--- © Poetry Section from year 2001 ---

My Relief

I start to write about pain, about my life -
And my frustrations
But I get my relief by writing
It seems that when I write, my emotions pour out through my fingertips
Being written in blood on the paper I write.
Doing so helps me, it lets me have my own journal that everyone can read and see.
Why should I care if they judge me by it?
I would rather have them judge me by something I wrote -
Than what someone else wrote.
Sometimes so much emotion pours out of me onto the paper
I am tired.
While I feel like I've become black and white
I read the paper and how colorful it now seems to be
I write for my own piece of mind - so that everything will be fine.
Some people can relate to me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Life

Life has many challenges
Some are big, and some are small
My mind races and paces
Thinking about people I call friends
People I can trust my life with
But not my darkest secret
I try to talk to them, comfort them
Be a friend to them
But I am caught in my own life's challenges
I am prone to pluck the heart before it bleeds
I realize what I am doing
It is best for others, or at least that's what I tell myself
They talk to me like they can't inquire any further - deeper
So here I am.
Behind a screen, talking to people who do care
Why cant life end?
I admit that I wouldn't want to be on earth when time stops
But the thought of waking up, and being alone...
With millions of others who I don't know - in panic.
Amuses me and my brain
Life is a challenge in itself
Tackle it while you have it in your grasps

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Every tear

Every tear shreds my soul more.
One of the good parts of having a soul.
When a tear lands on me it feels wet
Tingly to my skin because my skin is a virgin to tears
How can you cry over something like that?
Did it really effect you that deeply?
I don't cry.
I let tears stream down my face,
But I don't cry.
How can you stand there and look at me
Telling me what to do
Am I acting the way you want me to?
Am I normal like you now?
I can try to be everything for you
But no matter how hard I try,
It's just never good enough for you is it?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Five minutes

I love the sound of rain.
I went outside and just watched the rainfall.
I was soaked, but I was also caught in the moment of things.
When it rains, in the summer, all the trees, the ground and bushes are all clean.
Clean from anything that has happened.
The smell of rain is wonderful, especially when it's nice and cool outside.
But you must love those oh-so-rare summer rains,
When its almost hot outside, and it rains for five minutes.
After it stops raining you feel the ground and how cool it is to your touch.
Look up on the horizon and see fog coming up towards you.
You run towards it like you would if you were five years old.
Now standing on top of a hill surrounded by this fog you begin to hear things.
You hear distant cheers of friends playing down towards the house.
They call for you - but no, you like it just where you are.
No trees on this hill, just short cut grass, bits of it dead.
You can see a full 360 degrees and how just beyond the hill how many trees there are.
The sun is right on you, but not that far away from you your friends are in the shade.
Tall pines and bushes engulf them in shade and everything lying near them.
You spot a dirt path not too far from the house
Take a walk down this old path, and see what it has to offer.
Blueberries - just right for the picking
Taste one and have your mouth trip for a moment over how juicy and delicious they are.
Take some for your trip back to the house.
Enter in and get comfortable, listen to your grandma talk to your parents,
Look around at the house and just wonder at all these walls have seen and heard.
When you see the sun beginning to set, you get set to go outside.
Perfect weather, and your even dry now to enjoy it!
Go outside and leave the wonderful at home aroma of your grandma's house.
Looking around you can tell the day is soon to end.
Flowers are closing up and everything is even quieter than before.
A drop of water sticks out to you as you observe things around you.
The drop was a crystal - and yet for a moment it was suspended in time.
The coolness of the night air was near
And still you could see some effects of the five-minute rain.
Walk uphill until you can see the house, and the now small hill.
Civilization, every hour or so a car would pass by,
The road was a nice shaded road, curved enough to give it some character.
Trees were everywhere, to give you a thought about how many trees there were
Just take a pencil and stick it through your hair, your pencil of course would be the road.
And the hair would resemble all the trees this road was curved going uphill
Of course you were near the top.
Silence is in everything, the trees and even the road.
Walk around near the road; you see a puddle of water from a hole in the road.
You know what that means!
Walk over to it and kick it, watching it trickle down the hill.
Almost time to go in but, but why? Can't we just stay here?
It was almost dark out, and still just as wonderful.
You see a light turn on in the house, thinking to yourself
How nice it would be to have some company right now
So you walk, jog and then not by choice run down the hill.
But you notice how fun it is and just go along with it.
Time to go inside, so say goodbye.
Fireflies flicker as the night sets in.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

To give it thought

I want you to imagine that you are around in the old days.
The time of Jesus, yes. You are Jesus.
So you like it?
Think of how it would feel carrying a heavy cross on your back,
Fun stuff right?
Now think of the thorny hat that they put on you
With thorns piercing your skin.. you taste your own blood.
You cant forget walking towards the place you will be put up at.
Think of what it would feel like to have your feet put over one another
And then nailed to a wooden cross
The very same one you once held on your back.
You still have a little step to stand on when you are brought upright
Just enough to keep you living but enough to live through the pain
Tie your hands up this will hurt.
Have nails be stuck through not your hands but wrists.
Wait were not done!
Pull up the cross and let it stand
Feel the weight of gravity pulling you down
And the nails piercing your hands and feet
Now let the people mock you
Get ready, you are about to watch the same thing happen
To two of your best friends

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

No feeling

I have lost the feeling I had before
I have no desire to do the things I did before
I am not the same person as I was before
I use to think that it was okay to be like me
Is it okay to be like this?
I don't have a desire to do anything anymore
I wake up as a routine and then I go online.
I have more friends online than I do in person
The score is 3 to 30... so you see why I'm online so much?
What would you do?
I can't turn back the hands of time
I must push on.
Now I just see people and want to be like them.
Is that so bad?
Why is this the way I am?
So I sit behind a keyboard and a screen and type messages to people I've probably never met.
And you judge me like a book and it's cover.
Is it really that bad?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Death

I am told not to fear death
Should I look forward to it?
No - I should be prepared for it.
The funny thing about death is we all will die,
But nobody knows when, how or where.
Are you afraid of death?
Or do you just avoid death as much as you can?
Eternity think about the meaning of that word.
If in fact, there is life after death,
Nobody has came back and told anyone about it,
Every person knows its coming.
But, when, where how?
Don't live your life in fear,
But on the flip side - don't live your life like an idiot.
Life is to short and precious to waste

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

You don't know

You don't know how much I feel for you
I could tell you with words, but they wouldn't do my feelings justice
When I talk to you - I want to hold you.
When I look into your eyes, I want to stay in that moment forever
What would happen if I did tell you what I feel?
You wouldn't believe me, you never have.
Do you know any bit of what I'm feeling?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Where would you choose?

Where do I want to be? - where would I choose to be?
This could be a very broad question, or answer.
You can think of it night and day and come up with many answers.
If I had to choose a couple places to tell you about which ones would I choose?
I think I would choose places that I can think, and reflect.
Some places that I love going to, are the ocean.
I know, it's probably predictable, but I don't care.
I can go to the ocean and daydream.
I can go and think of what it would be like to live so close to a seemingly endless body of water.
Or how I would go out every morning and look out across the ocean - or would I?
I would be sure to enjoy myself at night.
I would start up a fire, and sit back in a char and relax.
I would be pleased rather easily, and would probably only need a cup of coffee to hold me over.
Then the fog would set in and I would have to get up and walk home.
You can walk the coast for miles, and just hear the crashing of the waves.
The sound is like the loudest surround sound stereo system you will never have, made by nature.
You don't have to go barefoot, if you want you can wear shoes - it doesn't matter,
Either way you will temporally leave your marks in the sand.
So this makes me like everyone else, wanting to live on the coast right?
Maybe it does, I don't know.
Paint a picture in your mind of a place where the trees are abundant.
Now put some moss on those trees, during the daylight only let certain amounts of light in.
Don't forget to add the ferns on the ground, and the cool temperatures.
This would be my place.
At night you wouldn't be able to see your own hand in front of your face.
You would ride a bike around and feel the cool breeze against your cheeks, during the summer.
When winter came it would be just cold enough for it to snow, but not to stick.
Do you think it is good to dream?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

My dream

How can you be sad and happy all in the same moment?
It started off as a regular plane flight, You should know that I have no fear of flying.
We were taking off from an east coast city. Somewhere like Boston or NYC.
We started to take off, after taxing with the air controller.
My whole family whole family was on this flight.
Oddly enough so were some of my classmates.
Everyone on the plane is calm as we being to prepare to take off.
Everything is going "normal".
This was one of the hardest airports to take off from,
We started to move, and I could feel the plane jerk ahead,
We rolled on gaining momentum.
About the time we were going to take off I noticed that we didn't have a lot of speed.
Somehow I figured that something would go wrong.
Picture yourself having a bad dream and knowing something bad is going to happen,
But still you can't do anything about it you're helpless,
Ask yourself even if you could do something who would believe you?
I was for the most part - holding my breath hoping everything would be fine.
It was smooth sailing as we prepare to lift but it's just that feeling that wouldn't go away.
We got the nose of the aircraft up and after a few seconds the tail came up.
I could see almost everything moving in slow motion.
I was scared for my life, and wanted out of the aircraft.
I have never felt like this before.
It would be the perfect time to die.
I have just gotten back from doing something I really enjoyed,
And we were leaving on the airplane just as the sun was setting.
Picture yourself in an aircraft.
Do you know the feeling where your stomach feels like it can come up?
But then the plane drops down suddenly and it all normal?
I had that feeling the whole time, and it wouldn't leave.
We were barely in the air, and then began loosing altitude.
There was water up a head, if we were lucky we would hit it.
If not then we would end up slamming into a concrete wall.
The freeway was also up head, right before the water.
The pilot did everything in his power to keep us up.
We dodged the cement highway overpass we ducked under it.
Now everybody knew that this plane was out of control and nobody could stop it.
It was like every single person in the plane knew just as much as I did.
We were going to crash.
It was dead silent, all you could hear were the airplane's engines giving up,
Everyone was looking out the window, and the plane began to sway,
The bulk of the passengers on this flight, were in the front - so the pilot tried to turn the plane away from the now increasingly bigger wall.
Although I was in the plane at the time
I could imagine what it looked like crashing into the wall.
I could see it play back over and over in my head.
The plane was almost turned 300 degrees from where it was before,
The pilot turned it cleverly when the plane stalled a few seconds,
Just enough time for the pilot to get the position he wanted with the plane.
That way the bulk of the hit would be towards the back saving most of the passengers.
In theory it would have worked.
Not everybody died a lot of people I knew did.
Once the plane hit I blacked out,
I can only remember going thought the airport lobby, where all the other survivors were.
There I saw a great friend of mine not shaken not stirred.
I was so surprised to see my old best friend and I went over to talk.
I don't know why but the actions of my friend were very amusing
He saw me, and didn't acknowledge me.
Instead was talking to all of his friends like nothing was wrong.
I went up to him and asked if he was on this flight?
And if he knew that a plane had crashed and in fact that it was mine.
He replied calmly and very coldly that he was also on the flight.
And had known what had happened.
Astonished I asked if he was ok,
I wondered why he was even flying - have it by chance have it on the same flight as me.
I never got an answer.
He just ignored me and kept talking to his friends.
Looking back at that day,
I realize that the reason I was happy and sad was because
I still had my life and was living - I also knew how close to death I really was.
Sad because I lost my family and everything else I took for granted.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Yes it's another insight into my mind.

The thing that would probably touch you or change you the most
Is if you had someway of looking at your everyday life.
Most people think about their lives daily.
It's not the same.
In time - your views will probably change along with you.
If you think about things people do, it is kind of the same.
They take what they may think is a great thing and store it away.
After months, sometimes years - they comeback and see how they did.
Some people are truly happy with what they had before,
But others try to improve on what they had before - and try to make it better.
If you said something today out of emotion - or action,
And came back two months from now,
Do you think you would feel good with what you've said?
Or if you could come back a few years from now and see how you acted?
Everyone acts the way they will act.
I am not saying the way anyone acts is wrong.
It can be someone who is sweet or is mean (to put it nicely)
If you had some way of grasping the way you thought about things,
A few years ago, and the way you acted,
And how it effected people and the impact it had on people,
Do you think that you would have done everything exactly the same?
If you can actually do that,
Without having to look at a journal or anything at all, then that's great.
Or if you can talk with your friends and find out how you acted,
Keep in mind not all friends would tell you how you really acted.
Some friends are just pleasers & others are true friends.
If you find a friend who may have known you,
And can possibly act as a neutral then maybe you can start to see
The mistakes you have made.
It is only then at that time, where you can begin to change.
If you choose too.
Most people have enough impact on at least one person
That if that one person was thinking of committing suicide,
They would be the reason not too.
Suicide is just an example of course,
But unless you know someone really good
You probably won't ever figure out how much you mean to that person.
Many times people proceed in life, not knowing
Exactly how much they mean to someone.
That's just fine by me - not as many ego's.
And if that isn't enough, then how much of an impact of what they say and do can change someone's life.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

The Dark Hallway

You begin.
You start down this hallway,
Empty, black
You notice the feel of the hallway.
Damp, cool, and misty.
As you look around in a 360-degree move, you see nothing,
But darkness, nothing but black
It is covering yourself, for now you cannot see your hand.
So you decided the best move is to not stay still, but to keep moving,
You walk down this hallway, and as you're walking a light begins to appear.
You think to yourself have I died and gone to heaven?
How would I know? I've never been there.
You feel a sense of urgency, and not knowing why - continue on.
Then you try to walk- but it seems like your getting nowhere,
There is nothing there.
You fall, for what seems an endless time but is really only seconds.
Then you hit -
You get yourself up and look at the red cement,
How very real the blood tastes,
How much the cuts hurt.
Are you dreaming?
You would pinch yourself, but your too numb.
Wanting to know where you are, you go on.
You walk by old houses and streets that seem familiar to you,
Where are you?
As you try to remember, you notice that you're back in your hometown!
Where you grew up!
You think of your friend from what seems like just yesterday,
So you go up to the house, that's now old and shaggy and ask to speak to him,
"He died, - 5 years ago."
"But how, when?"
As the pain filled his family's eyes they closed the door.
So you start to worry now,
If it's a joke, then it's for a sick personality.
Starting to feel helpless, you think- why me?
You know you can't stop here, so you walk on,
Cars pass you with plates you have never seen before.
One of them stops and offers you a ride.
You said ok and got in the car.
They take you near the ocean, after riding for hours.
A secluded little place, nice and cozy.
After you got in the car, you notice these are your best friends!
They said you could stay at their place they had, until this dilemma was over.
You would have woken up the next morning,
But you died
You were out doing your job,
When someone pulled up to the side of your car that you were driving,
And told you to get out.
After taking a shot in the head your car was stolen.
He almost killed you - but you were rushed to the hospital,
You actually had a really good chance of survival,
But you slipped into a coma and never woke up.
What does this mean to you?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

June 1st 2001

I saw you just 4 days ago,
I got news today about you.
Why did you do it?
I will never see you again in my lifetime.
So you took a boulder and put it in a bag,
Then strapped the bag onto your self.
And you walked around for a few hours,
On the top of a ledge where people saw you,
After a few hours, you think you have decided what's best.
You jump,
So as you fell towards the earth what were your final thoughts?
Or was it then decided not to do it, and realized it was a mistake after all?
That would explain the struggle to survive in the water
And your frantic cry's for help.
They tried to save you - really.
And they would of have no problem,
If you didn't have the boulder tightly fastened to your body.
Your parents cried, and your close friends wept too,
You meant more than you will ever know to the people you knew.
We probably should have all seen it coming,
You giving your things back to your friends,
The one-way ticket that you said was just to get out of town.
So your life ended where you thought for a moment you wanted it to.
Lake Erie.
You have effected so many,
The worst part of it all, is your own brother, is not even shaken up,
And just thinks it will be weird not seeing you in your room.
You will be in our memories.
Rest in Peace

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001
Dedicated to Morgan

1:46 am

To you I write because you are taking over my mind,
I am not myself, without you.
I cannot stop you from being in my thoughts,
I sit and I ask myself,
Should I call her?
Does she hate me?
I know that we have done wrong,
And that we should have both by now moved on,
But my love for you had not.
All I'm asking for now,
Is not for a second chance,
But for your heartfelt forgiveness
Can you find it in your heart,
To talk to me again?
To look at me again?
Give me another chance to prove myself
After all was said and done, I hated you.
Me and you breaking up, tore my soul out
It brought me from wherever I was, to an all time low.
I need you now, but I cannot find you
Where are you?
You know my number, why don't you use it?
Did I hurt you that much?
I'm sorry.
Just sit down and talk to me - face to face
Tell me how you feel
The last thing I want now is for you to have hard feelings towards me.
Please talk to me,
I still care I'm still here for you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

This is Me

I cannot control it
My cry is lost in the night
Each hour, each second brings me closer to death
Depression and a hatred filled with anger overcomes me
Tears of anger flow down my face
The once salty taste of a tear is now blood
I am bleeding on the inside and not the outside
My mind races for answers
Why? these friends, these people that surround me sometimes simply fade out
They fade out of my life and out of my trust
Exciting yet depressing moments arise,
When you meet a potential...
A potential friend.
Exciting is the fact that you have finally met someone new,
Depressing is realizing that your dreaming.
But the taste of blood lingers
Is it the lack of love that once filled you?
The way you USE to think of people?
Or is it just reality hitting you
It is reality because I am awake
The cause for bleeding on the inside would be...
My Emotions
As they run deep through my veins,
They also consume me as a person
This is me,.... or is it you?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001