No feeling

I have lost the feeling I had before
I have no desire to do the things I did before
I am not the same person as I was before
I use to think that it was okay to be like me
Is it okay to be like this?
I don't have a desire to do anything anymore
I wake up as a routine and then I go online.
I have more friends online than I do in person
The score is 3 to 30... so you see why I'm online so much?
What would you do?
I can't turn back the hands of time
I must push on.
Now I just see people and want to be like them.
Is that so bad?
Why is this the way I am?
So I sit behind a keyboard and a screen and type messages to people I've probably never met.
And you judge me like a book and it's cover.
Is it really that bad?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Death

I am told not to fear death
Should I look forward to it?
No - I should be prepared for it.
The funny thing about death is we all will die,
But nobody knows when, how or where.
Are you afraid of death?
Or do you just avoid death as much as you can?
Eternity think about the meaning of that word.
If in fact, there is life after death,
Nobody has came back and told anyone about it,
Every person knows its coming.
But, when, where how?
Don't live your life in fear,
But on the flip side - don't live your life like an idiot.
Life is to short and precious to waste

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

You don't know

You don't know how much I feel for you
I could tell you with words, but they wouldn't do my feelings justice
When I talk to you - I want to hold you.
When I look into your eyes, I want to stay in that moment forever
What would happen if I did tell you what I feel?
You wouldn't believe me, you never have.
Do you know any bit of what I'm feeling?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Where would you choose?

Where do I want to be? - where would I choose to be?
This could be a very broad question, or answer.
You can think of it night and day and come up with many answers.
If I had to choose a couple places to tell you about which ones would I choose?
I think I would choose places that I can think, and reflect.
Some places that I love going to, are the ocean.
I know, it's probably predictable, but I don't care.
I can go to the ocean and daydream.
I can go and think of what it would be like to live so close to a seemingly endless body of water.
Or how I would go out every morning and look out across the ocean - or would I?
I would be sure to enjoy myself at night.
I would start up a fire, and sit back in a char and relax.
I would be pleased rather easily, and would probably only need a cup of coffee to hold me over.
Then the fog would set in and I would have to get up and walk home.
You can walk the coast for miles, and just hear the crashing of the waves.
The sound is like the loudest surround sound stereo system you will never have, made by nature.
You don't have to go barefoot, if you want you can wear shoes - it doesn't matter,
Either way you will temporally leave your marks in the sand.
So this makes me like everyone else, wanting to live on the coast right?
Maybe it does, I don't know.
Paint a picture in your mind of a place where the trees are abundant.
Now put some moss on those trees, during the daylight only let certain amounts of light in.
Don't forget to add the ferns on the ground, and the cool temperatures.
This would be my place.
At night you wouldn't be able to see your own hand in front of your face.
You would ride a bike around and feel the cool breeze against your cheeks, during the summer.
When winter came it would be just cold enough for it to snow, but not to stick.
Do you think it is good to dream?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

My dream

How can you be sad and happy all in the same moment?
It started off as a regular plane flight, You should know that I have no fear of flying.
We were taking off from an east coast city. Somewhere like Boston or NYC.
We started to take off, after taxing with the air controller.
My whole family whole family was on this flight.
Oddly enough so were some of my classmates.
Everyone on the plane is calm as we being to prepare to take off.
Everything is going "normal".
This was one of the hardest airports to take off from,
We started to move, and I could feel the plane jerk ahead,
We rolled on gaining momentum.
About the time we were going to take off I noticed that we didn't have a lot of speed.
Somehow I figured that something would go wrong.
Picture yourself having a bad dream and knowing something bad is going to happen,
But still you can't do anything about it you're helpless,
Ask yourself even if you could do something who would believe you?
I was for the most part - holding my breath hoping everything would be fine.
It was smooth sailing as we prepare to lift but it's just that feeling that wouldn't go away.
We got the nose of the aircraft up and after a few seconds the tail came up.
I could see almost everything moving in slow motion.
I was scared for my life, and wanted out of the aircraft.
I have never felt like this before.
It would be the perfect time to die.
I have just gotten back from doing something I really enjoyed,
And we were leaving on the airplane just as the sun was setting.
Picture yourself in an aircraft.
Do you know the feeling where your stomach feels like it can come up?
But then the plane drops down suddenly and it all normal?
I had that feeling the whole time, and it wouldn't leave.
We were barely in the air, and then began loosing altitude.
There was water up a head, if we were lucky we would hit it.
If not then we would end up slamming into a concrete wall.
The freeway was also up head, right before the water.
The pilot did everything in his power to keep us up.
We dodged the cement highway overpass we ducked under it.
Now everybody knew that this plane was out of control and nobody could stop it.
It was like every single person in the plane knew just as much as I did.
We were going to crash.
It was dead silent, all you could hear were the airplane's engines giving up,
Everyone was looking out the window, and the plane began to sway,
The bulk of the passengers on this flight, were in the front - so the pilot tried to turn the plane away from the now increasingly bigger wall.
Although I was in the plane at the time
I could imagine what it looked like crashing into the wall.
I could see it play back over and over in my head.
The plane was almost turned 300 degrees from where it was before,
The pilot turned it cleverly when the plane stalled a few seconds,
Just enough time for the pilot to get the position he wanted with the plane.
That way the bulk of the hit would be towards the back saving most of the passengers.
In theory it would have worked.
Not everybody died a lot of people I knew did.
Once the plane hit I blacked out,
I can only remember going thought the airport lobby, where all the other survivors were.
There I saw a great friend of mine not shaken not stirred.
I was so surprised to see my old best friend and I went over to talk.
I don't know why but the actions of my friend were very amusing
He saw me, and didn't acknowledge me.
Instead was talking to all of his friends like nothing was wrong.
I went up to him and asked if he was on this flight?
And if he knew that a plane had crashed and in fact that it was mine.
He replied calmly and very coldly that he was also on the flight.
And had known what had happened.
Astonished I asked if he was ok,
I wondered why he was even flying - have it by chance have it on the same flight as me.
I never got an answer.
He just ignored me and kept talking to his friends.
Looking back at that day,
I realize that the reason I was happy and sad was because
I still had my life and was living - I also knew how close to death I really was.
Sad because I lost my family and everything else I took for granted.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Yes it's another insight into my mind.

The thing that would probably touch you or change you the most
Is if you had someway of looking at your everyday life.
Most people think about their lives daily.
It's not the same.
In time - your views will probably change along with you.
If you think about things people do, it is kind of the same.
They take what they may think is a great thing and store it away.
After months, sometimes years - they comeback and see how they did.
Some people are truly happy with what they had before,
But others try to improve on what they had before - and try to make it better.
If you said something today out of emotion - or action,
And came back two months from now,
Do you think you would feel good with what you've said?
Or if you could come back a few years from now and see how you acted?
Everyone acts the way they will act.
I am not saying the way anyone acts is wrong.
It can be someone who is sweet or is mean (to put it nicely)
If you had some way of grasping the way you thought about things,
A few years ago, and the way you acted,
And how it effected people and the impact it had on people,
Do you think that you would have done everything exactly the same?
If you can actually do that,
Without having to look at a journal or anything at all, then that's great.
Or if you can talk with your friends and find out how you acted,
Keep in mind not all friends would tell you how you really acted.
Some friends are just pleasers & others are true friends.
If you find a friend who may have known you,
And can possibly act as a neutral then maybe you can start to see
The mistakes you have made.
It is only then at that time, where you can begin to change.
If you choose too.
Most people have enough impact on at least one person
That if that one person was thinking of committing suicide,
They would be the reason not too.
Suicide is just an example of course,
But unless you know someone really good
You probably won't ever figure out how much you mean to that person.
Many times people proceed in life, not knowing
Exactly how much they mean to someone.
That's just fine by me - not as many ego's.
And if that isn't enough, then how much of an impact of what they say and do can change someone's life.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

The Dark Hallway

You begin.
You start down this hallway,
Empty, black
You notice the feel of the hallway.
Damp, cool, and misty.
As you look around in a 360-degree move, you see nothing,
But darkness, nothing but black
It is covering yourself, for now you cannot see your hand.
So you decided the best move is to not stay still, but to keep moving,
You walk down this hallway, and as you're walking a light begins to appear.
You think to yourself have I died and gone to heaven?
How would I know? I've never been there.
You feel a sense of urgency, and not knowing why - continue on.
Then you try to walk- but it seems like your getting nowhere,
There is nothing there.
You fall, for what seems an endless time but is really only seconds.
Then you hit -
You get yourself up and look at the red cement,
How very real the blood tastes,
How much the cuts hurt.
Are you dreaming?
You would pinch yourself, but your too numb.
Wanting to know where you are, you go on.
You walk by old houses and streets that seem familiar to you,
Where are you?
As you try to remember, you notice that you're back in your hometown!
Where you grew up!
You think of your friend from what seems like just yesterday,
So you go up to the house, that's now old and shaggy and ask to speak to him,
"He died, - 5 years ago."
"But how, when?"
As the pain filled his family's eyes they closed the door.
So you start to worry now,
If it's a joke, then it's for a sick personality.
Starting to feel helpless, you think- why me?
You know you can't stop here, so you walk on,
Cars pass you with plates you have never seen before.
One of them stops and offers you a ride.
You said ok and got in the car.
They take you near the ocean, after riding for hours.
A secluded little place, nice and cozy.
After you got in the car, you notice these are your best friends!
They said you could stay at their place they had, until this dilemma was over.
You would have woken up the next morning,
But you died
You were out doing your job,
When someone pulled up to the side of your car that you were driving,
And told you to get out.
After taking a shot in the head your car was stolen.
He almost killed you - but you were rushed to the hospital,
You actually had a really good chance of survival,
But you slipped into a coma and never woke up.
What does this mean to you?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

June 1st 2001

I saw you just 4 days ago,
I got news today about you.
Why did you do it?
I will never see you again in my lifetime.
So you took a boulder and put it in a bag,
Then strapped the bag onto your self.
And you walked around for a few hours,
On the top of a ledge where people saw you,
After a few hours, you think you have decided what's best.
You jump,
So as you fell towards the earth what were your final thoughts?
Or was it then decided not to do it, and realized it was a mistake after all?
That would explain the struggle to survive in the water
And your frantic cry's for help.
They tried to save you - really.
And they would of have no problem,
If you didn't have the boulder tightly fastened to your body.
Your parents cried, and your close friends wept too,
You meant more than you will ever know to the people you knew.
We probably should have all seen it coming,
You giving your things back to your friends,
The one-way ticket that you said was just to get out of town.
So your life ended where you thought for a moment you wanted it to.
Lake Erie.
You have effected so many,
The worst part of it all, is your own brother, is not even shaken up,
And just thinks it will be weird not seeing you in your room.
You will be in our memories.
Rest in Peace

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001
Dedicated to Morgan

1:46 am

To you I write because you are taking over my mind,
I am not myself, without you.
I cannot stop you from being in my thoughts,
I sit and I ask myself,
Should I call her?
Does she hate me?
I know that we have done wrong,
And that we should have both by now moved on,
But my love for you had not.
All I'm asking for now,
Is not for a second chance,
But for your heartfelt forgiveness
Can you find it in your heart,
To talk to me again?
To look at me again?
Give me another chance to prove myself
After all was said and done, I hated you.
Me and you breaking up, tore my soul out
It brought me from wherever I was, to an all time low.
I need you now, but I cannot find you
Where are you?
You know my number, why don't you use it?
Did I hurt you that much?
I'm sorry.
Just sit down and talk to me - face to face
Tell me how you feel
The last thing I want now is for you to have hard feelings towards me.
Please talk to me,
I still care I'm still here for you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

This is Me

I cannot control it
My cry is lost in the night
Each hour, each second brings me closer to death
Depression and a hatred filled with anger overcomes me
Tears of anger flow down my face
The once salty taste of a tear is now blood
I am bleeding on the inside and not the outside
My mind races for answers
Why? these friends, these people that surround me sometimes simply fade out
They fade out of my life and out of my trust
Exciting yet depressing moments arise,
When you meet a potential...
A potential friend.
Exciting is the fact that you have finally met someone new,
Depressing is realizing that your dreaming.
But the taste of blood lingers
Is it the lack of love that once filled you?
The way you USE to think of people?
Or is it just reality hitting you
It is reality because I am awake
The cause for bleeding on the inside would be...
My Emotions
As they run deep through my veins,
They also consume me as a person
This is me,.... or is it you?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

--- © Poetry Section from year 2000 and Before ---

No Control

I'm like a free falling plane,
Soon to crash
Nobody will see me
I will be gone - in the blink of an eye.
People come with Impact
I come with nothing
People leave with friends,
I leave with enemies,
I have no control - over this thing,
This object I crave
My life is out of my own hands
And into the hands of others
Although I fear death, I know it well
Dreams of it scare me
Alas it is no better, because life annoys me
Everything around me, I know with uncertainty
My head is like a time bomb.
Sooner or later I'm bound to explode.
I'll fly off the handle like I have before
People watch and stare as I realize my self,
My actions towards others
After I'm dead people will look at my life and see
That no part of it has or ever been salvageable
I have doomed myself in my own life
Because I have no Control.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2000

It's just a thing

It's just a thing,
Just a thing on T.V. or in a movie,
You see the perfect life,
Staring you in your eyes, looking deep into you.
You pass it by but it still somehow lingers in your mind.
How can it happen?
Why does it happen?
I stare and sometimes daze off,
Wondering what a perfect life would be like,
Would I be rich? Popular? or not -
What would I have to do,
In order to feel the love that you see in the movies,
Where someone would give up eternity for that person.
I long for this, as I do not have it.
It is a security, but something that can make or break you.
Why do I want this so much?
I am moved with these movies.
Where the love is so deep,
And yet still things go wrong and people get hurt,
But still, I want it. - why?
Is this thing, this passion I see actually true?
Or am I oblivious to reality?
I want to have someone to hold
Someone to care for and to love.
Someone to care for Me,
and to love Me for who I am.
Will I ever find this person?
This thing I crave?
I look for it everywhere and anywhere possible.
Am I looking too hard?
So I push forward and hope to find something nice,
If I don't then I need to remember, it's not everything,
It's not anything,
It's just a thing.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2000

My own

My own personal Hell,
One which I can make worse,
I dwell on things,
think of things past,
and think of a lonely future.
Is this my own hell?
I feel no love,
More hate from all,
I feel no control on anything.
Who can stop this?
Go to bed just to think of what another retched day brings.
Can someone stop this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do others annoy me so easily?
Why do I want things I cannot have?
This is my life,
This is my story.
It is like a hole burning in my flesh.
It annoys me
It hurts me,
It is me.
Who can I turn too?
My self?
I have no clue what things are real in my life,
What things will last?
What people will last,
Where do I stand?
Who cares ? - nobody
I'm in my own personal Hell

Poem by J.A.D. © 2000

Dating

I sit and think of you, often until I fall asleep.
I crave you - your body,
What's a guy to do when he's in love with you?
Your kiss, your touch,
I fall in love with you all over again, every time I see you.
I never want to loose you,
The fear of losing you is very real and it scares me,
For the fact of the matter is,
If every guy knew you as well as I do,
You would be the most popular sought out girl.
Never let this change,
Never let us change.
I have never poured my heart my life, my soul, out as much as now.
It's because I have complete trust in you.
You are my girlfriend and you are my best friend.
I love hearing you,
Just talking.
It drives me crazy, when I can't be with you.
You drive me crazy,
I could not picture my life, without you.
You mean so much to me
That I'm sure I would crumble, if I ever lost you.
I get sad just thinking of my life without you and your love.
Let's not find out how things would turn out.
You will always have a place in my heart.
I love you.
- Jason

Poem by J.A.D. © 2000

Notice poem

I know a universal studios Hollywood
Screaming people, horns honking,
Trying to find a space
The back to the future the ride thrilling many
As they chant for more
I know a universal studios Hollywood
Popcorn being eaten
Water hitting the ground making humidity,
Gasoline in the Backdraft event.
I know a universal studios
“please sit down until the ride is over”
“that will be two dollars and fifty cents”
“thank you and have a nice day”
I know Universal studios (Hollywood)

Poem by J.A.D. © 1998

The Rockie ride

What’s that?
Oh just humans
Why are they picking me up?
Here I go
Its dark in here, and a very bumpy ride
Hey we stopped, why are you picking me up?
Where am I, what are you eating…
Oh gorp it looks good and smells good too
Back to the cabin
At least we got away from those smelly mushrooms
Hey where are you putting me
Zippp!
Why am I in a cool soapy smelling place?
Whew!
A new day me all rested and ready to go
This trip is full of adventures
At least I can see out of a pocket he has
Look.. Bacon… I get all the crumbs I need.
That was good, where are we going next?
...One day later...
Back to a suit case,
I think my adventure is over.

Poem by J.A.D. © 1997
Special Guest : Rockie

Who am I?

I am a brother
I am athletic
I am a friend
I am a singer
I am a violinist
I am a super Nintendo player
I am a TV. watcher
I am a animal lover
I am a student
I am a change agent
I a son
I am a story teller
I am a listener
I am a classical freak
I am a person
I am a video game player
I am a basketball card collector
I am a bicycler
I am funny
I am a nature lover
I am a jersey collector
I am a partner
I am talker
But most of all I am myself.

Poem by J.A.D. © 1992

Nature

As the misty morning fog sets in,
I have the sensation of another day starting
With nature still asleep I walk outside
I can almost smell the newness of another day
I see hints of light behind a mountain
Signaling another day to come in
Looking around... I see a deer
Drinking so gracefully out of a near by stream
This is a morning to remember

Poem by J.A.D. © 1995

Rain drops

Sparkling raindrops
Like diamonds coming down
Can you hear them patter?

Poem by J.A.D. © 1990