into the void
Hoping that it will be able to move a mountain.
I pray for the heavens above to open up its gates
And condemn all the alienation I have on my face.
For I am feeling so defeated with no plan,
Like my windows through life, broken from the pain of living
Your love once burned so brightly within me
Like the hot coals, but I collided with the ocean
Steam brought me into a cleaner form
And now I have a wet flame, extinguishing the fire
The flame that once showed me love.
I am much afraid of this leap of faith without a net
Only your hands to catch me,
And I am so scared as I fall
And yet you catch me and lay my soul by your feet,
Lord, come to me and light the fire in my eyes
Be my pilot, my driving force throughout life
We can walk the straight and narrow
The meadows and the forests
To bring life, to bring salvation
For I am blind like a baby to this bottle of wine that you call life.
And everything becomes so much sweeter when you show me grace
With you my life shoots like a rocket through the stale sunset
As we walk the distant lands of life, my eyes change color,
And now my eyes burn like the sun tears through the clouds on a long sunset.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Train of Emotion

I feel like running away from my so called life
And take the midnight train to storm out of town like the passing of the trade winds
Nobody will see me.
And even if I could see myself, my eyes feel like they are collapsing due to the weight of life.
Stopped in an intersection, a railroad crossing singing to me
With nothing to be seen for miles, I listen to the chimes.
Dare me to run blindly into the night like I have no hope?
Take my eyes away from me lord
And let me have a purely blind faith,
Faith from the soul, I track the land looking for you
When all along you were with me.
Let it be enough in my life to discover happiness.
Dare me to fall out of your life?
Unlock these feelings and words to me, hiding in the cabinet
The feelings that will let me drink from the river of salvation
For nothing is what it wants to seem
My expressions tell a tale, but my meaning is missing
I am sleeping through life,
Wake me up and give me meaning to my existence.
Show me.
Do you hear what I hear, or feel how I feel?
Do you cry like I cry?
In the bathtub, tears of a sort streaming down my face,
Because nobody can see me, nobody can hear me.
The tension slides like the water mixed with electric on these tracks of steel
The venom of the earth spits upon my face,
Dripping - stinging as if to pierce the skin
But I wash myself through the dancing drips on my body
And cleanse my soul purely white
I love the rain.
I want so much to blame someone else,
And to point the finger elsewhere
Because I thought that if everyone was pointing at you
That they would be able to do what they always do
See through me, past me.
The emotional map of my emotions
Like a stargazer looking to the sky
Shows me this mess of my existence
And how to plot my course
By searching out God, as my North star
Railroad crossings in the rain
Chimes to shake the earth and free me from my shackles.
My life of before was digging my grave
And dragging me down with my emotional downfall
Suffocating me until I could hardly breath under the muddy murky water
And when it becomes a chore to breath and you are gasping off every breath
It dawns on you like a new day.
I think its time to change.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Beach of Faith

I turn the frail pages of my owners manual to life,
And I look upon my beach of which waves crash my faith like the passing tide
My home - my sand castle is collapsing, and turning to clay
Covering the Bible, I stand and hear the seagulls in the distance
I stretch out my arms and scream to heavens gates
Hopefully you will find me down here
Among the billions.
I believe my every second is caught by you
You and your supernatural power lurks in the blood work
Of people who have a fire burning through their veins for you.
Make me a Jesus freak.
Take the wet clay that lay on the shores of my beach and mold me.
Give me reason to my life, for it can only be found through you.
You hear all prayers.
Lord please be with my friends,
For if all they ever accomplish in life is to know you, that’s enough.
The words of truth fall blindly upon their ears, not reaching their souls.
I am a soldier at war
And as I arm myself with the word of God,
I discover who I really am.
Thank you for all of my friends, and bless them in their lives
Bless them and hopefully one day - they too will call you Father.
But Jesus, I have but one question,
The only thing I can think of when I think of your frail body on the cross,
Is why did you die for me?
It all seems so helpless in this mundane existence
It seems all I could ever do is never live up to the man I want to be in your eyes.
Help me be the man you want me to be,
And never let your will pass me by so easily again.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

The End of Jesus Freaks Projects (JFP)

Terrorists broke into the house,
Waving the pistols, like madmen in the face of the innocent
It was bible study, every night - same place.
Now it was this family of three, rounded up and pushed into fear
The terrorists grabbed the Bible from the fathers hands,
He threw Gods word on the ground and shouted instructions
"Before anyone will leave, you must all spit on this Bible you hold so dear!"
Visibly shaken the father could barely build up any spit,
He cried as he spit on the book, and crawled away in shame.
The mother still crying choked out "forgive me God" and spat on the bible
The daughter, about 16 years old, walked over in front of the terrorists
Bent down and picked up the bible.
She then wiped off the spit, and said "Lord what have they done to your book"
Before she finished her sentence the terrorist pointed the rifle to her head and she fell.
The walls are colored with voices
Painted with the red life of this little girl
But what's this?
It's the theory to see the things that happen, will change you.
You cant erase it
And I end up unraveling like a ball of yarn
How do you see when your spyglass is looking through the fog?
I lay my head and extend my hands to pray
Tears overflowing.. "God please forgive my sins"
Knowing you are my only hope to survive
I strive to bring your goodness into the hearts of others
So take the still frames in your mind
You know, those words you speak, and keep you hidden beneath the dark deep water
The storm will pass, and you'll still be by my side.
It hurts to know that what you once thought love was, is only a fallacy
But it brings you great joy, knowing that he is there.
I was waging war against this spiritual darkness
Crying out to him, so maybe my soul would feel its worth
And someday wake me from this nightmare
I sat and listened to the silence
And if you listen closely you can hear
You can play back the legions of angels Jesus never called while pinned on the cross
I lock the door and cast my spell again
The world to fuel my chariot of fire
It's showing my insides like before
But now, I shine with this light of mine
And it helps me take up my cross, daily as I pass the mocking crowd.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Doorways

Welcome to the outer layers of my existence,
Where clouds fill the overbearing sky,
And where heaven finds a way to rain on my clouds, even from high above
I am wandering the skies aimlessly, like a lost care bear.
The waves of this white fluff crash and crumble upon me
Even though I am breaking the habits of life, I am gazing at the setting sun
Watching the sunset on my canvas I've painted for my past.
The bright light suffocates my eyes of all normalcy and I look away.
It makes me reach out and grip onto Orion's belt hanging in the sky.
Hanging like an angel in the sky, I look around.
What massive beauty for such an enormous sky.
Like the bread crumbs of life were spilt,
And shot through some bright light paper, endlessly falling and scattering where they may
And now its making me skip the stars for years, like a child would be skipping rocks
To you - it's the galaxies - to me it's the breadcrumbs of my life.
These are the keys to the answers my friend,
And you should not be in my way - in front of the doorway
Of everything the creator of this universe is calling me to be.


Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Only thing left

I finally fooled myself
Fooled myself into believing I could count on others
I have never blinded myself for my own satisfaction in such a time period ever before
And now I start to look at things with the eyes of a newborn
I gave up everything - for nothing.
Only the paperwork that was never finished.
And on the hottest of nights, the paper engulfs in a flame - a passion of life.
The moonlight will then peer into the water, with the man in the moon inside trying to release himself-
But somehow is caught and even with all his might - cannot move,
The moon peers the very same way the coyotes peer into a flock of sheep
And the waters only reply, are some drops - ripples in the water to sympathize
Leaving a distorted reflection of everything I never wanted to see.
I'm not leaving on a jet plane
But I will get out of the drivers seat I'm in.
And stand outside of my world, stepping into everyone else's reality.
Because the path that I'm on is self destructing before my own eyes
And I am the only one who will always be there for me.
Nobody ever cares enough to do anything about it
So I will use the help of my manufacturer
That has only been a phone call away, all this time
So please don't talk to me about friendships like you are some expert on my life
I've had enough lying and misconception to last me a long time
It left me with the obvious - what I had all long.
One best friend.
It bothers me that my other friends are too busy for me,
Lie to me and try to get out of doing things with me; I assure you pure happiness fills in me.
Thank you - all of you, for with your actions alone
I have made the biggest decision I have ever made in my life
Bigger than Portland?
Oh... Yeah.
I guess you could say that if you don't break down laughing at the intent of the question
I'll keep you guessing, so keep that grin on your face.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Streets of Life

I want to call you up
It scares me that I am feeling this way
And you are taking it so easily.
I just want to call you up and tell you that I do miss you,
And that I do love you
I sit in my soup of emotions - Campbell's soup no less
And I spell out some sort of pity, like the way a child would
With my alphabet soup and my spoon, engineering the words like a conductor to a train.
I get up and start to walk outside
But the street is empty
And all I can do to contain my emotion
Is break down on my knees and cry for help.
Even in the smallest of towns - someone will know.
Someone knows.
Life is kind of like walking down the street,
Sometimes you run into some bush or tree arm that you didn't see,
Ripping the flesh off of you - making you sting internally
And on the outside you bleed.
Sometimes you will sit at a stop light, and be held up at gun point,
Having the masked murderer force you face flat among hundreds and take away with goods.
And then you have times where everything will go right,
Where nothing seems that it could get any better,
And somehow finds a way to climax on the smallest things.
The secret is being able to smile after the good, and the bad.
Being able to contain everything into to a word, or phrase.
That my friend - is self control.
I live in my world of self control.
Someone knows about these streets of life
And how every turn we take - we try not to hit a dead end
For the piano keys of the road are painted but in a pure white.
Magnified by the glassy cherry oak that lay on stage
The spotlight leaning on it, the way you try to steal the spotlight from my life
Sometimes its hard, but the light will fade, and the applause will ring clear to your ears,
Broken, alone and in the shadows of others glory, makes me not want to believe anything.
Sometimes I'm only left with a sweet memory of what life is supposed to feel like.
One day, they will feel my pain I carry inside,
And everyone will cry with me, and hold my heart the way the would their own.
And if you hold on to the faith of God, he will fill all voids of life
Leaving you with the decision of what road to take,
What life to breath into, and see out of.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Reign On My Mind

Whisking through the air carelessly
Piercing the sounds of silence,
Penetrating the innocence of my youth,
The invisible bullet hits me - and makes my eyes water for a reason
It makes them growl with the hunger of life.
It is my minds elation to go home and take out a sheet of paper
And scribble down the words that feed in my brain,
Leaving only a stain of what cells use to look like after the night is old.
Every letter that I write bleeds its meaning into my head and is stroked through the paper
Embedded forever on the opposite side of the growing tabloid of my life's events
And impressed into the wood grained desk - leaving a signal of what's to come,
The red cloth is being forced over my eyes enraging me like a bull,
It enrages me to have to look at you this way, in contempt
So much I start to bear some cold sweat - and I wipe my brow
Feeling the warm fingers wipe across my forehead makes me look around,
And I try to make myself upon the shoulders of the youth I once had.
But this life no longer has the energy that it did before,
Everyday that I go through - it just makes everything ache so much more
The bones just rub against each other, and the grinding plays in my ears.
In a way its the undisputed beat of my heart,
And that is but a countdown, to quitting time.
And as I try to pilfer the blood that I lost on my sheet of paper,
I feel as though I am a thief in my own home, watching myself destruct before my own eyes.
So meet me in the atmosphere and watch the sun collide with life
Until you feel like me, an earth eating itself alive - but shattered with a broken sphere
And how many tears will I shed upon my own life -
Just to watch them perish like a lost soldier
And as I look around for help - I discover I am alone.
I am solo, and lost in space - in a universe I've created.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

One and One

Entry log :
Year one, Day one,
It has been a long time since I have written here last,
For I have been able to discover some secrets, hiding from me,
I have been able to watch the waterfall of life trickle through the field.
And slowly but surely every last drop is drained into the sea
So I began walking through the waves of the crowd that was before me
And I was but a mast cast out at sea, sifting through the water
I stretched out my hand, entrenched in the darkness I reached into
Looking for some lime light, to shine onto me.
Instead, like a blind man, I staggered
With the shifting of my boat from the violent waves, I was thrown into chaos
Stepping on some glass pellets, I shattered reality.
It now lies broken before my feet, like the hands of time to an assassin
My face was searching for an expression, but could only produce a sigh
As I dropped to my knees and bent over,
Pressing my forehead into the wood grain of the deck.
Opening these secrets that lay hidden in the ashes makes me face myself.
And I look at the reflection of my face hidden in the deck
Smeared from the water splashed on the deck, I see me.
Is a paramount move, a colossal overturn in my everyday lifestyle
Forcing me - to jump ship, and find out why these eyes water
I finally get to see what I've been missing all along
And as I try to navigate this sea that I call life
I realize whole time everything I needed was right in front of me
My tools, my judgment, and mind had been left behind.
This education is numbing to my hands, and I fumble with the nights black sky
For I am blindly searching for my answer, and I call out for my captain...
Where is the entrance to the ocean?
And what hallways must I pass before reaching my goal..?
These words echo through the halls of my doom,
And if I choose the wrong path, that's all I'll ever hear
But I am solo in this world of water,
And I have painted my destiny for myself, being cast away from all others
To a place where I can rest with the lost souls, and wonder where I went wrong.
Maybe someday, I will write in my entry log again,
Maybe someday, I'll find my way.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Brandy's Night

Late at night I opened my window,
I sat on the windowsill, as I peered into the free world.
The night sky shone like some laced black velvet shirt
And the diamonds sparkled especially bright in the sky tonight.
Opening the window, I creep - trying not to break the silence
The grass was crisp and crumbled upon touch
And I could see my breath, it gave me great resolution
The calming effects of the cool summer nights.
I hunched down, and moved to the sidewalk where I sat
The humming of a propeller engine flying overhead
The smell of the crushed blueberries
As I made my way across the garden, their shell broke like water
Now I sit here, hands purple from eating them
Stomach filled to content
And the feint smell of hay, as the night locks down
This setting, it's almost like God painted this night
Like the walls of the kitchen are crème, all in his beauty and grace.
There's no time to say goodbye, the moon has set in the enchanting sky
And the sun has begun its way up
So I walk back across the lawn
And look back to wonder where the time went
For it seems like the hands on my watch stopped ticking,
And instead of holding time, it jumped ahead

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Never Crazy

Standing in the doorway,
I am captured by your eyes
But my eyes are fixated on this love,
This love, that is written so deeply I get chills,
It's so deep - I breathe it through the letters you write.
Just the smell of you drives my mind crazy.
It tingles my senses, and entwines them with my crazy life.
I keep pushing, so I am not disconnected from my thoughts of you.
I can't get you out of my mind,
My system is flushing all emotions,
But the residence you have taken up - is staying.
And for now, that will be enough for me.
It makes me happy, for the lifeline I have
Is something that I can look back on, and play the odds.
It may never happen,
But I rise my fingers up and tap my temples
For you never know how life can take a turn.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

My Insides

All my life,
I have had dreams of becoming something.
To Be someone.
And here I am - out of school, not even working.
Nothing anybody says seems to faze me.
Even if I start now,
It is too late for my own desire.
How do I explain it to anybody,
To have them understand this is my life
The apple of my eye is rotting with my life.
Wallowing in my own pity I have rested upon myself,
And when I go to lift it, it's too heavy to move.
Why do I do this to myself?
This feeling of hopelessness just grows in my body
Like a dying plant,
How much soil do I rest on?
The lost city of Atlantis is just beyond my grasps
Where I could be everything I want to be in my minds eye.
But why do I let you breath my fate?
Why must you have the control to my future?
Nobody understands me.
And how much of a troubled teen do I sound like to you?
How much help do I need?
Nobody understands me.
Everyone tries to, but nobody really gets it.
To see someone who has it all,
I pale in comparison, and feel most invaluable.
It's my chain reaction that happens more than I like,
But I can drift off and forget about the life I live
So I wont have to deal with the present
But each day they grow bigger, and the roots stretch deeper into me.
Making my insides hurt.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Top of the World

When I climb on the roof of my home
I go to the top of my world.
Watching the night tide come in like an ocean
I see these waves of darkness hold the night with power,
And I sit glaring up at the sky.
I am overjoyed, and it is my minds elation
For the space between the star and the blue moon
Is the air that fills my lungs, and breathes my freedom.
It is the very same air that gives me the frame work to my mind.
Laying down the challenge of the elevation
To your spirit that fly's far beyond my grasp.
But not even the highest point, the furthest distance can sway my determination
My challenge to keep chasing, and catch you.
The joy that I hold in my heart when I am with you,
Is only something I can feel.

But I am only a painter that let's you see into my soul
Like a painting, you see swirling divine lights from God
Glimmers of hope.
A self portrait of somebody I thought I knew.
The thought alone, that I don't know my own self, scares me into submission.

I walk down to the park,
And while the park lights shine down on me, I stand
The rain clutters my hair with moisture,
Leaving me with no choice but to smile as I sit on a bench.
Yet the emptiness still sits in the cool blue sky, and leans on my shoulder
Pressing against my chest and my very foundation.
Nothing seems to shake the loneliness in my dark brown eyes.

Still in my distant discovery, I search for you in the sky,
The silence sits in the massive space reserved for the heavens
And the loneliness displaces me among the very existence of my life.

It's the pinnacle time of the gloomy night to drink from galaxies of wonder
And soon a morning can't help but rise, reflecting in my eyes.
Showing me I am more of an artist than a speaker.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

With A Paintbrush

With this token of power, the nation will fall
Yet I thought my life would take on a life of its own
Somehow I sit here, and try to form clay to a jar
So my life can be filled up with happiness.
But the knife that stabbed into my life
Spewed out something unknown to the skin I'm in
With a paintbrush, you can make time stand still
Its having a picture within a scene
It is my will.
My reconciliation.
And I will wait until my deep blue seas turn a darker shade of blue.
And wait until love can break the shackles of time that were bestowed upon my wrists.
Love knows no boundaries, and my heart knows this
And my head rejects the thought of it.
Making the love that was soiled with red on the ordinary canvas
So much richer with color - so much unordinary
Yet it is all done within my minds eye.
It is no secret that love is the easiest thing I can write about,
Just get me going on my desire to find someone for me
Someone who I can talk to, and call my own
Rapidly becoming emotional I do what I can to save what I have.
I raise my voice as I surrender to the bells chiming with heartbeats
And I wait to have my destiny painted upon my soul.
Painted to accent the fresh skin underneath the shackles, and the mind.
My life is a canvas, a work of art in the making
And when it is finally finished - it will be a masterpiece
When all is said and done, I will have found my place.
Found my true friends,
And maybe started to discover - what I can really become.
These words I write, are for your eyes in this time of need.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

The Battle with Rays of Hope

A love struck boy went up in an attic
To snoop around in his grandfathers absence
Inside the attic he found a metal trunk
With locks still closed.
So intent on opening and finding what was inside
That he had not noticed his grandfather enter the room
The old man smiled, and the wrinkles on his face were more apparent than most people his age.
Without saying a word he took his keys out and unlocked the trunk
Wild eyed the boy looked in awe as the old man showed him swords.
Swords that were longer than he was, and a Bible older than him.
His lips opened and he started to tell a story as the boy looked up

The smell of defeat was in the air
Its stench heavier than the smell of rain
The Gods - far above - weeping over my life.

I was standing by a rock with my sword drawn, standing alone in the rain.
I cried, I wept - to the Lord
"I push and yearn to not lose a day
To not live a day in vain
And to not waste my precious gift of life that you have given me
I feel that if I win anything from this lifetime -
It will only be my ticket to come join you God
But this is no excuse because I still seem to waste time.
And it is the heaviest of crimes my soul can carry
I fear I have failed you."

The boy grew tense listening intently on the words spoken

He spoke to me
In the minutes after - I prayed on my life
He told me that he sent me an Angel years ago,
He told me that not all breaks are forever - and feelings age lifetimes less than us.
So if I love her
I should run to her and extend my arms
Tell her how much I want her, and how much I love her.
And if she turns away from me in question
I should not shy away
For her tears of question, may break my heart
But it is her tears of joy that will mend my broken heart back together.

Looking up to the sky I felt revitalized.
For the sun burst through the clouds and shone on my face
Drying up my fear of failure, and showing me new rays of life.
Giving me - rays of hope.

Turning to the grandson he told him
"Remember those rays can shine on you anywhere,
Remember hope is around the corner - you just have to find it."
The boy looked deep into his grandpas eyes, and smiled.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Hit the Deck

Put my brain on tap
And look at the wires that hold the juice of my mind
And feel your retina burn
Knowing that this is the last stop, before home.
My house built out of cards is about to collapse
But the smell of aged leather that covers the bible is sacred to me
It opens some old forgotten words,
Telling me, it is good to struggle and be confused about faith
For I struggle with the confusion of faith.
When you think you have it down, it will hit you
Like a bag of bricks, you will slip and fall.
The hard rain hits me and throws me on the floor to the deck.
Like this deck of cards you carefully hold with your hands
Deal my life,
And rid my spirit of this anguish.
Give me happiness, feed me this drug called euphoria.
Cleanse my body as I am reborn
And help me have the power to look in the mirror
To see who I have become
The world is turning on my revolution
Heads are spinning when the word touches my lips
And when you think you finally have your faith down,
It dawns on you, that you haven't even read the first chapter yet.
And then you can finally realize its strength and power
Use your time on this earth wisely
Pray until your blue in the face,
And bring your A game to the table when you lay it all down
For you never know when the game will end.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Streaming Music

The rain dries up, while the sun comes out
All this time, the music starts to play on our senses.
Everything is in the glorious wonder of art that comes from these speakers.
It is the games that nature, and your ears play on you,
Only to help me realize the world is a depressing place to be.
Like I'm stuck on an island
So I'll turn to the digital media,
I'm going to sit here
And watch the computer screen turn my oblivion into a mass of white
While I, the hero
Fade into the unconscious state of what I call close
The closest I've been to happiness in a long time.
Thank goodness for these tunes that blaze out of the speakers
It is the music, yes the music that relates to us
It touches our life
Like painting on a canvas.
Not some star on TV that touches millions
It's all fake
They only seem to live our life as we would.
They only seem to be as close to us, as the glass screen on the TV they are portrayed in
Sitting a few short feet away from you
And living lives so different, so far from what we call reality.
They are as close, yet so far as they seem
Nothing more but a million short miles away.
It is the music that plays in our hearts
And the music that plays through the storms of our lives
That saves us all.
For in the blink of an eye.. we wake up in our misery
Turn off the radio and proceed with life.
Yes, even the most important things in life go un-noticed.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Self Centered Moonlight

And on this night, it is just me and you
Our two minds collapsing upon the night
The darkness falls, but the moon is our friend.
I can see the moonlight sparkle off your eyes
I can't stand to look at you any longer,
Knowing that the night is soon to end
Sure, we can talk until no end
But the sun will rise, and the moon will fade
But will the glimmer of the moon fade in your eyes?
For it is the smell of aged lifetimes that can break the heart
The heart and the romance to even the closest of soul mates
And if we are to be together
Fate will find a way.
Our minds can only converse so much - but we have no control
No control of the days that lay ahead.
So I sit in my room with this pen and pad
Trying to make blueprints of us.
Not yet understanding that our lives are predetermined from the start.
Be are we predestined?
Maybe it was just now that I realized I don't hold the keys to the future
And I have no way of opening the doors that are to be opened.
I have to wait my turn, hope the card deck of life deals me up to you.
To see if things go as I plan..
If they do not - I must have faith
That something far better is lying ahead - in store for me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Spring

I run my hands on the back of this old leather jacket
Oh the smell of my daddy's wallets.
My bones shake in anticipation, in weakness - but I still stand.
Staggering like a blind man and as tipsy as a drunken sailor
I catch on to you, latching onto the skin.
The feeling of the rough scaly skin reminds me of a snake
But the smell of spring brings the feeling of love in the air
Do not be fooled by the actions of others
And treat them like you would want to be treated.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

In the Night

In the night, when I'm not sleeping I get lost in thought.
I take my tongue and roll it along the edges of my teeth
I am lost.
Sitting in my closet with the doors closed, and my back turned on the world
Despite the clock telling me it's four in the morning, the light stays on.
Pacing the room, I leave and go to the kitchen
Walking blindly into this world of darkness, hearing the floor creak beneath me.
I fear that it has been so long that I have wrote more than a few sentences
That my hand will be blistered in the morning when I wake up.
Looking out of the kitchen window, I find the earth is sleeping
Yes even the rain has called it a night.
It is nice when you get up and see some life, something - anything
Just to know, just to have the feeling that you aren't alone.
So as I jot these words down - handwriting like a third grader
I sit in the misery of my mind playing tricks.
It is my minds song, that plays over and over in the dark
For at this time, not a light is to be found inside my head.
It would take some magic - Disneyland magic of some sort
I fear I shall never get to bed,
The words tingle my paper in fear it is true.
Running my fingers through my hair, only to have some fall out
What is the meaning of this mindless trap that I am in?
I fear I shall never know.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Cold Twelve

Everything hurts so much more when its cold outside
And you're looking at yourself in the mirror
Crying, but you don't know why
Its like a chore in a hearse that carries your secrets
Carrying on the burden - keeping closed the casket
It's something you don't want to do.
There has to be a reason I'm still believing
Hanging up this picture is like a story being told through the wall.
It was the start to a portrait of an apology
In your song
But if I'm lucky, we will dance to the song on the radio
For if I fall - I might not rise up again,
And then I would lose my chance with you and at this dance.
It takes two to tango, but I'm out by 1..
So if your Cinderella, run it by me again.
Just turn your sleep into a dream and do it again.
The fear takes getting use to,
The cold twelve strikes of midnight
Like these scattered pieces of my life - I call art
You are the bird of prey,
And yet I still wear the scarlet letter for you.
Why?
It is a picture most can paint with the blinking of their eyelids.
Yet I can still taste the sun with my tongue
And the teardrops of the moon still tingle my ears
But all flirts are real, until dismissed
So come with me down this hollow hall
And breathe some life back into me.
These thin wiry arms can't take much more
For if they are exposed
You will see the deeper image standing inside me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

1941

Crying into your soul
You crumble, and stagger.
The fire shall be awoken from the tear that rolls down your cheek.
Snakes rise from the ashes that lay on the ground of your carcass
For the frost on your eyelids can not reach your roots,
The roots that are a part of the puzzle.
And who moves through the shadows of strangers?
Leaping on bounds of glory - behind the masses - behind the faces.
To bring the fitting piece to the table?
Did you lose yourself upon the stars, or in my eyes?
Let me be the one to stand on the cross
My knees steady - and feet ready.
And I keep closing my eyes...
So you can chart my trip.
And if you do this - I know I can fly farther through the wings of your flight.
For you - and only you - know the demons that lay ahead.
The fear of being without you, alone - scares me
Its obvious that I scream so you will find me.
Crawled in a corner with the tears bleeding down my face..
I don't know how it happened
I want to shout, scream and bleed the bloody youths of the nation
But it will never be enough.
Get up with me, and scream
And just bleed the youth.. and the tragic fate they play upon us
We are on the edge of the 21st century in the 23rd hour.
It's like sand is passing through my hands,
Because my life is wasting away..
But now - times up.
Feed me
Tempt me
And slap my hand when I take the goods
For even if you scold me - I just want to be near you.
Screaming deep within from sight of this army
The onslaught from the rapid acceleration of the waves
For it is the water that keeps crushing me - smashing my souls fairy dust
The darkness falls and the light struggles to get up on my life
Love me for me.
Where are you?
For even the footprints are washed out from the sand
Look into my eyes.. and disappear.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Satisfaction of Life

When the rain in me subsides
And some new rays of life fall upon the skin
It makes me question everything.
Life is one crazy trip right after another.
You know what I want to do?
These voices in my head wont leave me alone
They keep saying my name
Crying for a response
Leaving me a few inches from insane
The voices tell so many stories of my life
Grinding on my senses, I grab the car keys and try to by pass the wire to my head
Disconnected from my thoughts, my emotion downloads from the digital world.
What am I going to do?
Like a bomb surgeon - what wire do I cut?
Like a dog in the wild, with no where to turn
Come into my world, and experience these senses..
I need an answer.
And I cant shy away from the microphone
Its an overhead call - my calling.
I don't want to wait for my number to be called
These mindless poems make more nonsense than sense.
And I turn to my music,
And I turn to my empty room, turning off the phone for silence.
Isn't it funny - how the future can change in the blink of an eye?
For my place in this world - my existence is always up in the air
Just tell me that you feel the same
There are just some feelings that you can't deny
So the world must go on, with or without me.
You made my life complete
Thank you for coming into my life,
Flooding me with your love - I drown in the incense of confusion
Pulling out from the drowsiness of sleep
I'm looking angry and have a reason to pull this trigger
Before I get bigger than the fate of mine - I unwind,
It all hangs in the twine, with father time.
Remembering those times we made love in the roses
And kissing in the peddles of the night
The time you had me crying over her shoulders
But now with each finger on each hand I pick up these boulders
And I sink my own ship.
As I sail into the world of mistake
I find myself swimming through the void..
Hearing those three uneasy waves in the heart,
It makes everything hurt so much deeper
It makes everything pump so much harder.
Oh take me back to the stars
And fool me blindly - because I only want to be with you.
And they say we are lucky
But somehow you stand there laughing at me
Get up the audacity and ask me why I can't stand to look at you
Even if it means life or death
It seems I can't pull myself to get through this
They wont stop chanting at me.
I can't pull myself to get through this
It is my semi-charmed kind of distance
It makes me thirsty for an answer,
Is it my return - or my final goodbye?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

A Heartfelt Head

All my dreams I had were echoed in the sea
But the forests of my mind haunted me
And I cry
I write with my heart not my head.
I'm wearing a helmet
But screaming in the armor
I cant catch you
But I am spellbound by these million laughs thrown my way.
It is the dark in the lovely eyes
And the light in the midst of all wrong that has me continue
It is a heartfelt head filled with memories.
Brimmed at the rim
Cracking at the tip
The vagary has me at odd ends
And its shifting through me like the latest fad
So I change my sentiment like my clothes
And the song carries on.
My chest heaves heavily with suicide
Like stabbing your soul
Killing off a part of you
So the hurt will stop
Part of me will always be the invisible man
And I will carry my dead soul with me,
Like a scab that you can't pick off.
The words are stuck in my mind
Throwing them into my mouth.. they are chained to my lips.
With this pencil and paper.. I write
On this sheet of paper..
That is worth the words that are written on it
With the content to destroy the society we live in,
Falling apart like a bad friendship
So take me, and break me - spread me out and see my jagged edge.
Into the humanistic life I sheer my way into
Shattered from the shell of cowardice
I feel the intentions building within me
To take the helm of my life,
And open a new eye
To see what things could really be.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

The White Flame Burns

I am enflamed
Crumbling like the fire that engulfs the paper.
From ashes to dust
And its the same dust that settles so coldly on my shoulder.
The snow falls so hard on the rocks below,
That it is drawing on the blood from the sea.
But this mundane mind wont have time to react
To this whirl wind I am drawing upon myself.
I am in the spotlight - causing the waves to hush when I enter.
It is me who has stolen center stage,
I have taken it.
By dazing at the paper work..
The blue prints of my life,
I try not to build a sphere..
I don't want to be like a cat chasing a light
A light that shone all too clearly when you held it.
Who are you?
I have lost the lime light - it feels like an overbearing panic attack
Face to face with the demon that stares back at you in the mirror
My senses are suspended from within,
And my vision has been enhanced through the fog.
I hear all of the words you think,
I feel all of the reject that the world offers me.
Life is a waterfall - mine is sifting through the air
Where it will land.. nobody knows.
Drink from the waves and swim in a void
And if you learn one thing, never pay the reaper with contempt
My payment is due, and it is on the rise in the back burner of my mind.
Under all of this thick headed-ness..
Under the skin, deep below, are skid marks
That screams through my eyes and listens quietly through my words
It listens as the scars have the innocence of a child stolen from beneath it
You saw the dreams born before your eyes
And now the eyes are glazed over
For the pain heals - and you return to the spotlight.
Raining with embarrassment
Tears come to your eyes.. and you drift to the satisfaction
Of knowing there will always be tomorrow.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

--- © Poetry Section from year 2002 ---

Precious

I need to be lost in the hands of time.
Leaving this place where so many overcome the stronghold of happiness.
I left in a flurry of doubt
As I try to blind myself.. I stand upside down
Blood rushes to my head
And now I find myself clothed in the goodness of God
Closing my eyes to the inevitable blackness of my place
But hey
Stand with me
Have some faith
Faith that things will turn out ok..
But it will only do harm.
It is amazing how the happiest time of the year..
Can turn into the most depressing.
Come with me..
And enjoy the silence.
I have filled my eyes..
With everything that I want...
But.. that's not enough.
Even if I am tasting these objects I crave for with my bare hands
I need more.
I've wanted and needed.. but I can't fathom something greater than reality.
I don't know how to say it... it almost can't fathom the words I have waiting for it..
This time I will watch for sharp objects and two sided swords
Until I can learn how to fall with grace
I will learn how to breathe a little easier.
After hearing those piercing cries slashing away at my soul
I'm left to find the antidote
How to seep the cries that spew from your soul
A bottle of sunshine for when things look bleak - I hold in front of you
I have something you want too.
Grasping it like an old man who just found a bottle whiskey, you take part.
And in this song.. I dedicate to you.. and your loyalty
Thank you for being with me through the times when I felt all would fall apart
Thank you for saving me when I was 6 feet below the gravel of reality
For even being with me when my safety net collapsed
You were there to catch me.
For even when I was screaming through my eyes... you consoled me.
Your unyielding belief in me.. has helped me though the hardest of times.
Thank you for being my friend
Hopefully someday I can return the favor
And be a flavor in the dimmed light of faith.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Solemn Hands

My life has been taken hostage by myself.
For these hands have killed for my free will they relinquish.
I have taken hold of this shotgun and pressed the barrel against my chest
I am yelling at them to take action
Panic.
The mass confusion swarms over my body like the flu
This time
Watch for sharp objects.
For my soul is covered in blood, and my head in the clouds.
And you know not the impact and the weight your words carry.
Scars are souvenirs that you carry with you
It's unthinkable.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Soul Mate

There is innocence in the words
All I want to do is give everything up.
I want to look into your eyes like a stargazer
And show you how amazing of a person you really are.
You make me cry and laugh all in the same breath.
How can one person affect me so deeply?
The words that I am writing are blurred with tears forming in my eyes.
My chest is pounding so much, it hurts.
I can't breath for I am afraid the moment will pass me by.
These words rang clear to my soul
True love comes once in a life time, so don't let our souls part.
Now that I truly see you, I feel I can not turn away
Those precious brown eyes feeding into my emotion could melt the hardest heart.
I hang in blessed suspension to see the peace form in your eye.
The rain that falls in night
And the song that grows in sync with each day.
Feel the vibes falling between your fingertips,
Like snow tumbling downward through your hands
The fluffy substance of life that you just can't catch
Standing head up - mouth open,
Some day you will get it right.
I showed up all wet with judgment, wearing nothing but my colors on my sleeve
It is so hard to be judged by patience,
When all you want to do is move on, and get further as quick as possible.
Unless you have that spirit in the sky that is calling all angels to help you.
It leaves you with a feeling that consoles you,
It helps you realize that you are looking at something bigger
Formed by the same pressure that pushes against your chest
In your time of need that could probably paint a sunset
You just can't describe the feeling.
How do you describe listening to the sunrise with wonder washing your window.
My dreams are coming true.
It's a wonder if I am touching heaven, or maybe I am just reaching...
Scratching on the heels of Jupiter.
So many moons I have seen.. but in such a different light.
I have digested my thoughts - and still my mind drifts on this sea of thought
Help me chart my trip
I stumble at the flame for this burning passion of water that I hold.
For the candle light bursts into this thirsty land - like a angel
I murdered to kill the rights of myself
And now I hold the scribe of my future in hand with light to read,
Falling silently in awe for the things to come.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

I'm Blind

As the sun shines through the evening mist
I get goosebumps crawling up my spine
Hear me calling you
They are daggers stabbed in my soul
She has a little serpent in her drink,
Just enough for the sword to kill.
Holding me by the neck in a speechless angle to the world.
I believe - do you?
The one thing I ask of you
Is to not accept my regrets.
Is it real or are these feelings counterfeit?
These secrets you have indulged in
I wonder through her mind in its entirety.
I meet up with a mess of thoughts
I don't want to cry anymore
I need a cure to my weakness of you.
The neverending saga of deconstructing Jason
Suspension from the eyes that saw into the world
I get what was coming to me
I know why I felt like I have been kicked in the stomach
It is this thing, this taste of defeat
And living a lie, shunt go any further.
I built up a lie, and made it a moutain
So now I jump.
It takes one.
Just one conversation
To make everything come to focus
Through the specs of the glasses all creditability has been lost
Just one conversation makes my world stop spinning.
The truth and the lies.
I dont want to take these doses of reality
Like some cherry nyquil that makes you want to puke.
My eyes search over the words
They are filled with compassion.. skipping the most important part.
Classic case of boy meets girl.
Those few little words always pop up.
I will love you,
Now and forever.
Even if I am watering my mind with the condolences of reality,
I am still blind in the light of you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Raw

In other countries far from this mundane existence
People get killed for their faith... here we struggle with the word of faith.
It's about standing up for your belief and your religion
And not becoming just a face in the crowd.
Doing what God called upon us to do.
People don't live on faith in this country
People die for their belief in God throughout the world
And in America we struggle to believe
What makes you a believer?
I'm talking about the fruit from your life
Who can say that they have ever just fallen into belief?
It's just the plain and simple fact
That going to church and praying... makes you a believer?
Don't you show something through out your life?
Is there some toll that it takes on you?
Is it just the fact of believing that shows you have faith?
It reflects back on life as a whole
Just because you pray or go to church
That doesn't make you a believer.
I think if you live your religion... and what you believe
You have something to show for it... by the end of the day
Not something of fabrication.. but sentimental
And it is something that America lacks as a whole
Just because you do it doesn't make you a believer
You have to have a reason deep down and it has to be sincere
A passion.
You can't go half way
The world will not tolerate this evidence they can show you,
They will know you are false, like everything else about your existence
And everything else in your reality.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Ashley

You place your hands on the wheel
Gripping it..
Her and her magnificent beauty overlook this mutants domain.
The flowing golden hair,
And every move meant to strike your senses.
The veins in your temples pulsate from the heat as you stare the intruder down,
You leave a heat grip from the palms of your sweaty hands on the steering wheel.
My senses heighten on the tip of my ears...
Reflexes sharpened and vision enhanced,
My eyes have widened
Adrenaline flows, and music plays
The tense shadow flees in a flurry of doubt
The rush of my power makes me choke,
And eventually my pulse drags back to normal
If I could stop all my problems who do you think I would be?
It is the question that has caught us all
So I bleed the foggy smoke of exhaust from my car,
And go on my way,
There is no need to worry.
Turning on the AC, and feeling the breeze push against my face
I turn down the street with little fallen light
The sound of the music plays on the radio,
Sending me in a wave of convulsions to the past.
Dream on and ever after
Oh the heated days,
And blinding nights
Only the moon puts me in my place
A higher place, where millions look to.
What keeps me alive?
Basketball.
I don't want to say I'm sorry
But my feelings for you are still strong
I want to hold you in my arms, and look in your eyes
And never let you go.
High off this substance, a little something called love.
Love for what some call a game, held high with fundamentals.
That's what takes me high.
Nothing more but a selfless act of words.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Beneath the Shell

I am sending chills by words
Drowsy, drowning in this headache of mind control.
Walking in the room I am intoxicated by the perfume of your grace.
It is something no other woman can pull off quite like you
All I see now is the silver outlining of heaven
These white doves singing up above, and the man in a red tarp.
I thought I had you smiling, but I have said too much,
Too much in a world that expects too little from me.
Are you ready to die for me?
Or is it death that has you question your existence?
If you are afraid of the book of revelation, then live to die,
And smoke some anthrax, drink this glass of aids with me
And pop these pills of death
But if you live on the hot edge of life,
You make me stop, and look around.
In a wonder that is so great, it's no mystery how it has me tipsy
Predestined to have a head on collision with reality,
Waking up in the morning to a glass of water and some Advil.
But my reality check has bounced, and left me cutting through the wind.
Through the air I fall, like an angel with no wings
It's a simple eclipse of the substance of reality, that keeps me walking on the clouds
You are my only ray of light up here,
And you shine light on this train wreck I call my life.
All these politics of love and hate have me soul searching..
It is the relevance, in light of the words spoken
That has resurrected my feelings hidden beneath the shell of my soul.
So as another morning light slithers up your bed sheets
You hang up the phone - and just think of me.
Reunite the phone with the receiver and see your morning grow old
Drift into the oblivion of the unknown and wait for me.
Clearing your future - the dial tone, of my existence.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

The Neverending Saga

When its all over - said and done
The words on the page will not justify my feeling
For my soul acts on the feelings of this rage
That wants you in a glimpse, taking pictures of my soul.
Still someone is left in the stands, shaking hands.
You see, there are two people between the lines in the words we are waging.
Who are infatuated, over others - and caught in life's affairs.
His world is torn into two halves, that makes up the sphere he walks on.
So now I am turned to undermine authority.
Taking pictures, of the murder weapon
And casing my soul will only make the evidence clearer
Because everyone can see, those foggy mysterious eyes
That have me caught in a dizzy faze, a minds trap.
Emphatic in my ways, to make a change
I play with the thought, kicking it back in forth
Tossing it like a baker cooking a pizza
Who is to feast with me if I drop the ball?
What if I stumble?
I must fight the stereotypes of friends alone
And walk to the consequence of questions.
So if God sent to the earth - an angel
Untouchable by the beauty and angelic grace she held,
What would she look like?
If she is out there, she is lost in the faces.
I am the dragon chasing the moonlight
And I make the prayer that keeps me breathing
Searching for her is like racing the sunset
Inevitably you will lose.
My heart flutters.. and it won't stop
It has me catching myself, for pacing the floors is real,
I must make myself stop, and let it come to me.
When it's all said and done, I do have one friend, and one untouchable element.
It is time,
Yes, Time.
Time is the never-ending waterfall,
Pouring over me, helping me feel liberated.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

The Dragonfly

I can see the rainbow from here.
And I walk on the ground of endless diamonds
Feeling it twist beneath my feet
But now I'm falling through the mist
Below and beyond the mystical boundaries of life
My whisper thrown upward, rides on the wind
I want to be with you
I am doing nothing but tasting your feelings
And feeding off your thoughts
As it seems the ocean yearns for freedom
And gets the reflection of life.
As sweet as a dove, and as humble as a lie.
You sit in the sea made of glass
Showing me the dragonfly that has me eluding my fears
I can't find you anywhere.
And I want to drown you in my love, but I'm done tasting the truth
Through the sweetness of my dream.
My illusions can run, but they can't run forever.
And when they stop I will struggle and fight with them - to keep this love alive.
This is everything and more than I could of dreamt of,
The feeling is surreal.
It brings to me, the brightest part of my day.
So when I see the river flow, and the stars in the night shine off it,
I step back to see my desire for true love floating on my soul,
Shining off the face of the water, pressing against my faceless chest.
It tingles from the time you tell me you love me too.
I pray you feel the same way I do.
I get a rush - from the caffeine of the love you breathe and live on.
And the way you live your life,
Makes me feel like the dragon brought to a slaughter.
So help me now Dragonfly, because I need love.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Game Seven

Thrust your hands to the dark sky
And ride like the wind on the steel wings of sin that carry you
And never let it go
The twilight of the night, is shining in the stars.
Everyone knows when you love someone, you cling to it,
So you can honor the fallen soldier.
Your fallen hope.
Every last part of me that has breath
Makes you crumble or fold,
Yet it is that one in a million person,
That makes the whole serene offset our distinctions
And see life clearly through these rosy colored glasses.
It is the monotony
It's the beat that keeps your head bobbin' as you type the words
And it is the words that you type out, that I live out.
It is my one different stroke on my wall of games
But when it comes down to it, life is a like game seven.
You win, or lose.
It is the blacking out and waking up to gray
Tasting blood in your mouth,
To realize you have lost this battle.
And my eyeballs get blood clots from hearing you breathe
But the chattering of your teeth makes me remember how I use to be.
The sound rolling on my skin, feeds me the tingle effect
It is the tenderness of the words
That just keeps rolling off my tongue.
Can you define life?
Or just sit in the shadow of the sun, and wait on the bench for the answer?
You believe it or not.
This game is my only hope,
It is not an antidote to anything.
I lay down my life,
For I play for the history.
When I play, I don't play a game.
I can only speak of my hopes and misfortunes at this sacred place.
It is an understanding to this train wreck I call my life.
But when I finally get up from the struggle
I can see above the horizon.
I give you my destiny to run with,
And shout at my own consent, at top of my lungs on the beach.
I want your symphony, and for your beauty and grace to reflect on the music
My life is a game, if nothing more than a deep piece of music,
Than it is simply a masterpiece in the making.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002