Failures Unseen

As the woman drives down the street
She wipes away tears from her eyes;
Cars pass her by on this unforgiving night.
Arriving at a park she stops and gets out,
So now she walks down this never ending street.

Someone stops her to say hello,
she greets them and smiles
She can't - she won't breakdown in front of you,
only when nobody is around,
can you really begin to understand who she is.
Greet me with a smile and I’ll look past your puffy eyes,
I don't want to see that you've been sleepless
To see you and acknowledge you in your broken state of being
Would require a little something of me.

And will you take notice when I'm gone?
Do you realize that this seat is empty and dusty?
How many times I've seen you and others move on,
Many times I've sat back and watched a section of my life
Move to the dormant stage.
And myself? I move backwards... away from the limelight

My flame still burns for you,
The candlelight falls to the dark of the world
And the wax has built itself up
Now I am content with my thoughts in the back of my mind,
But I am disconnected from you.

All of this anger I have,
Is aimed at all of my very own downfalls
Something I can never seem to do right
Is just be... Yet, I continue on-
Each day bringing new heights of failure to my naked eyes.
I fail so much that I fear it is becoming a norm
Something I don't wish for anybody.
My only friend is the emptiness inside me...
It truly can relate to how I feel all the time.
I struggle with life, I struggle with God

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

A Rivers Withdrawal

I feel as if I must put up this wall
Cold sweat drips off my forehead,
To let you think things go deeper than they are

You will let me shed a tear and write theological words
As I impose my will, you will think of me higher,
Think of me deeper...
Think of me everything I am not when I think in this river of thought.

It cascades around me
So let me withdraw and pull back from any true relationship
As I repeat my own history that I despise.
I fail at everything I try,
And I suceed at doing everything I wish I didn't.

I am endlessly bleeding these thoughts.
Every heartbeat hurts
No love in the sky but maybe
Someday you will love life like my heart aches to live..

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

Mind over matter

What is it, this film...
The taste of a lie in my mouth.
You look at me, we lock eyes in this glorious moment,
But I look away knowing I simply can’t,
You call my name knowing what to say.
Pleasure and excitement fills me from head to toe…
I know that I'm not doing it…If I tell myself enough times...
I might believe it.
I keep telling myself mind over matter
That lie resonates in my brain and the echo’s of it look down
They look down the empty hallways I call memories

Mind over matter
And now I've gone too far.
I turn back to my girl and the shame fills my body.
Feeling dirty all over I struggle to keep eye contact
My hands shake as I realize what a mistake I have just made
I bought this self discovery on impulse
And it costs dearly.

I turn my head and offer a prayer,
And shiver at the cool silence that crashes over me.
Help me make the right choice,
My mind is willing, my flesh so weak.
I finally start to realize its matter over mind.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

The Encounter With Fire

A man quietly steps into his black room
Editing the film, he cuts it and lays it gently down on the table
Never ignoring his emotions he starts to cry

It is the sensation when emotions run rapid and overwhelm the body

What lay at his fingertips now past
A frame of life
Now, just once was.

Walking outside towards a field
He can’t help but look up
These stars-
These swirling divine lights
Since he was a little boy they’ve looked over him
Tonight they just seemed to press against his inner thoughts
Showing him a new intimacy with his soul, that he didn’t ask for

His shallow glance upon the heavens was meant to harm
The judgmental attitude of pain was about him
He shouted out to the Lord in agony.
“Show me the way,
Let me see it with your eyes oh Lord my God”
And the Lord answered his prayer that night.

All the nature outside stopped in terror
The rain started to come down, and beat upon his head
It shook his infrastructure
His legs were shaky and collapsed like none other
Hands hitting the ground, nails digging into the soil
His heart beat loudly in his ears, and his blood pressure rose
A frantic moment in time
And he crashed to the ground, as the heavens opened up.

Trying to look up was hard enough, but all he could see was a glow.
Making out two eyes, he squinted at the brightness
Two eyes stared upon him, looking deep into his unknowns with compassion and forgiveness.
He was sacred, and his insides shook.

Then in a Holy Moment
His eyes burned with Love, and tingled like fire.
And in a moment he saw through out saviors eyes.

Do you see the fire in his eyes?
Unleash the man within you.
You were created for a bigger purpose.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

My Maker

Maker of heaven and earth
My song is to you

Praise be to God who gives us knowledge and a choice!
Everlasting father - take me with you.
Send your holy fire upon this land and wake the nations!
O God my God
Help me.
My every thought-- my every waking moment
To be lived out as you would have
Lord let your will be done within me
My soul is in torment in anticipation of your return
And I sing with jubilee
Save my friends, take me instead!
For they do not yet know you- and you are my father whose hands I know.
Let my brother see past his hatred for the church
Give him pure eyes to see what money means
Make him a father who will show the Love of You
The stars in the sky proclaim you are God
You are the light in this fallen world..
Help me twinkle and reflect - for a moment your face
You are the angel in the night
This is my canvas to life-
Help me show the Kinkades how it is done.
Handle my frail body with care- and lay me down beside you
For as sure as the night is dark my love grows for you
Take this gasoline and pour it over me
I want to burn for you - I want to be a
Flaming torch that people squint when they see!
Forgive me for my foolish flesh knows no other way
You are the love of my life.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

War on Terror

Who gave purpose to chance?
Daily a symphony for you I hope my life brings.
Get on your feet!
Fight the battle that wages war upon you
Fear Not!
Why should we not expect the same treatment as you received
a king, The King - how much better are we?
So we sit back and live out or lives, waiting for something big.

Our bones tingle and our senses love stories...
Wars being waged and the one with much gift prevails!
So I sit in this library of knowledge
Telling me everything I know, and nothing I don’t

How much will any of this mean centuries from now?
We cry out like a violin under pressure, and crack.
Much like a violin - we are fragile people
We get attached to people and to things,
To anyone who will listen.

About 1 billion
That is the number of Muslims that need us!
Why as an Arab war - men give their lives for their God
How sad are we!?
O Blessed nation of God - whose men hide behind excuses to get involved
Shallow we are and easily tempted.

We have great expectations
Why cant we live up to them?
Don't gain the world and lose your soul,
Rather give and live your life in service for others.
Live with a passion for Jesus.
Is it in you?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

Bleeding Thoughts

My bleeding thoughts,
They surround me
And circle up like an angry crowd
How can it be?

Here I sit - basking in the grace of God
And those round me cannot feel what I feel
How is it fair?

I want to be everything you want me to be
So I sit and write on this strained paper
As I try to stop the bleeding of my thoughts.

Here I am.. Once again
Sitting at the feet of my father.
And I stare into the deep dark sky
Which peers further back into me
My heartbeat grows faint, and I slip
Hands not quite grasping reality.
Mind not quite grasping this effect you have on life.

Why do I fix what isn’t broken?
I can see the glow far from here,
And the way you are molding me.
But my mind tells me
What I don’t control - really isn’t mine...
So how do I control my life?

Every breath I take makes me know
You are watching my every move.
Day by day to you I belong
Your majesty - the title only fit for a king
So is this the end of the road?
I am desperate for you... fill me up!
So these moments of the divine will not go untold
Your word speaks to me, heals me, frustrates me
It makes me better
Thank you for your wisdom
Praise Adonai!

Poem by J.A.D. © 2006

--- © Poetry Section from year 2005 ---

Cities on Hills

I walk down the street
With some quiet conversation stored away in my pocket.
The moisture of the air is making clouds form
That will eventually wash this city of a days work.
And it makes me realize,
How glad I am that you don't wash your hands of me, oh Lord
For your fingerprints are found all over me.
Evidence that you are here,
Proof that there is more than what the eye can see.
I open my mouth but I have nothing to say.
I can't seem to justify anything anymore
And it all comes back to haunt me.
Squarely on my shoulders, we now see what we've known all along,
It is my fault.
These fresh cuts, and open scars that cry quietly,
Just want to heal in Your grace.
Away from the noises, from the dangers
Away from this city, from which patience is mixed with self defeat.
It is the recipe that is eating away at my open wounds.
The pain is intense, and it shocks me each time.
My arms are so heavy and I cannot lift them to protect myself
From this virus of the earth.
And though I can hear you calling out to me,
My body is so worn that I can't find the strength to do anything about it.
This type of struggle is like writers block,
I know what I need to do, even how
But I cant.. and it hits me harder than life.
For we are born with a sense of hunger to wander deeper into you.
Giving everything to you, we find all we will ever need.
How humbling it is and how mysterious your mind
When I stand in the wilderness staring at the deep dark sky
Pitch black without direction,
My eyes cast light to my feet
Lit by your wonder and word.
This is what I've waited for all my life.
I unpack my thoughts in my pocket
Speaking of the joys and sorrows of life with you.
Crying on your shoulder, leaning on your grace
And learning a little more about you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2005

Archambault

Beauty is of the mind
It yearns to be looked at and sought after,
Yet you are dreaming of heaven with your eyes clenched shut.
The expression is seen all over your face,
It tells of the experience all over your body.
You are nothing but a princess
And God is spoiling you.
Senses start to tingle as you realize this dream world isn't real.
Waking up from it all, you close your eyes and in sorrow sigh deeply
Your hands wrap around mine, your eyes lock with mine
Wishing for tomorrow to come today.
We can see the world tonight
And a better side of me, if I could only grasp what is truly mine.
But I don't know how to hold on to you.
You are much like a butterfly that I can't touch without risking certain death.
I won't let you die but juggling these internal affairs are more than enough.
I can't help but keep pushing you away,
It's all I've ever known.
So I stand back and watch the beauty unfold in our lives.
Close your eyes again and dream on in galaxies of thought.
While these mental breakdowns crash over me,
Causing my insides to ache.
The signals they send are mixed,
And the emotions run rapid.
Time has come and passed,
Making me wonder if you hear my heart beating at night
Or feel my senses pulsating?
I'm still here, but my innermost fears have struck within me
Sensing something is wrong.
My pupils dilate in the anticipation of movement,
Hearing sharpens being aware of the moment.
I didn't hear you leave, but that doesn't mean you won't come back
And I didn't see the footsteps, but you can't simply walk out of my heart.
Falling on my knees, I cry out 'I am what I am'
And you must realize the grass is only as green as you can see.
It's a trap of your minds eye.
When my heart burns,
I want it to burn for you, I want you to feel it.
And as it tingles on your chest, feel it residing in your soul giving you peace.
Does this love I have burn like fire in the reflection of your eyes?
If you leave me I'll become all you were to me,
And I'll tell them your name.
Always praying for you to the last breath,
Never doubting you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2005

The Beating Heart

Every heartbreak hurts, so catch me.
I'm falling.
This fear is inked into my expressions
And I see no expression within myself, and it leaves me feeling cold.
Nothing like a splash of cold water upon my face to help me fight the day.
The very same water that evaporates into my sentences
The words that exit my mouth like a lost vapor in a desert of steam.
Catch me as I'm falling
Your fallen angel.
My knees hit the ground and I am left kneeling at the feet of your presence
In a moment like this I squint to see your mercy pour through.
Like a monsoon storm in Africa the rain pours on the roof,
Darkening the day, and quieting all existence with a clap of thunder.
Yet we are all so wrecked from the havoc of life that we miss all the small things,
Like rainbows of a different kind, of a different place- not a symbol of these times.
To the world you Bless on Sunday, when you collect offerings.
Otherwise you are just a passing through on a moment of convenience.
In a world where we are best kept inside, you push us out.
My name is erased as I step outside
For I see that I am not alone, maybe one of a kind for this generation.
But what about the grand scheme of the world?
Where do I fit in?
Oh what a sad existence we are fed.
Pushing onward I reach to my inner strength
But my insides do not feel authentic
I am holding back, but not around you oh Lord.
A guard that only comes down when I am with You.
What is the meaning of this?
Nothing but emotion split on these hands of time
What a colorful display.
My heart beats and pushes this toxin
Through my veins and in my life.
A virus of sin, and it does not stop when you start to cry, it multiplies
Eyes being poisoned throughout my day so that I can hardly see.
I don't need eyes to see Your love.
You cause my hurt to be erased, You are my cure to this disease and my breath to life.
So I sit back with ease and look at the surrounding mass of culture swarm around me in contempt.
This empire pushes upon my comfort zone, breaking the limits.
And again I fall in agony to you.
Sending up a prayer, that maybe my life will reflect Your glory.
Take this heart of mine oh Lord, and make me as You see fit.
Telling me through sweet whispers
'Someday you will Love like my heart Aches.'
Oh to love with such a passion
Shall only happen when I'm in the arms of you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2005

Save Me

As the fiery sky sends night plummeting head first
I gaze in awe at the events of my life like
It all seems like a bad film.
And my eyes are glazed over when all I ever wanted was you.
Break me Lord, and take apart my chest, spread my ribcage
Replace this heart of mine.
I lay upon this grassy hill as the stars above shine brightly
For the doctor has arrived and is ready to operate.
The spreading of the skin, the breaking of myself-
Dusting off the charcoal hands as black fragments fall
The pixie dust - the magic to life spills
And sparkles as it hits the ground
Who knew it was a diamond in the ruff?
As I hold up my hands I show you my misplaced worth
You smile as you take the hardened heart that is breaking at every touch
You give me anew
Breathing into my soul, you fuel my desire.
I gasp for air
Breathing in for the first time -
I realize the true desires of my heart.
Nobody can comprehend the gift of Jesus
What fuels you?
My everyday- my every breath I give to you.
Help me grow deep into your heart.
So that I can live out your will within me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2005

Blinded

Why do my reflections cry while my face stays still?
I pray, but I hear silence..
What shall help these empty wavelengths... tossed in a sea of radio?
My fingers grasp upon this blood of life, how my prune shaped fingers gasp and breathe in the air of this world.
My skin makes a new home not envisioned by you.
How stunningly quick the people cry and react without a thought.
With my hands covering my face I look up to the sky,
Laced with silver stars, and twinkling galaxies I see no more
Blinding by the sound of life, as I blatantly scream from the pit of my soul.
My life is but a blur moving so fast I can hardly keep up with the events that shape it.
No longer creating my destiny, my destiny is now seemingly created for me,
So watch as I see a masterpiece that was supposed to be me,
Painted upon the canvas of someone else's life.
Blurs of light and darkness engulf my eyes in shame, for I know not what I see
Yet I am deafened by the sight of it,
For now I stare in a supernatural trance.
Waiting anxiously for my life to be picked by your hands like a ripe summer strawberry begs to be eaten.
But we are so are numb, moving too quickly to see the time of life tick by our eyes.
The hands of time are pushing against us and calling our name, cutting off the circulation of touch.
Why cant we stop to see that we were meant to live for a lot more.
Live for more than self gratification.
So take the school bus home, go into your house with the vanity fair and lock it away.
Our freedom lies within this digital age
Our freedom lies to us- putting its leash tightly around our neck us while we sleep.
We are the blind leading the deaf.
Addicted like a cocaine addict we want more technology,
The world has us hooked on believing in the hi-tech world.
Yet we are all so numb, we can't feel your touch.
So unaware of the war being declared upon us, our eyes glazed over.
Amber leaves and purple melody tunes help us feel.. what we want the most.
I am as guilty as the leader of the pack.
Why do we have this hate imbedded into every nation on the earth, and why do most discriminate?
Why do we look to magazines and articles for how to feel, and read on how to love?
I want to cry, but I just feel sad.
My eyelids are dry, yet my body weeps.
Shadows of fallen angels surround us.
Lord, oh Father, help to address these problems while we can still reach you.
Before we drift further than we are..
We pray to you oh Lord,
Yet we lash out when you don't give us what we want.
Forgive us of our ignorance.
You are the creator, we are the created,
How much right do we have to yell at the hand who made us?
What right does a piece of formless clay have to shout at the top of its worth, telling the sculptor what to do?
We are wrong.
Help us to Break this silence Lord, starting with this prayer.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2005

Boiler

My heart is pounding
I'm on the edge of my words, in the tip of this sinking ship.
I need you.
A missing pin from a track can de-rail trains.
Birds cause an airplane to crash..
Pets cause car accidents...
I am weak, and a wreck, yet I am he, who's has the pin, the cage, and the leash
But fails to see anything coming.
Take the mask of complacency, place it over my heart
For scarred and broken, and untrusting isn't someone to be.
Help me not be lost in your sea of wonder
These roots of mine are weak and thin
And yours are so strong and divine, let them stretch deep within me
Further than before, making peace out of my civil war.
Show everyone the true reality of who I am.
But in my minds eye I am but a failure
On my own terms, with my own re guard and guidelines.
This filth that I have made my skin, I ask for a change of body, a change of life - change me..
And I surrender.. under your grace and love.
I'm on the edge of this vengeful world,
Hanging on the sharp edge of its persuasive word
Fighting with its morals and systems.
How awesome are you...
Who use the weak to lead the strong.
My world keeps spinning, but if I didn't struggle to keep my balance,
Then I wouldn't depend as much on you.
I want you
My face fills with blood, pounding from the pressure.
Veins are seen working overtime, and a fire explodes in my eye
I burn for you.
Meeting you in this place, to see the face of my embrace.
How I am lost within your presence.
How your love makes sense to the senseless, I may never know.
I Love you Lord.
Hold me tightly within your arms.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2005

Fade to Frail

Ever felt so emotionally unstable, unaware and unknowing
Yet to be at the center of it all
Just so frozen, so taken back.. so surprised?
A deer in headlights, but a thousand times worse.
Do you know what that feels like?
Do you know of what I speak of?
In my state of mind confusion...
My heart, my sea of love is willing... but it turn me inside out.
I see you with your arms open wide
But all I seem to do right, is fade to my frailness.
I wish the tears I cry would release me
But I am a prisoner.
Every tear shredding my soul once again.
Broken, I cleanse myself to my own paradox.
Tears land on me, alien to my skin because my skin is a virgin to its own tears
I don't cry.
I let tears stream down my face, but I don't cry.
These lines of moisture act as a chain that holds me captive.
Me and my heart of stone pours out of me onto the tears I shed,
and I am tired.
All the while I feel like I've become black & white, then gray.
Someday the glassy look in my eyes will break
And the flame in my eyes will burn brighter with each day.
Each day I try to change and everyday I try to change.. I fail.
My soul has been pierced, it has hurt me, and the blood has covered my face
It has stained me.
The pain, has become my peace.
All I do is fall on grace to get me by.
For the skin I'm in fights with the mind that pushes against its will
Embrace me, hold me.. and catch me from falling.
I look to you for the answer to the question
Blessed are the shadows, for souls they'll never reach.
I close my eyes and all I see is champagne pouring from the heavens
And a smile form on your face.
I pray until my knees are sore and my jeans have holes.
Thank you Lord for never leaving my side when I need you most
Please forgive my actions as my body knows not what harm it may bring.
Keep me close to you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2005