Thursday, July 28, 2005

Endless

You are like a firefly
Hard to catch - beautiful, and interesting.
I feel like I am running after you
But you always seem to slip through my fingers.
I had you once, and let you get away
But I will always be here for you
Waiting for you to call
Waiting for you to answer
I am here as a friend or as a lover.
But I cannot wait around forever
Even if it seems that's what I'm doing
You are really special to me.
I can talk to you once a month and still desire to be with you.
Distance is not the problem.
I am staring blankly at endless shadow of black
With nothing coming to turn my head
I love you
My first love, and deepest.
And now is not the time, but I still want to be with you
Time should change everything.
You have places I would like to explore but never will.
And you are so deep, sometimes you appear shallow.
When your back is against the wall
And the walls come crashing down on you
I will pick up the pieces.
Call on me for anything.
Just call
I will be waiting for you,
But how long will be too long?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Butterfinger BB's

Everything is black and white
Until I talk to you.
You bring so much color,
Without even trying
You have a spirit about you that I could keep forever
I wish that I were with you
So I could treat you right
And give you everything you need.
I could show you so many things,
And you could help me in so many ways.
I look forward to talking with you
Even if we don't have huge conversations
I am still here for you.
I want to get to know you better
For you are one of the sweetest people I know.
One day we hopefully will have our day.
Until then I will just talk to you as a friend,
And think of you as a friend
Thank you for being you.
You have nothing to hide and nothing to prove
If everyone was as thoughtful as you,
The world would be a better place.
If anything I could do for you,
It would be to make you happy - And make you smile or laugh.
Make your day a little bit brighter
Or just make your life seem a little bit easier.
If I have hope, everyone does.
Thank you
Without you, where would I be?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Not the same idea

You are a great friend
Thank you for being there to talk to.
I have complained to you thousands of times over,
And sometimes I would stop you,
But you wouldn't stop me.
You bug me as much as a little sister,
And sometimes are as bratty as one
If I had a sister I would want her to be like you.
I have made some mistakes with you.
Actions that I took were for you, not me.
I gave you a night, with only me.
You took it for more than it was
Wanting me since we have known each other
I felt it was only right to let you have me a night.
I wanted you to finally be happy, for once in your life.
You can call it heartless or just stupid, it probably was.
Out of pity, sorrow, or maybe I was just depressed.
I am sorry.
And from the bottom of my heart,
I know it will hurt you, and being a guy - we do those things.
We make stupid decisions - but you girls have your share of them.
We will not be seeing each other for a long time now.
But I wanted to let you know that we can be friends,
For now, or - until the end of time.
I wanted to clear this up with you,
But let you know you will always be in my memory and thoughts
If it is blazer gear, or just a phrase that catches my attention
I know I won't forget you.
Kept in quiet, for a few weeks - everything is out.
You know who you are - and your friends do too.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Monday, July 25, 2005

Against the waves

I can see it
Who knows what it is
I have reached for it and missed
I don't know where I am.
But I can see through you
Smelling the crisp air, the magic of life enters me
Leaving me numb
And I am not talking - all is silent
Walking along - crushing dead grass.
I am quite the conversation piece aren't I?
Give me the past - so I can hold the future and mold it
Don't you see the fog is covering me?
The sun is rising up and I can see it glow
The water is as clear as glass,
And it makes me wonder if its even there
I jump in - now freezing.
Trying to swim back to shore but only brought further out
Am I supposed to go with the waves?
Panic overtakes me
Taking strokes back I push and try harder to fight against them,
But it is impractical
They overcome me and I'm trapped - breathless.
Spotting my little boat, I swim with the winds towards it.
Am I alone?
You are near me, surrounding me.
I can hear your voice - and your promise.
Take me now - and I can be with you forever.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Fogged eyes

"Ma, Kathy's on the phone..."
"My Kathy?"
My heart sank at the sound of the words.
She remembered me.
Loosing her mind
Loosing her memory
But still remembering one's important to her.
Calling to hear you talk
Calling to hear you.
I love you
I hate everyday that will be without you
Stay with me
Talk to me
"Are you coming over?"
"Sure thing mom - ill be right over"
Tears fill my eyes
She can't remember were thousands of miles away.
Please don't give up
Stay strong.
-- She mumbles.
Now holding back crying
Let her know that I must go
She tells me she loves me
And I let loose, tears streaming.
As I try to cope without you -
You shall always live on in our hearts --
And all the times - the memories - we have shared might fade...
But now you're happy
Reunited with dad,
And rejoicing with the Lord.
God bless you - rest in peace
We all love you

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002
Dedicated to Rose Blais (my grandmother)

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Righteous anger

Death isn't supposed to be remembed this way
Why do you make things turn out like this?
We were supposed to be family Bobby!
What the heck are you thinking???
She's my mother's mom too -
Adopted or not - she has a right to be there
Who are you to think she loved you more?
Who are you to even think that?
Get it over with quick... right?
Less than 48 hours...
That's speed.
So you tell us at 2 the day after
Plans made - set in stone.
You couldn't even call up and tell us yourself
Coward.
You two faced hypocrite.
And expect us to be there 20 hours later?
What's wrong with you?
You're sick
I want to call you and chew you a new hole
What's wrong with you?
Go shove something up your - wait
You might get some joy out of it.
Call him - yell
Answering machine again.
I swear - for your sake
I hope I never see you again.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Friday, July 22, 2005

This Little Child

He had big eyes and great hopes
Wishing only the best to the world
Even his bleak way of living didn't dim his light
As his mother was an alcoholic - and father too
They were often in yelling matches towards each other
But not him - he would stay locked in his room
His own place where nobody could touch him.
He went through life thinking he was a failure
Finally making a stand at the last moment
For something he believed in
He was stabbed in the heart
Piercing every thing he had to live for,
His parents wept, and everyone was in great awe
On how much this little child
Meant to everyone

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Shockwaves

These are the shockwaves from the world
Coming down from all corners of the falls
Only to hear cries
These are the sounds of the damned
And they are our future
Shockwaves
Have impact on my life
But can cross over me like a bridge
Shockwaves
The waves in the pond,
Effecting everyone in a domino effect
Yet no two people are affected the same way
Why is this so?
These shockwaves
Like the lines in an old mans happy face
The fragile bones -
His raspy voice is but a
Whisper...

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Watch your step

Step lightly for the weather is warm - but the frost is fresh
Step lightly for everything you know,
Is surreal
Massive blocks of ice crumble around you
As your confidence in the world deteriorates
Everything you once held true to you - is false
You once were dancing on water
But now you're engraving every step into the ice
With a trail of heat
The sky is red, and the ice is cracked
And every place you touch - seems to fall apart
This is reality.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

eXtreem

Sweat of passion drips down my face
These are eXtreem days
With everything that comes from this
You can't help but feeling like screaming
These are eXtreem times.
Times of trial and tribulation come upon us
And hardships are what everyone has
My palms are cold - but forehead hot.
I am the captain of my soul
And therefore I cannot control my voyage through life.
Talk to me through the symphonies of life.
Come downstairs with me,
Drink pools of coffee with me
Sit by the fire -
Lets talk life, lets talk love.
I'll be sure to never forget you
Sit by the fire and look into my eyes,
Life may take me thousands of miles away,
But I'll always be here with you.
The x on your chest, that's
The spot im closest too
Come with me on my voyage of life wherever it may take me
Don't let go -
Everybody needs to know how much they're loved.
I promise ill let you know.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Monday, July 18, 2005

Improve

You salvage and slave trying to make this thing of beauty
Everything is done with intent to make it better
You shake the tree and watch the ambitious workers fall
Shake a branch and take some leaves
This sea of glass... breakable is the moment it crumbles.
For you cannot comprehend breaking new boundaries.
But I am drunk with power
Take a sip with me and let me go on my way
I speak to the dead in a silence of shame
For I know not what I did wrong.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Car driving through a wall

My life flashed before these eyes
Everything being blurred - my birth and death
My friends are crying - but I can't comfort them
My seatbelt failed and my face crumbled upon the airbag
I feel cold and damp, but I am gliding through the air
I can see everyone; look I'm right here.. Talk to me.
I smashed through a brick wall with a car
Thinking only about what death would be like
Being so selfish to not think about how it would put a strain on others
Not emotionally but financially.
Killing myself instantly i've done it the best way.
I have went thru the motions
I have sized up belts, but they kept me alive
I had tried cutting myself - but couldn't bring myself to do it
The only logical solution was to use my access.
The car.
I had it all planned out, everything goes fine
I say my final goodbyes and nobody knows the difference.
Why should they care now?
Because they're supposed to
Not because they want too,
Not because they care.
Point blank - that's the answer.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Addition

Pour my soul into your hands
See the fairy dust run off into the clouds
Sparkling water - and some dirty water
Take me and purify me
Make me yours
For I am not worthy
You hold the water with great concentration
Making sure not to spill a drop
Now add in something of your own
And put me in to the stream of life

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

--- © Poetry Section from year 2001 ---

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

My Relief

I start to write about pain, about my life -
And my frustrations
But I get my relief by writing
It seems that when I write, my emotions pour out through my fingertips
Being written in blood on the paper I write.
Doing so helps me, it lets me have my own journal that everyone can read and see.
Why should I care if they judge me by it?
I would rather have them judge me by something I wrote -
Than what someone else wrote.
Sometimes so much emotion pours out of me onto the paper
I am tired.
While I feel like I've become black and white
I read the paper and how colorful it now seems to be
I write for my own piece of mind - so that everything will be fine.
Some people can relate to me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Monday, June 13, 2005

Life

Life has many challenges
Some are big, and some are small
My mind races and paces
Thinking about people I call friends
People I can trust my life with
But not my darkest secret
I try to talk to them, comfort them
Be a friend to them
But I am caught in my own life's challenges
I am prone to pluck the heart before it bleeds
I realize what I am doing
It is best for others, or at least that's what I tell myself
They talk to me like they can't inquire any further - deeper
So here I am.
Behind a screen, talking to people who do care
Why cant life end?
I admit that I wouldn't want to be on earth when time stops
But the thought of waking up, and being alone...
With millions of others who I don't know - in panic.
Amuses me and my brain
Life is a challenge in itself
Tackle it while you have it in your grasps

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Every tear

Every tear shreds my soul more.
One of the good parts of having a soul.
When a tear lands on me it feels wet
Tingly to my skin because my skin is a virgin to tears
How can you cry over something like that?
Did it really effect you that deeply?
I don't cry.
I let tears stream down my face,
But I don't cry.
How can you stand there and look at me
Telling me what to do
Am I acting the way you want me to?
Am I normal like you now?
I can try to be everything for you
But no matter how hard I try,
It's just never good enough for you is it?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Five minutes

I love the sound of rain.
I went outside and just watched the rainfall.
I was soaked, but I was also caught in the moment of things.
When it rains, in the summer, all the trees, the ground and bushes are all clean.
Clean from anything that has happened.
The smell of rain is wonderful, especially when it's nice and cool outside.
But you must love those oh-so-rare summer rains,
When its almost hot outside, and it rains for five minutes.
After it stops raining you feel the ground and how cool it is to your touch.
Look up on the horizon and see fog coming up towards you.
You run towards it like you would if you were five years old.
Now standing on top of a hill surrounded by this fog you begin to hear things.
You hear distant cheers of friends playing down towards the house.
They call for you - but no, you like it just where you are.
No trees on this hill, just short cut grass, bits of it dead.
You can see a full 360 degrees and how just beyond the hill how many trees there are.
The sun is right on you, but not that far away from you your friends are in the shade.
Tall pines and bushes engulf them in shade and everything lying near them.
You spot a dirt path not too far from the house
Take a walk down this old path, and see what it has to offer.
Blueberries - just right for the picking
Taste one and have your mouth trip for a moment over how juicy and delicious they are.
Take some for your trip back to the house.
Enter in and get comfortable, listen to your grandma talk to your parents,
Look around at the house and just wonder at all these walls have seen and heard.
When you see the sun beginning to set, you get set to go outside.
Perfect weather, and your even dry now to enjoy it!
Go outside and leave the wonderful at home aroma of your grandma's house.
Looking around you can tell the day is soon to end.
Flowers are closing up and everything is even quieter than before.
A drop of water sticks out to you as you observe things around you.
The drop was a crystal - and yet for a moment it was suspended in time.
The coolness of the night air was near
And still you could see some effects of the five-minute rain.
Walk uphill until you can see the house, and the now small hill.
Civilization, every hour or so a car would pass by,
The road was a nice shaded road, curved enough to give it some character.
Trees were everywhere, to give you a thought about how many trees there were
Just take a pencil and stick it through your hair, your pencil of course would be the road.
And the hair would resemble all the trees this road was curved going uphill
Of course you were near the top.
Silence is in everything, the trees and even the road.
Walk around near the road; you see a puddle of water from a hole in the road.
You know what that means!
Walk over to it and kick it, watching it trickle down the hill.
Almost time to go in but, but why? Can't we just stay here?
It was almost dark out, and still just as wonderful.
You see a light turn on in the house, thinking to yourself
How nice it would be to have some company right now
So you walk, jog and then not by choice run down the hill.
But you notice how fun it is and just go along with it.
Time to go inside, so say goodbye.
Fireflies flicker as the night sets in.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Friday, June 10, 2005

To give it thought

I want you to imagine that you are around in the old days.
The time of Jesus, yes. You are Jesus.
So you like it?
Think of how it would feel carrying a heavy cross on your back,
Fun stuff right?
Now think of the thorny hat that they put on you
With thorns piercing your skin.. you taste your own blood.
You cant forget walking towards the place you will be put up at.
Think of what it would feel like to have your feet put over one another
And then nailed to a wooden cross
The very same one you once held on your back.
You still have a little step to stand on when you are brought upright
Just enough to keep you living but enough to live through the pain
Tie your hands up this will hurt.
Have nails be stuck through not your hands but wrists.
Wait were not done!
Pull up the cross and let it stand
Feel the weight of gravity pulling you down
And the nails piercing your hands and feet
Now let the people mock you
Get ready, you are about to watch the same thing happen
To two of your best friends

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Thursday, June 09, 2005

No feeling


I have lost the feeling I had before
I have no desire to do the things I did before
I am not the same person as I was before
I use to think that it was okay to be like me
Is it okay to be like this?
I don't have a desire to do anything anymore
I wake up as a routine and then I go online.
I have more friends online than I do in person
The score is 3 to 30... so you see why I'm online so much?
What would you do?
I can't turn back the hands of time
I must push on.
Now I just see people and want to be like them.
Is that so bad?
Why is this the way I am?
So I sit behind a keyboard and a screen and type messages to people I've probably never met.
And you judge me like a book and it's cover.
Is it really that bad?


Poem by J.A.D. © 2001