--- © Poetry Section from year 2003 ---

Eyes Bound Shut

Sometimes I wish I had my eyes bound shut
So I couldn't see.
So I wouldn’t think I could see.
Only God could guide me.
But sometimes I mistake my blindness for sight
And I take my own path
I find myself in a stream with so many others
That it almost feels like home, but does that make it right?
In that time - I come to realize I have failed myself
And more importantly.. failed my Lord.
I'm locked into this life, and if I can tune into his voice
How can my life Ignore his voice?
Take this space between us, and fill it up,
Fill it up with the love that I've been longing.
Hold up, I'm trippin’
Is he designed to be mine?
Was I designed to be his?
Walking blindly into the darkness
It's fraud
Because without you I'm a dead man walking.
How can I let my past feelings and situations pass me by?
Situations that keep me on the run
But through your wisdom and power I'm driving head on.
Tackling with the greatest of force.
Come one.. come all..
Come and be hypnotized by the excessive force of God.
The force will shoot through your bound eyes,
Breaking the surface of the skin
You will be rejuvenated - and start to understand what it means to see.
You have eyes... Those of a baby..
And you see things for the very first time
Experiencing life through a new set of eyes
A new guideline
See life through my Fathers eyes.
My past was giving me a task, but my Lord took me to my limits.
Take me as I am, and push me to the limits of this life.
Without you I'm a dead man walking, and I give you my all.
Use this life as I lay at your feet.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Walking in Rain

I once took a walk down the street,
And the rain poured onto me, and in my chest.
I could breath in the humidity, and breath out my insanity.
I took that walk, hand in hand with God.
Turning the pages of my past deceit,
Past the massacres of life,
Looking beyond my failure
He helped me compose myself
Now I'm a part of his symphony
Singing his glorious tunes.
I was walking down the sidewalk,
I looked up
"God - Take me now!
I cannot live like this any longer"
Then I stretched my arms out as far as they would reach
"Praying to be anything but this in your eyes!
I need your help.. Where are you God?
And why can't I feel you?
Where has the world gone?
Where has my soul gone?
It has been So long since I've looked into the eyes of you."
With my heart throbbing I stammer on and look upward past the rain
Because the rain is just the stars in the sky - crying over lost life.
It does not affect me.
"Lord God Almighty...
Please take my frail body
Take me and make me into a working living example of what you see due
I give you my all!"
I once took a walk down the street,
And the rain poured into my eyes, and onto me.
And as I stood there I realized that I must be doing something right in my life,
Or the devil would not have worked so hard to fight against my will.
God answered me that day in a way only he could.
I could try to describe the feeling...
But you would only be missing out for yourself.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Passing Rain

Passing Rain
Promises built on a foundation of mud..
And, yes...
It is too late to keep these promises
Ghosts of what a friend use to mean.
I feel as though I am struggling to find myself,
Needing to make up all of the time I have wasted, - to find myself?
Finally catching up I rest - panting, gasping, and trying to catch my breath
And I fall behind as the golden leaves once again fall into my palms.
The scene is surreal.
The wind whisks up the leaves and they brush against my legs as I stand still
Totally numb from all feeling.
Give me something, for I can not take this...
As you sit at an all you can eat character assassination feast
This is the night
With me as the main show.
And once again I am in the car stuck in the mud, wheels spinning
The drivers sick of this game with Nature - screaming to the sky for help
And still getting no where.
I Scream for you.
So loudly that the glass shatters and crashes upon my faith and crumbles to the earth
It is not about religion. It is about faith...
That one thing stretches deeper and wider into me than anything else,
Like the purified water that trickles off of my skull.
I don't really know what I'm asking anymore..
In fact I think I've lost myself in the question...
So I bow my head and return to the maker, helpless as I always have been.
I need your help to get through this
Forgive me for ever losing sight,
I was blind, like those words you whispered in my ear.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Pinole Drivers

I drive myself crazy,
All the way home from seeing the beauty of you
I am thinking of you..
I feel like I’ve made a mistake
And you can see the trust shatter on my face like a broken piece of glass
My abyss.. the dark pearls of my eyes grow deeper and wider
As I see you walking away.
The angels scream at the horrid nature of this
Yet my eyes stay wide open
And it drives me crazy.
I wanted to look into your eyes, hold your hands
And stay in that moment with you forever
Because there’s no greater power than the power of love.
I love you
Our hands released and I felt my heart drop down to my knees
And my love start forming in my eyes as I walked looking back
It hurts me so much - things must be like this for now.
Its like there are blisters on my soul -and it makes it hard to walk
It makes it hard to go through each day without you.
I love you
I really love you.
My love for you is deep like an ocean, and oh so pure.
I feel like I am scattered like fire on a spoon
I feel like it's going to be me standing beside myself
For now Its me kneeling beside my bed,
Asking for God to never take away something this precious to my heart.
Thank you Sabrina - for everything.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003
Dedicated to Sabrina

Kapalina

I don’t know where my old life ends,
Or where my new one begins
For I am as giddy as a school girl can get
When I talk to the likeness of her.
I feel my struggle with life
Trying to control it so much, I ruin all I had
And more -
I can't escape it,
So what do I do?
I either live this life of recognition
Or form to his precision.
I can feel the rays of the life blow beneath the trees
And the color of it, never as true now as it was before
When I talk to you - All time stops.
For a moment, the world stops spinning
So I embrace it.
Escaping the realism of this world
All because my mind cannot fathom the meaning of this word - faith
So foreign is it to me that I choke on it
I feel so embarrassed, that I point to you
So people can stop looking through to me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Long Sunsets

I look into the eyes of this magnificent sky,
The sunset- it's Gods canvas of beauty.
With my tree branch that I climbed onto- and my knapsack, I embark on a leap of faith.
I stand chipping away at my faith, cast into the void
Hoping that it will be able to move a mountain.
I pray for the heavens above to open up its gates
And condemn all the alienation I have on my face.
For I am feeling so defeated with no plan,
Like my windows through life, broken from the pain of living
Your love once burned so brightly within me
Like the hot coals, but I collided with the ocean
Steam brought me into a cleaner form
And now I have a wet flame, extinguishing the fire
The flame that once showed me love.
I am much afraid of this leap of faith without a net
Only your hands to catch me,
And I am so scared as I fall
And yet you catch me and lay my soul by your feet,
Lord, come to me and light the fire in my eyes
Be my pilot, my driving force throughout life
We can walk the straight and narrow
The meadows and the forests
To bring life, to bring salvation
For I am blind like a baby to this bottle of wine that you call life.
And everything becomes so much sweeter when you show me grace
With you my life shoots like a rocket through the stale sunset
As we walk the distant lands of life, my eyes change color,
And now my eyes burn like the sun tears through the clouds on a long sunset.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Train of Emotion

I feel like running away from my so called life
And take the midnight train to storm out of town like the passing of the trade winds
Nobody will see me.
And even if I could see myself, my eyes feel like they are collapsing due to the weight of life.
Stopped in an intersection, a railroad crossing singing to me
With nothing to be seen for miles, I listen to the chimes.
Dare me to run blindly into the night like I have no hope?
Take my eyes away from me lord
And let me have a purely blind faith,
Faith from the soul, I track the land looking for you
When all along you were with me.
Let it be enough in my life to discover happiness.
Dare me to fall out of your life?
Unlock these feelings and words to me, hiding in the cabinet
The feelings that will let me drink from the river of salvation
For nothing is what it wants to seem
My expressions tell a tale, but my meaning is missing
I am sleeping through life,
Wake me up and give me meaning to my existence.
Show me.
Do you hear what I hear, or feel how I feel?
Do you cry like I cry?
In the bathtub, tears of a sort streaming down my face,
Because nobody can see me, nobody can hear me.
The tension slides like the water mixed with electric on these tracks of steel
The venom of the earth spits upon my face,
Dripping - stinging as if to pierce the skin
But I wash myself through the dancing drips on my body
And cleanse my soul purely white
I love the rain.
I want so much to blame someone else,
And to point the finger elsewhere
Because I thought that if everyone was pointing at you
That they would be able to do what they always do
See through me, past me.
The emotional map of my emotions
Like a stargazer looking to the sky
Shows me this mess of my existence
And how to plot my course
By searching out God, as my North star
Railroad crossings in the rain
Chimes to shake the earth and free me from my shackles.
My life of before was digging my grave
And dragging me down with my emotional downfall
Suffocating me until I could hardly breath under the muddy murky water
And when it becomes a chore to breath and you are gasping off every breath
It dawns on you like a new day.
I think its time to change.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Beach of Faith

I turn the frail pages of my owners manual to life,
And I look upon my beach of which waves crash my faith like the passing tide
My home - my sand castle is collapsing, and turning to clay
Covering the Bible, I stand and hear the seagulls in the distance
I stretch out my arms and scream to heavens gates
Hopefully you will find me down here
Among the billions.
I believe my every second is caught by you
You and your supernatural power lurks in the blood work
Of people who have a fire burning through their veins for you.
Make me a Jesus freak.
Take the wet clay that lay on the shores of my beach and mold me.
Give me reason to my life, for it can only be found through you.
You hear all prayers.
Lord please be with my friends,
For if all they ever accomplish in life is to know you, that’s enough.
The words of truth fall blindly upon their ears, not reaching their souls.
I am a soldier at war
And as I arm myself with the word of God,
I discover who I really am.
Thank you for all of my friends, and bless them in their lives
Bless them and hopefully one day - they too will call you Father.
But Jesus, I have but one question,
The only thing I can think of when I think of your frail body on the cross,
Is why did you die for me?
It all seems so helpless in this mundane existence
It seems all I could ever do is never live up to the man I want to be in your eyes.
Help me be the man you want me to be,
And never let your will pass me by so easily again.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

The End of Jesus Freaks Projects (JFP)

Terrorists broke into the house,
Waving the pistols, like madmen in the face of the innocent
It was bible study, every night - same place.
Now it was this family of three, rounded up and pushed into fear
The terrorists grabbed the Bible from the fathers hands,
He threw Gods word on the ground and shouted instructions
"Before anyone will leave, you must all spit on this Bible you hold so dear!"
Visibly shaken the father could barely build up any spit,
He cried as he spit on the book, and crawled away in shame.
The mother still crying choked out "forgive me God" and spat on the bible
The daughter, about 16 years old, walked over in front of the terrorists
Bent down and picked up the bible.
She then wiped off the spit, and said "Lord what have they done to your book"
Before she finished her sentence the terrorist pointed the rifle to her head and she fell.
The walls are colored with voices
Painted with the red life of this little girl
But what's this?
It's the theory to see the things that happen, will change you.
You cant erase it
And I end up unraveling like a ball of yarn
How do you see when your spyglass is looking through the fog?
I lay my head and extend my hands to pray
Tears overflowing.. "God please forgive my sins"
Knowing you are my only hope to survive
I strive to bring your goodness into the hearts of others
So take the still frames in your mind
You know, those words you speak, and keep you hidden beneath the dark deep water
The storm will pass, and you'll still be by my side.
It hurts to know that what you once thought love was, is only a fallacy
But it brings you great joy, knowing that he is there.
I was waging war against this spiritual darkness
Crying out to him, so maybe my soul would feel its worth
And someday wake me from this nightmare
I sat and listened to the silence
And if you listen closely you can hear
You can play back the legions of angels Jesus never called while pinned on the cross
I lock the door and cast my spell again
The world to fuel my chariot of fire
It's showing my insides like before
But now, I shine with this light of mine
And it helps me take up my cross, daily as I pass the mocking crowd.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Doorways

Welcome to the outer layers of my existence,
Where clouds fill the overbearing sky,
And where heaven finds a way to rain on my clouds, even from high above
I am wandering the skies aimlessly, like a lost care bear.
The waves of this white fluff crash and crumble upon me
Even though I am breaking the habits of life, I am gazing at the setting sun
Watching the sunset on my canvas I've painted for my past.
The bright light suffocates my eyes of all normalcy and I look away.
It makes me reach out and grip onto Orion's belt hanging in the sky.
Hanging like an angel in the sky, I look around.
What massive beauty for such an enormous sky.
Like the bread crumbs of life were spilt,
And shot through some bright light paper, endlessly falling and scattering where they may
And now its making me skip the stars for years, like a child would be skipping rocks
To you - it's the galaxies - to me it's the breadcrumbs of my life.
These are the keys to the answers my friend,
And you should not be in my way - in front of the doorway
Of everything the creator of this universe is calling me to be.


Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Only thing left

I finally fooled myself
Fooled myself into believing I could count on others
I have never blinded myself for my own satisfaction in such a time period ever before
And now I start to look at things with the eyes of a newborn
I gave up everything - for nothing.
Only the paperwork that was never finished.
And on the hottest of nights, the paper engulfs in a flame - a passion of life.
The moonlight will then peer into the water, with the man in the moon inside trying to release himself-
But somehow is caught and even with all his might - cannot move,
The moon peers the very same way the coyotes peer into a flock of sheep
And the waters only reply, are some drops - ripples in the water to sympathize
Leaving a distorted reflection of everything I never wanted to see.
I'm not leaving on a jet plane
But I will get out of the drivers seat I'm in.
And stand outside of my world, stepping into everyone else's reality.
Because the path that I'm on is self destructing before my own eyes
And I am the only one who will always be there for me.
Nobody ever cares enough to do anything about it
So I will use the help of my manufacturer
That has only been a phone call away, all this time
So please don't talk to me about friendships like you are some expert on my life
I've had enough lying and misconception to last me a long time
It left me with the obvious - what I had all long.
One best friend.
It bothers me that my other friends are too busy for me,
Lie to me and try to get out of doing things with me; I assure you pure happiness fills in me.
Thank you - all of you, for with your actions alone
I have made the biggest decision I have ever made in my life
Bigger than Portland?
Oh... Yeah.
I guess you could say that if you don't break down laughing at the intent of the question
I'll keep you guessing, so keep that grin on your face.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Streets of Life

I want to call you up
It scares me that I am feeling this way
And you are taking it so easily.
I just want to call you up and tell you that I do miss you,
And that I do love you
I sit in my soup of emotions - Campbell's soup no less
And I spell out some sort of pity, like the way a child would
With my alphabet soup and my spoon, engineering the words like a conductor to a train.
I get up and start to walk outside
But the street is empty
And all I can do to contain my emotion
Is break down on my knees and cry for help.
Even in the smallest of towns - someone will know.
Someone knows.
Life is kind of like walking down the street,
Sometimes you run into some bush or tree arm that you didn't see,
Ripping the flesh off of you - making you sting internally
And on the outside you bleed.
Sometimes you will sit at a stop light, and be held up at gun point,
Having the masked murderer force you face flat among hundreds and take away with goods.
And then you have times where everything will go right,
Where nothing seems that it could get any better,
And somehow finds a way to climax on the smallest things.
The secret is being able to smile after the good, and the bad.
Being able to contain everything into to a word, or phrase.
That my friend - is self control.
I live in my world of self control.
Someone knows about these streets of life
And how every turn we take - we try not to hit a dead end
For the piano keys of the road are painted but in a pure white.
Magnified by the glassy cherry oak that lay on stage
The spotlight leaning on it, the way you try to steal the spotlight from my life
Sometimes its hard, but the light will fade, and the applause will ring clear to your ears,
Broken, alone and in the shadows of others glory, makes me not want to believe anything.
Sometimes I'm only left with a sweet memory of what life is supposed to feel like.
One day, they will feel my pain I carry inside,
And everyone will cry with me, and hold my heart the way the would their own.
And if you hold on to the faith of God, he will fill all voids of life
Leaving you with the decision of what road to take,
What life to breath into, and see out of.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Reign On My Mind

Whisking through the air carelessly
Piercing the sounds of silence,
Penetrating the innocence of my youth,
The invisible bullet hits me - and makes my eyes water for a reason
It makes them growl with the hunger of life.
It is my minds elation to go home and take out a sheet of paper
And scribble down the words that feed in my brain,
Leaving only a stain of what cells use to look like after the night is old.
Every letter that I write bleeds its meaning into my head and is stroked through the paper
Embedded forever on the opposite side of the growing tabloid of my life's events
And impressed into the wood grained desk - leaving a signal of what's to come,
The red cloth is being forced over my eyes enraging me like a bull,
It enrages me to have to look at you this way, in contempt
So much I start to bear some cold sweat - and I wipe my brow
Feeling the warm fingers wipe across my forehead makes me look around,
And I try to make myself upon the shoulders of the youth I once had.
But this life no longer has the energy that it did before,
Everyday that I go through - it just makes everything ache so much more
The bones just rub against each other, and the grinding plays in my ears.
In a way its the undisputed beat of my heart,
And that is but a countdown, to quitting time.
And as I try to pilfer the blood that I lost on my sheet of paper,
I feel as though I am a thief in my own home, watching myself destruct before my own eyes.
So meet me in the atmosphere and watch the sun collide with life
Until you feel like me, an earth eating itself alive - but shattered with a broken sphere
And how many tears will I shed upon my own life -
Just to watch them perish like a lost soldier
And as I look around for help - I discover I am alone.
I am solo, and lost in space - in a universe I've created.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

One and One

Entry log :
Year one, Day one,
It has been a long time since I have written here last,
For I have been able to discover some secrets, hiding from me,
I have been able to watch the waterfall of life trickle through the field.
And slowly but surely every last drop is drained into the sea
So I began walking through the waves of the crowd that was before me
And I was but a mast cast out at sea, sifting through the water
I stretched out my hand, entrenched in the darkness I reached into
Looking for some lime light, to shine onto me.
Instead, like a blind man, I staggered
With the shifting of my boat from the violent waves, I was thrown into chaos
Stepping on some glass pellets, I shattered reality.
It now lies broken before my feet, like the hands of time to an assassin
My face was searching for an expression, but could only produce a sigh
As I dropped to my knees and bent over,
Pressing my forehead into the wood grain of the deck.
Opening these secrets that lay hidden in the ashes makes me face myself.
And I look at the reflection of my face hidden in the deck
Smeared from the water splashed on the deck, I see me.
Is a paramount move, a colossal overturn in my everyday lifestyle
Forcing me - to jump ship, and find out why these eyes water
I finally get to see what I've been missing all along
And as I try to navigate this sea that I call life
I realize whole time everything I needed was right in front of me
My tools, my judgment, and mind had been left behind.
This education is numbing to my hands, and I fumble with the nights black sky
For I am blindly searching for my answer, and I call out for my captain...
Where is the entrance to the ocean?
And what hallways must I pass before reaching my goal..?
These words echo through the halls of my doom,
And if I choose the wrong path, that's all I'll ever hear
But I am solo in this world of water,
And I have painted my destiny for myself, being cast away from all others
To a place where I can rest with the lost souls, and wonder where I went wrong.
Maybe someday, I will write in my entry log again,
Maybe someday, I'll find my way.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Brandy's Night

Late at night I opened my window,
I sat on the windowsill, as I peered into the free world.
The night sky shone like some laced black velvet shirt
And the diamonds sparkled especially bright in the sky tonight.
Opening the window, I creep - trying not to break the silence
The grass was crisp and crumbled upon touch
And I could see my breath, it gave me great resolution
The calming effects of the cool summer nights.
I hunched down, and moved to the sidewalk where I sat
The humming of a propeller engine flying overhead
The smell of the crushed blueberries
As I made my way across the garden, their shell broke like water
Now I sit here, hands purple from eating them
Stomach filled to content
And the feint smell of hay, as the night locks down
This setting, it's almost like God painted this night
Like the walls of the kitchen are crème, all in his beauty and grace.
There's no time to say goodbye, the moon has set in the enchanting sky
And the sun has begun its way up
So I walk back across the lawn
And look back to wonder where the time went
For it seems like the hands on my watch stopped ticking,
And instead of holding time, it jumped ahead

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Never Crazy

Standing in the doorway,
I am captured by your eyes
But my eyes are fixated on this love,
This love, that is written so deeply I get chills,
It's so deep - I breathe it through the letters you write.
Just the smell of you drives my mind crazy.
It tingles my senses, and entwines them with my crazy life.
I keep pushing, so I am not disconnected from my thoughts of you.
I can't get you out of my mind,
My system is flushing all emotions,
But the residence you have taken up - is staying.
And for now, that will be enough for me.
It makes me happy, for the lifeline I have
Is something that I can look back on, and play the odds.
It may never happen,
But I rise my fingers up and tap my temples
For you never know how life can take a turn.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

My Insides

All my life,
I have had dreams of becoming something.
To Be someone.
And here I am - out of school, not even working.
Nothing anybody says seems to faze me.
Even if I start now,
It is too late for my own desire.
How do I explain it to anybody,
To have them understand this is my life
The apple of my eye is rotting with my life.
Wallowing in my own pity I have rested upon myself,
And when I go to lift it, it's too heavy to move.
Why do I do this to myself?
This feeling of hopelessness just grows in my body
Like a dying plant,
How much soil do I rest on?
The lost city of Atlantis is just beyond my grasps
Where I could be everything I want to be in my minds eye.
But why do I let you breath my fate?
Why must you have the control to my future?
Nobody understands me.
And how much of a troubled teen do I sound like to you?
How much help do I need?
Nobody understands me.
Everyone tries to, but nobody really gets it.
To see someone who has it all,
I pale in comparison, and feel most invaluable.
It's my chain reaction that happens more than I like,
But I can drift off and forget about the life I live
So I wont have to deal with the present
But each day they grow bigger, and the roots stretch deeper into me.
Making my insides hurt.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Top of the World

When I climb on the roof of my home
I go to the top of my world.
Watching the night tide come in like an ocean
I see these waves of darkness hold the night with power,
And I sit glaring up at the sky.
I am overjoyed, and it is my minds elation
For the space between the star and the blue moon
Is the air that fills my lungs, and breathes my freedom.
It is the very same air that gives me the frame work to my mind.
Laying down the challenge of the elevation
To your spirit that fly's far beyond my grasp.
But not even the highest point, the furthest distance can sway my determination
My challenge to keep chasing, and catch you.
The joy that I hold in my heart when I am with you,
Is only something I can feel.

But I am only a painter that let's you see into my soul
Like a painting, you see swirling divine lights from God
Glimmers of hope.
A self portrait of somebody I thought I knew.
The thought alone, that I don't know my own self, scares me into submission.

I walk down to the park,
And while the park lights shine down on me, I stand
The rain clutters my hair with moisture,
Leaving me with no choice but to smile as I sit on a bench.
Yet the emptiness still sits in the cool blue sky, and leans on my shoulder
Pressing against my chest and my very foundation.
Nothing seems to shake the loneliness in my dark brown eyes.

Still in my distant discovery, I search for you in the sky,
The silence sits in the massive space reserved for the heavens
And the loneliness displaces me among the very existence of my life.

It's the pinnacle time of the gloomy night to drink from galaxies of wonder
And soon a morning can't help but rise, reflecting in my eyes.
Showing me I am more of an artist than a speaker.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

With A Paintbrush

With this token of power, the nation will fall
Yet I thought my life would take on a life of its own
Somehow I sit here, and try to form clay to a jar
So my life can be filled up with happiness.
But the knife that stabbed into my life
Spewed out something unknown to the skin I'm in
With a paintbrush, you can make time stand still
Its having a picture within a scene
It is my will.
My reconciliation.
And I will wait until my deep blue seas turn a darker shade of blue.
And wait until love can break the shackles of time that were bestowed upon my wrists.
Love knows no boundaries, and my heart knows this
And my head rejects the thought of it.
Making the love that was soiled with red on the ordinary canvas
So much richer with color - so much unordinary
Yet it is all done within my minds eye.
It is no secret that love is the easiest thing I can write about,
Just get me going on my desire to find someone for me
Someone who I can talk to, and call my own
Rapidly becoming emotional I do what I can to save what I have.
I raise my voice as I surrender to the bells chiming with heartbeats
And I wait to have my destiny painted upon my soul.
Painted to accent the fresh skin underneath the shackles, and the mind.
My life is a canvas, a work of art in the making
And when it is finally finished - it will be a masterpiece
When all is said and done, I will have found my place.
Found my true friends,
And maybe started to discover - what I can really become.
These words I write, are for your eyes in this time of need.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

The Battle with Rays of Hope

A love struck boy went up in an attic
To snoop around in his grandfathers absence
Inside the attic he found a metal trunk
With locks still closed.
So intent on opening and finding what was inside
That he had not noticed his grandfather enter the room
The old man smiled, and the wrinkles on his face were more apparent than most people his age.
Without saying a word he took his keys out and unlocked the trunk
Wild eyed the boy looked in awe as the old man showed him swords.
Swords that were longer than he was, and a Bible older than him.
His lips opened and he started to tell a story as the boy looked up

The smell of defeat was in the air
Its stench heavier than the smell of rain
The Gods - far above - weeping over my life.

I was standing by a rock with my sword drawn, standing alone in the rain.
I cried, I wept - to the Lord
"I push and yearn to not lose a day
To not live a day in vain
And to not waste my precious gift of life that you have given me
I feel that if I win anything from this lifetime -
It will only be my ticket to come join you God
But this is no excuse because I still seem to waste time.
And it is the heaviest of crimes my soul can carry
I fear I have failed you."

The boy grew tense listening intently on the words spoken

He spoke to me
In the minutes after - I prayed on my life
He told me that he sent me an Angel years ago,
He told me that not all breaks are forever - and feelings age lifetimes less than us.
So if I love her
I should run to her and extend my arms
Tell her how much I want her, and how much I love her.
And if she turns away from me in question
I should not shy away
For her tears of question, may break my heart
But it is her tears of joy that will mend my broken heart back together.

Looking up to the sky I felt revitalized.
For the sun burst through the clouds and shone on my face
Drying up my fear of failure, and showing me new rays of life.
Giving me - rays of hope.

Turning to the grandson he told him
"Remember those rays can shine on you anywhere,
Remember hope is around the corner - you just have to find it."
The boy looked deep into his grandpas eyes, and smiled.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Hit the Deck

Put my brain on tap
And look at the wires that hold the juice of my mind
And feel your retina burn
Knowing that this is the last stop, before home.
My house built out of cards is about to collapse
But the smell of aged leather that covers the bible is sacred to me
It opens some old forgotten words,
Telling me, it is good to struggle and be confused about faith
For I struggle with the confusion of faith.
When you think you have it down, it will hit you
Like a bag of bricks, you will slip and fall.
The hard rain hits me and throws me on the floor to the deck.
Like this deck of cards you carefully hold with your hands
Deal my life,
And rid my spirit of this anguish.
Give me happiness, feed me this drug called euphoria.
Cleanse my body as I am reborn
And help me have the power to look in the mirror
To see who I have become
The world is turning on my revolution
Heads are spinning when the word touches my lips
And when you think you finally have your faith down,
It dawns on you, that you haven't even read the first chapter yet.
And then you can finally realize its strength and power
Use your time on this earth wisely
Pray until your blue in the face,
And bring your A game to the table when you lay it all down
For you never know when the game will end.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Streaming Music

The rain dries up, while the sun comes out
All this time, the music starts to play on our senses.
Everything is in the glorious wonder of art that comes from these speakers.
It is the games that nature, and your ears play on you,
Only to help me realize the world is a depressing place to be.
Like I'm stuck on an island
So I'll turn to the digital media,
I'm going to sit here
And watch the computer screen turn my oblivion into a mass of white
While I, the hero
Fade into the unconscious state of what I call close
The closest I've been to happiness in a long time.
Thank goodness for these tunes that blaze out of the speakers
It is the music, yes the music that relates to us
It touches our life
Like painting on a canvas.
Not some star on TV that touches millions
It's all fake
They only seem to live our life as we would.
They only seem to be as close to us, as the glass screen on the TV they are portrayed in
Sitting a few short feet away from you
And living lives so different, so far from what we call reality.
They are as close, yet so far as they seem
Nothing more but a million short miles away.
It is the music that plays in our hearts
And the music that plays through the storms of our lives
That saves us all.
For in the blink of an eye.. we wake up in our misery
Turn off the radio and proceed with life.
Yes, even the most important things in life go un-noticed.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Self Centered Moonlight

And on this night, it is just me and you
Our two minds collapsing upon the night
The darkness falls, but the moon is our friend.
I can see the moonlight sparkle off your eyes
I can't stand to look at you any longer,
Knowing that the night is soon to end
Sure, we can talk until no end
But the sun will rise, and the moon will fade
But will the glimmer of the moon fade in your eyes?
For it is the smell of aged lifetimes that can break the heart
The heart and the romance to even the closest of soul mates
And if we are to be together
Fate will find a way.
Our minds can only converse so much - but we have no control
No control of the days that lay ahead.
So I sit in my room with this pen and pad
Trying to make blueprints of us.
Not yet understanding that our lives are predetermined from the start.
Be are we predestined?
Maybe it was just now that I realized I don't hold the keys to the future
And I have no way of opening the doors that are to be opened.
I have to wait my turn, hope the card deck of life deals me up to you.
To see if things go as I plan..
If they do not - I must have faith
That something far better is lying ahead - in store for me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Spring

I run my hands on the back of this old leather jacket
Oh the smell of my daddy's wallets.
My bones shake in anticipation, in weakness - but I still stand.
Staggering like a blind man and as tipsy as a drunken sailor
I catch on to you, latching onto the skin.
The feeling of the rough scaly skin reminds me of a snake
But the smell of spring brings the feeling of love in the air
Do not be fooled by the actions of others
And treat them like you would want to be treated.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

In the Night

In the night, when I'm not sleeping I get lost in thought.
I take my tongue and roll it along the edges of my teeth
I am lost.
Sitting in my closet with the doors closed, and my back turned on the world
Despite the clock telling me it's four in the morning, the light stays on.
Pacing the room, I leave and go to the kitchen
Walking blindly into this world of darkness, hearing the floor creak beneath me.
I fear that it has been so long that I have wrote more than a few sentences
That my hand will be blistered in the morning when I wake up.
Looking out of the kitchen window, I find the earth is sleeping
Yes even the rain has called it a night.
It is nice when you get up and see some life, something - anything
Just to know, just to have the feeling that you aren't alone.
So as I jot these words down - handwriting like a third grader
I sit in the misery of my mind playing tricks.
It is my minds song, that plays over and over in the dark
For at this time, not a light is to be found inside my head.
It would take some magic - Disneyland magic of some sort
I fear I shall never get to bed,
The words tingle my paper in fear it is true.
Running my fingers through my hair, only to have some fall out
What is the meaning of this mindless trap that I am in?
I fear I shall never know.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Cold Twelve

Everything hurts so much more when its cold outside
And you're looking at yourself in the mirror
Crying, but you don't know why
Its like a chore in a hearse that carries your secrets
Carrying on the burden - keeping closed the casket
It's something you don't want to do.
There has to be a reason I'm still believing
Hanging up this picture is like a story being told through the wall.
It was the start to a portrait of an apology
In your song
But if I'm lucky, we will dance to the song on the radio
For if I fall - I might not rise up again,
And then I would lose my chance with you and at this dance.
It takes two to tango, but I'm out by 1..
So if your Cinderella, run it by me again.
Just turn your sleep into a dream and do it again.
The fear takes getting use to,
The cold twelve strikes of midnight
Like these scattered pieces of my life - I call art
You are the bird of prey,
And yet I still wear the scarlet letter for you.
Why?
It is a picture most can paint with the blinking of their eyelids.
Yet I can still taste the sun with my tongue
And the teardrops of the moon still tingle my ears
But all flirts are real, until dismissed
So come with me down this hollow hall
And breathe some life back into me.
These thin wiry arms can't take much more
For if they are exposed
You will see the deeper image standing inside me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

1941

Crying into your soul
You crumble, and stagger.
The fire shall be awoken from the tear that rolls down your cheek.
Snakes rise from the ashes that lay on the ground of your carcass
For the frost on your eyelids can not reach your roots,
The roots that are a part of the puzzle.
And who moves through the shadows of strangers?
Leaping on bounds of glory - behind the masses - behind the faces.
To bring the fitting piece to the table?
Did you lose yourself upon the stars, or in my eyes?
Let me be the one to stand on the cross
My knees steady - and feet ready.
And I keep closing my eyes...
So you can chart my trip.
And if you do this - I know I can fly farther through the wings of your flight.
For you - and only you - know the demons that lay ahead.
The fear of being without you, alone - scares me
Its obvious that I scream so you will find me.
Crawled in a corner with the tears bleeding down my face..
I don't know how it happened
I want to shout, scream and bleed the bloody youths of the nation
But it will never be enough.
Get up with me, and scream
And just bleed the youth.. and the tragic fate they play upon us
We are on the edge of the 21st century in the 23rd hour.
It's like sand is passing through my hands,
Because my life is wasting away..
But now - times up.
Feed me
Tempt me
And slap my hand when I take the goods
For even if you scold me - I just want to be near you.
Screaming deep within from sight of this army
The onslaught from the rapid acceleration of the waves
For it is the water that keeps crushing me - smashing my souls fairy dust
The darkness falls and the light struggles to get up on my life
Love me for me.
Where are you?
For even the footprints are washed out from the sand
Look into my eyes.. and disappear.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

Satisfaction of Life

When the rain in me subsides
And some new rays of life fall upon the skin
It makes me question everything.
Life is one crazy trip right after another.
You know what I want to do?
These voices in my head wont leave me alone
They keep saying my name
Crying for a response
Leaving me a few inches from insane
The voices tell so many stories of my life
Grinding on my senses, I grab the car keys and try to by pass the wire to my head
Disconnected from my thoughts, my emotion downloads from the digital world.
What am I going to do?
Like a bomb surgeon - what wire do I cut?
Like a dog in the wild, with no where to turn
Come into my world, and experience these senses..
I need an answer.
And I cant shy away from the microphone
Its an overhead call - my calling.
I don't want to wait for my number to be called
These mindless poems make more nonsense than sense.
And I turn to my music,
And I turn to my empty room, turning off the phone for silence.
Isn't it funny - how the future can change in the blink of an eye?
For my place in this world - my existence is always up in the air
Just tell me that you feel the same
There are just some feelings that you can't deny
So the world must go on, with or without me.
You made my life complete
Thank you for coming into my life,
Flooding me with your love - I drown in the incense of confusion
Pulling out from the drowsiness of sleep
I'm looking angry and have a reason to pull this trigger
Before I get bigger than the fate of mine - I unwind,
It all hangs in the twine, with father time.
Remembering those times we made love in the roses
And kissing in the peddles of the night
The time you had me crying over her shoulders
But now with each finger on each hand I pick up these boulders
And I sink my own ship.
As I sail into the world of mistake
I find myself swimming through the void..
Hearing those three uneasy waves in the heart,
It makes everything hurt so much deeper
It makes everything pump so much harder.
Oh take me back to the stars
And fool me blindly - because I only want to be with you.
And they say we are lucky
But somehow you stand there laughing at me
Get up the audacity and ask me why I can't stand to look at you
Even if it means life or death
It seems I can't pull myself to get through this
They wont stop chanting at me.
I can't pull myself to get through this
It is my semi-charmed kind of distance
It makes me thirsty for an answer,
Is it my return - or my final goodbye?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

A Heartfelt Head

All my dreams I had were echoed in the sea
But the forests of my mind haunted me
And I cry
I write with my heart not my head.
I'm wearing a helmet
But screaming in the armor
I cant catch you
But I am spellbound by these million laughs thrown my way.
It is the dark in the lovely eyes
And the light in the midst of all wrong that has me continue
It is a heartfelt head filled with memories.
Brimmed at the rim
Cracking at the tip
The vagary has me at odd ends
And its shifting through me like the latest fad
So I change my sentiment like my clothes
And the song carries on.
My chest heaves heavily with suicide
Like stabbing your soul
Killing off a part of you
So the hurt will stop
Part of me will always be the invisible man
And I will carry my dead soul with me,
Like a scab that you can't pick off.
The words are stuck in my mind
Throwing them into my mouth.. they are chained to my lips.
With this pencil and paper.. I write
On this sheet of paper..
That is worth the words that are written on it
With the content to destroy the society we live in,
Falling apart like a bad friendship
So take me, and break me - spread me out and see my jagged edge.
Into the humanistic life I sheer my way into
Shattered from the shell of cowardice
I feel the intentions building within me
To take the helm of my life,
And open a new eye
To see what things could really be.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003

The White Flame Burns

I am enflamed
Crumbling like the fire that engulfs the paper.
From ashes to dust
And its the same dust that settles so coldly on my shoulder.
The snow falls so hard on the rocks below,
That it is drawing on the blood from the sea.
But this mundane mind wont have time to react
To this whirl wind I am drawing upon myself.
I am in the spotlight - causing the waves to hush when I enter.
It is me who has stolen center stage,
I have taken it.
By dazing at the paper work..
The blue prints of my life,
I try not to build a sphere..
I don't want to be like a cat chasing a light
A light that shone all too clearly when you held it.
Who are you?
I have lost the lime light - it feels like an overbearing panic attack
Face to face with the demon that stares back at you in the mirror
My senses are suspended from within,
And my vision has been enhanced through the fog.
I hear all of the words you think,
I feel all of the reject that the world offers me.
Life is a waterfall - mine is sifting through the air
Where it will land.. nobody knows.
Drink from the waves and swim in a void
And if you learn one thing, never pay the reaper with contempt
My payment is due, and it is on the rise in the back burner of my mind.
Under all of this thick headed-ness..
Under the skin, deep below, are skid marks
That screams through my eyes and listens quietly through my words
It listens as the scars have the innocence of a child stolen from beneath it
You saw the dreams born before your eyes
And now the eyes are glazed over
For the pain heals - and you return to the spotlight.
Raining with embarrassment
Tears come to your eyes.. and you drift to the satisfaction
Of knowing there will always be tomorrow.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2003