Red eyes, sleepless days.

Its Technicolor in a black and white world.
Its putting time into a freezer,
To watch the seconds creep slower to nothing.
You can now sit back into the endless time
The warm misty infection sets upon your shoulders
Settling into your soul
And it warms you like a warm drop of honey
Leaving you radiating warmth in cool weather.
I see the sun broadcast happiness through your eyes
And it astounds me.
Is there any fabrication to my life?
Can I have passion that flows through you
Or am I stuck aimlessly walking the beaches?
The vagueness kills me, choking my thoughts in a cloud
I am perplexed with the depression bursting through my skin
I am restless,
So paint me red.
So you can say that you have read through my games.
The endless wonder of a simple mind.
Who will heal the pains inside of me?
I am behind in the pursuit of the world
I am sleepless
Do you know someone who feels the pain inside me?
Deprived of my nature
Broken in pieces on the cement ground.
So gather around the architect
And when the world fails to piece me back,
With a stick and some glue
We turn to the Lord who says
Come onto me,
And I will give you rest.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Inside the Smile

A touch in the dark
A kiss in the night
This girl who seeks my face
Standing at my crossroads
Looking for me.
Nowhere to be found,
For I am looking at my surroundings
Just an emotional wreck about to crack
And the sun heals me like gasoline
I am tired and need shelter from these thoughts.
Hush little baby don't you cry
Daddies going to sing to you,
And before you drift off
The lord is going to answer my prayers.
I am plodding through my challenges
I am yours
To make to mold and to create.
Please don't let these places
These people, these things
Effect me, and become reality.
Dreams and goals seem so distant,
With the slithering of a snake.
My eye lids are peeled open from shame
As I pick up my cross,
The splinters stick into my hand.
Hear my prayers, and come to answer them.
This empty space between me and heaven
I am an empty cup
Fill me up - with the visions of you
Without them.. I am good as dead.
I want to shout from mountains,
Above sky scrapers, and near planes
My love and passion for you.
I had a dream about being a freak of god.
It never astounded me,
The way they acted, talked and spoke.
We looked at the stars the same way you do.
And watched the snow fall inside the house of love.
Rain or shine, I will be standing in that roofless altar
On my knees before everyone else,
And only being seen through the eyes of you
Where people cry outside for the savior of life,
I smile for my palms grasp reality.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Dear Stephanie

Flesh and blood
The water sits in stagnant silence
And toils with my flesh
It irritates me
I am left with the scratching sensation
Bleeding my tears
He didn't die for nothing
Tearing you apart..
From the inside out
Sitting at home at night
With tears running down your cheek
A warm condolence,
To a cold dark apartment
Am I dying inside for nothing?
A romantic moonlit night
With one person still by the shores
The shores of my fears
And the beach of my past.
My arms are showing age
And the empty arcs in them are spoken for
But the tears still flow
And from the hard rain that impairs my judgment
It leaves the water deposits on the island
Leaving my world in a flood
For you are my ship,
And like these waves that drown me
The water pours on my soul
The Dark sky discourages me,
And the thunder threatens me
And without you I sink
Loosing my footing, and falling into blackness
So tell me why you lay so silent
On this hospital bed
And tell what's going on.
I cry in your dust at the house
Fearing that I am permanently
Physically abused by the memories
Of me and you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Broke Down on Earth

The angel with broken wings,
Fell back to earth
So put a tattoo on its hurt pride
And dust off it's worldly shock.
Its eyes are so lonely,
So talk to it, and be with the angel.
Hitting the ground, becoming one with the people
Pick up the feathers from the wings,
And mend to them.
The angel falls to earth, and you wash its feet.
Care for it's every need, and show it love.
Feeling the vibrations of heaven rub off
You are sent to a different dimension for moments at a time.
Talk about the sights above the city, and above you.
From the peaks in Africa, to the farms in India.
The angel talks with emotion from a higher source,
Used as a microphone, of how wondrous the earth is.
The filth of the 21st century is destroying it,
And themselves in the actions - you are a part of the crowd.
Deconstruct your lifestyle,
And stop waking up doing the same things,
Thinking of the same people.
The angel was with you, and in your heart.
It beat for the love you sought in it's eyes.
And the fulfilness you wanted,
That you saw glomming - resting in him.
Go back into your room, and close the door
And cry for it to all stop
The torture, and the drama - and the events.
Wake up the next day, and determine your existence.
The foreign music plays, and the world spues more waste.
Illusions of what life should be, bounce in your head.
Life, death resurrect - he knew his existence had a point.
Living in this day in age, our cry's get drowned in the crowd,
Thinking of death - and a way to stop the pain,
We look for a cure of this mess we call our lives.
Help the angel on it's feet, and give her sandals to walk on.
And as you speak towards the sky,
Sometimes you wonder if you are speaking to yourself
And you are reassured by the changing events in your life.
Finding the meaning of life, can be played as a game.
Girls look in the mirror and cry over what they see,
And guys look past the mirror, into a false smile.
Who are we to call, when the game we are playing
Starts to play us?
Is it real - this feeling I feel?
This world hands us sorrow and grief,
Keep your mind in a higher place -
Do whatever you can do to survive.
If you are a broken wheel,
I will catch you when you fall,
And keep your face away from the fire.
As you are feeling that you do not belong on the face of the earth,
Know that I will be here for you.
Having no meaning, and no purpose
Let your two minds drift worlds apart.
As the thoughts surround you and take you in
You can start to reconstruct your world.
And let the angel fly back into the sky.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

It's Personal Consumption

The words fall,
Blindly upon me.
The red letters glare at me,
Daring me to be something that I'm not.
You have a right to believe,
Believe whatever the latest consensus says you should.
Don't be radical about anything,
And when you are ready to take a stand and show a hand
You will feel the sting of a raw arrow
With the poison on it -
Contaminating your faith.
Stay with your steady pace.
Let others know how you dress, not how you should.
What are your views?
Not the views you read about, or talk about
And if you dare to step over the line
You will simply be shot down
By the sniper of the world.
You will then fall back into your hole of self contamination
Into the cage
The cage of the gifted,
The cage of the retarded.
Where you can be looked at like an animal
And stared at like a beast
The cage for you.
Lash out at everyone like the wild animal they perceive you as
Or be passive and have a self realization meeting with yourself.
Is it then you will get back up and try again?
It's cold outside
So close the door to hatred,
Close the door to these thoughts,
Leaking through the screen
Like my bonded forgetful past.
You can sit and form groups,
And be afraid of little boys running around yelling jihad.
Even in hard rain the fire continues to do its damage,
Horrific images of the flag burning on foreign soils.
Lord lift me up and take me to a higher place.
When the ending starts to take place
The wheels will be set in motion that lay dormant for years
Where will you be during all of this?
I am on the edge of society,
And about to be pushed off the face of the world
The stench of humanism is on a rise
I choke as I try to think for myself
You are my strength, my light and hope.
I call on you when I crawl
And forget about you when I am leaping bounds.
I call upon myself for a change
For a higher stanmia to take place within me.
I am picking up the phone
That has been ringing in my soul
Not the one that calls upon you
When I am lying in the ER,
Thinking of all my bad
Promising to you, and swearing off on my life
Help me be consumed by you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

The start of JFP

I am soaring on the wings of you,
Looking below me
Trying to leave the world behind
Being caught up in the act of it,
Deeper than tears
And deeper than me.
I am with you.
Grab the spirit,
Watch it flow like the majestic waterfalls
Over shores of sand
Deeper than an ocean
I cannot touch the bottom
Take my breath away
And if I start to sink
I will clear the liquid out of my throat
Because you will be there, to guide me.
I am broke - on my knees
But you fix everything
And make everything right.
Play the songs that relate to me,
And the words that are a brother to me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Complicated

You are acting like someone else.
But this time I am at fault.
Am I not normal to the skin?
Do I look different to the touch?
If I go around preaching the bible,
You promise to me that we won't get along.
Do you want me to promise you,
That I won't be myself,
That I won't have my belief?
This goes beyond belief
I am beside myself.
You take me to the core of the person
Rotted like an apple in a dump.
Should I not want to share my views?
Or just not talk about it.
Who wrote, that I am not that type of person?
I am what I am,
Branded a Jesus Freak, but that's not the point.
What made you say those words you said
Was it the pure fact of your intelligence?
Or pure shallowness of the world that is set about you?
I am outraged by the words that struck me
Feeling shocked
Like I had just been hit on my blind side.
And the anger manifests in me.
Be the person I grew to know you as,
Not someone so subjective

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Religious

He had life after death
He was resurrected.
As you find your place in this world
Cry and let your eyes burn,
Your cut's sting.
Open your inner self to me,
Let your soul be free,
All hands will coordinate to the sound of a breath
But my hands feed into the panic of greatness
And I fail my incredulous climb.
I am stopped from hitting bottom, because of you.
Open up your body,
Let your soul be free.
The thunder of my fears,
Blurred with the chaos of the world,
Sing clearly to the damned.
The red letters stare at people
In a true moment of honesty
They cry out to a deeper, clearer soul
And in the words find profound meaning.
Fingers dripping with water
And wrinkles of a new
I am in heaven.
Walking with God,
Into the odyssey of dreams -
But this is reality, and I am with him
Forever.
The truth is out there.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Artful Purfication

The death is art
And in this hurricane of self pity
We stood by the Altar,
I turned the knob and called your bluff
My ignorance let the fury in the room
And we watched the beast eye us down for the weaker one
Feasting on fear - he grows and hisses
His eyes penetrated my skull and made me feel faint
Infected by the skin I'm in
Purification
I will bleed my youth on the floor
Soaking up what is left of you
Rising up again as an old man.
I don't want to get carried away,
But I am at a loss of words.
With those red eyes peering into my soul
I stumble like a blind man
As I see the truth
And I could hear nothing else
But the grace of God.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Death of Our Age

Running into me
And passing overhead
Like a stolen guitar
But you never stop
And I keep running towards you
Only now you are behind me.
It is the union that makes the soul
I choke on the words
But these words get past beyond my throat
And past my lips
Ringing clearly to the mind.
How can I be me, and you be human?
I face the microphone, feeling the drama
Sweating blood, I step on the stage
I fumble in your pockets for change
And give the man an earth's worth of shouting
Plotting out the death of our age
I hand him the change, and turn my back.
Am I ruining the once majestic waters.
They are yelling at me,
You can't bring something like that to the table
Just to drop it on the floor
They insult me,
My intelligence.
It is a setup for a slaughter,
And you can not kill my spirit
Or my faith.
Stand afar and watch the work done within me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Death Head

Death in the head
Will destroy the soul.
It drains my life out of me
Drawn out, like a IV of blood
Nothing yet has really sunk in
It looks like it always did.
I know I'm diving into my pool of destruction
And I am educated on this subject.
But my knowledge is a bitter wealth.
Like a bottle of rainless champagne
And after I'm gone
I will be plucked out on my own
To a sight in front of the tables of judgment.
Fight your tears
For I have the arc of an angel hanging over me.
And the golden violin is playing overhead.
Rest your mind
And celebrate my life.
I want to see the love again,
Resting in your eyes.
I will be watching over you,
Now and forever.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Free Falling

I was flying above the earth
Away from everything
Above my fears, above the clouds.
Nothing matters up here.
I love flying in the rain
Lightening dares the plane to go near it
In one moment I saw my eyes change
From happiness to panic, from assuming to hoping
Everything flashed before my eyes
The undisputed beat of my heart
And the blood pressure rising
The cells inside me are popping from the heat
It pushes painfully through my veins
And flows easy from the energy of the bolt
My life quickly flashes before my eyes
Standing atop a London statue
Alone
The rain pours down, flooding my hair
Into my eyes
I wipe my eyes, and squint to see
A statue, with pain - bleeding through the eyes
It rains on the streets down below.
I only see the blind leading the deaf.
The fire chars my skin
Smoke fills my lungs and I look to see everyone
Feel the drama engulfing the plane
A girl next to her boyfriend
Children huddled next to their mother
Feel the drama engulfing the plane
An old couple clings on to each other with new youth in panic
The lightening melting the engine,
Making me see things
That shall never be told.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

The Storm

The storm keeps on twisting
And through the wind, and the lightening
An old man turned to me as if to say
Hurry she's waiting for you.
The happiness burns inside like a rainbow.
I want to be exposed,
Like a bad roll of film.
Turn to me and tell me you do too
For you make up all that you left
Even in the line of fire
You are in the arms of an angel
Flawless
But you fear change,
And you fear me.
Life's setup in a domino effect
A flinch and you live in a wreck
Rest your mind and come with me.
Step to my apartment
There's no one home, but
From my lips to God's ear
Girl I did you wrong
And I will do you right,
Forget your fears, and take a chance with me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Head Gear

You just think
Because I take this fate,
And eat this bread and wine
That I can't have hate on my plate?
Well open your eyes country boy,
For these are the lives
Through my fathers eyes.
Do I need to kick you in the head?
Or instead scream at you in the field
We all are flesh and bone
But if you want to see me home
You can watch me ride.
And by looking at my rearview mirror,
I'll be watching you
Don't turn around
As a mater of fact, if you want to react
We can stare each other down
For there's no company like this, and this is my home
In the land of the free,
The freedom is mine.
Do you wish to share 200 years of captivity - with me?
I have a few years free, and yet
Now you want to shout with me?
Get a grip boy,
Sink your teeth into reality.
Wipe the sweat from your lips
And step into the fast lane

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Beaches

The sun is coming up
And I am far away from here
Leaving my house, I travel
I go to the beach
And hear the heavens sing
And watch the ocean thrust up a sun
The wind blowing at my back,
Pushing my hair over my eyes
Bathe in the sweet fragrance of the songs
Put fourth your soul
And feel with your eyes
For not with your hands
Can you experience the ultimate joy
Of life.
Hear Helen sing her beauties domain
And lean back against the sand
Brushed with cool water against my tender feet
I close my eyes, and dream of you
The sand sucks the ground out from under me
Making me open my eyes
To the most beautiful thing you can imagine

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Angels above

I am comforted
In the arms of an angel
Still loving what is now is gone
Like the rain that pours,
And the street it leaves wet
It has dampened my soul, but I am trying
So I can resume my life
The news that truly shocks
Is an empty cover page
While the fire rattles your brain
It confines the bear to its empty cage
The fear of being without you is real
I can't handle this
I grieve for you
You'll live with me forever
I want it - this smell and feeling
Out of my home
Listen, its gone
And I know life carries on
Through the women I meet.
But for now, it's just you, me and the rain
The ashes we cry on and the dust
Life carries on without you
The color I wear
The feeling that tears
The face that I hide in
As life carries on.
Did I dream this belief?
Or did I flow like the stream..

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Out from the dark

You've got a pretty smile
Why do you hide your fears behind it
Let them free
And we will both go find ourselves
In the prime of our youth.
I know there's nowhere you can hide the pain
And the tears you can only hold back
I know the feeling of being alone
And being locked out.
I know that you feel uninvited
But step back inside from the cold wet rain
Step away from the edge of terror
I am listening to you
Your best friend is not your mirror
I am here and I will stay with you forever in this moment
I know there is nowhere you can go to hide your pain anymore
I know what you're feeling
Trust me,
And sink into my arms.
Like an angel falling from the sky
I will catch you
You aren't alone
I am here for you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

The Basic Elements

Inside we are all still burning wet.
Looking amidst the earth
The waterfall of fire
Crashes upon the ceiling of the atmosphere
Breaking the fragile glass
You can smell the kerosene in the air
And the gas ignites in the field of water
Exploding into the earth
Leaving masses wondering where the fish went
Through this world of wet we realize our youth
Leaving the fire that burns inside,
To that of a small flame
The fire perceives us as good not evil
And we see the water as the power.
A wall of great mass that moves towards me
Becoming one with me on contact
Thrusting me upward to the heavens
Flying through the air, feeling warmth
The fire peers jealously down below
When the sun sets, the water goes cold,
But flame still burns
Etching in our memory we call for the fire
The insurmountable strength of the fire eludes us
And we are thankful for the power which we see
Not the power naked to the eye.
Feast your eyes upon the flame that burns in you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Driver

He pulled out the garage
And told me to take it easy
But the drivers getting nervous
And making me wheezy
I can see him sweat in his seat,
He wipes his brow and listens to his heart beat in his ears
But I don't really care as long as I get my service.
So blast the radio loud
So I can forget about you
Roll down the window and blow out the smoke
I don't want to choke
A small truth within a lie
I step out of the car
Into a jungle of rage
They tell me to back up
And shove me against a wall
I am trapped
Turned me around and had me plead my knees
On the side walk face down
People stare at me
With pity in their eyes
And as I fade out from this hole in my spine
My life pours out and the hands of time push against me.
I must cure these pains
Or blow out my brains
It's too late cuz now I'm standing over me
Watching me bleed.
My momma's screaming my name
Shakin my face to keep me alive
I told her to take the keys and drive
My temp. is getting hot
It doesn't help that I got this el.' pulsing through my veins
As I see the killer walk off
I realized was caught on the spot.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Hands in Place

Take a little time - too look at the time that you have just spent.
You think you can do this to me?
I am not some blown up embassy.
Look around at the times, such violent times
Which we can do nothing about.
So sit there in your chair, and pull your hair and the tears that come out from your face.
Realize how much of a disgrace you are to everyone.
Cry into your hands, please.
Sink into your self pity, and dream of changing.
That's all you will ever do - dream.
Don't step to me, I don't want part in it
So back up now before I get mad, and take your hands off.
I'm on my own.
Pushing off into my life's pure bliss
Leaving you with a finger up from a fist.
How does it feel to be you?
I hope you soak up the feeling,
Until you feel so dirty you have to change your ways.
Because I cannot stand one more moment of looking at you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Two points

When I step to this spot,
I am taken to another place.. I am with another cast.
I have nothing to prove to anyone
I am at peace with myself.
Looking at a shot I want so bad im breathless
A running wreck..
But I have my time to think
Through the screams and scares.
I Drive the lane.. spinning past opponents
Gliding into the air, I am undercut
Falling on my back, my eyes look to the stars
Like a scene out of a book,
It is nothing more than mere child's play.
Everyone is silenced for that brief moment
I jump to my feet, and get on defense.
Intensely looking at the ball
The pain in my feet makes me cringe
You think I'm letting you go that easy?
Watching it, and I want it with every muscle in my body.
Smacking for it, I smack his hand,
The Ball sent Careening down the court
I catch up with the ball, and pass it off
My back twists, sending pain in all directions
With the adrenaline pumping I get set
I spot up for the shot
I get the best feeling inside when I feel the leather.
Running my hands over it, I spin into control
Feeling the ball release I know I'm going to make it.
This magic moment - Solo for me.
I could stay here forever.
The ball tears through the stagnant net,
Dust fills the air as the game ends.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Unfinished Work

The darkness in the night stands on me
Layering the coolness
Like a freeze frame,
Motionless in time, but never-ending.
Caught in my hopes
I am lost.
The shores of a beach receding away,
Like my faith in life.
The big screen appears,
And my life continues.
Help me space out my unfathomable
I put words to the unspeakable.
But how can you shape the space between me and God?
The walls close in on me
Crashing down on me, I cry out to God.
Will he hear me?
Am I an angel without wings?
Or a devil without fangs
The truth?
Look beyond me, beyond the stereotypes and the conformity
Look into my brown eyes
Time is ticking away for the people of this world.
I am never found, I am unfinished
A paper unread, a book misplaced.
The lightness touches my lips,
And I think of my friends
Who touch me deeply through innocence.
Lose one friend, lose all friends
Lose all friends - lose identity.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Outside my Bubble

It feels like there is a stone in my stomach
I feel like I have un-finished business.
My emotions are coming out...
People don't understand me, or how deep I really am.
I may be the biggest loser of all time...
So we talked for a year, and then went out for 5 months.
After 5 months - advance 2 years
And I give you the Present time.
You have a boyfriend, last I checked
I have no girlfriend, and nobody even close to being one.
I feel like I need to talk to you...
But my emotions are fading with each second.
What do you feel?
I love to make like there is nothing wrong
I love to feel like I have done everything I could have.
I like to tell myself I am not jealous.
Reality eludes me in my sleep...
It's all out.
I will have questions now, but the truth remains
You were a part of my life for almost 2 years
But then I cut you off - killing what ever emotion was left.
A few months later, I come to my senses and realize what I've done.
My world was crashing all around me...
I try to talk to the females
When I think of myself with someone, things go blurry.
Like a deer in the street at night
The headlights just consume the deer, and he is run off the road.
So this is the inner me - this is my closet...
Did you expect something else?
I need closure - something that has lacked, for what feels like forever.
Will I ever get this closure?
Is this it?...
Questions go round in my head, and spill out in other forms.
Do you know what I know?
I need a girl, I need a life.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Empty Inside

A man walks into a cold, dark room
He walks over to a storage area and picks up a box.
This leather object would be a stranger to anybody else
But not him.
Sitting down on this old shut down stage
The chair sent goosebumps to his skin with memories
He fumbled for his keys in his pockets
Now, keys in hand he stood gazing out into the open black auditorium, reminiscing
A light turned on directly over his seat
Taking the keys, he touched the cool metal, searching for a key hole
The jingle of the keys fell silent in the room, as he found what he was looking for.
The sound of the case unlocking clicked in the darkness
The man slowly unzipped and unpacked his treasure.
The smell of wood and rosin fills his face as he opens it
Taking the instrument in one hand, and the bow firmly in the other
He started to play, at first a timid sound came out of the instrument that he held
As his body movements kicked in, so did the sound.
The intensity and the passion poured out of his body
Being magnified by the red violin
The artist got up and walked around the room with ease
Playing his life's tune
Exuberant and full of joy the man filled the room with color.
The rosin flew off the strings before him, forming a cloud
The artist - unfazed at this played through it
He plugged in his heartache and misfortune
And his happiness and love to create a masterpiece.
The man stopped playing on a resounding key
Wisking the bow off the string, the violin rang clear.
The room was warm, padded with music and art
Sitting back down in his seat he smiled as he looked at the instrument
"Whenever I need you - you're here."
The light dimmed to nothing as the man put everything back just like it was found.
Quietly, the man walked out the door grinning with peace.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Racing with a Demon

As I walk to my car
Over pools of antifreeze
I open the car door and sit down
Turning the keys into the ignition,
The pistons rumble with raw power
It churns in your brain like a hot pistol
Shifting gears
I am flushed with adrenaline
Speeding along with an ice cold sweat
Passing life by, so I can forget
Dripping with intensity, I burn for more
Grinding the pedal into the floor
Pictures taken and helicopters soar
Everything moving into a blur
The streetlight falls,
And emotions run high
There is no easy way to say goodbye
Like a smoldering ember, I glow with the wind
This is where I am taken, I have not sinned
Careening down this cold wet street
As my temples pulsate, from the heat
In a race against time, I finally win.
Gliding through the air
Feeling pleasure unparalleled
The storm has cleared
What do you still fear?
A cloudy thought, the wipers on
Cleansing the passion inside of me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Reflections of the Past

Looking In the mirror I can see my eyes
Staring blankly back into me
I have no tears left to flow
The ocean is still just as cool as snow
Are you good to go?
Covered up like a deer
And as innocent as a newborn
You are alert, hearing things unspoken
Falling deaf on the ear, but loud to the soul
Behold the stormy weather pushing ahead
Backing me into a corner, leaving me for dead
Too tired to fight
Drained as a desert.
I can feel the cool morning breeze tingle my skin
And the soft spoken words calm my fears
As I stand convicted
You know that I did it, just like you predicted.
The old record skips, like my heartbeat for you
Oh man, I did it again.
When shall I move on?
When your boyfriends gone.
Hey man, I'm talking' to you
What you wear in gold chains,
Is what you lack in brains
But you have reason to worry,
Because when you start
To take part - In hurting my love
I will wear the glove
The beginning of the end
And if you're smart, it will start
The fear in you
Ending the pain for my love.
My tongue is a sword
So I can't afford to lose you again.
By saying something foolish again.
When I look in your eyes
My knees turn to jelly
Then I get a hot sweat,
Wiping my forehead, and breaking out in chills
You catch the attention of dollarbills, and the green eyes on your pretty face.
Astonished by your beauty and grace
You keep your pace, ahead of the game.
And my hands jam into my pockets,
As you turn to me, a shot is fired.
I jump on you, bringing down the admired,
The red is real, and so is the blood.
Must I go out with a bang?
Promise to remember my name.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Skeletons

I have always had my dreams.
In school I would drift off, caught in my minds waterfall of thoughts,
Most of the times I would think of something tragic happening.
And me - being the self-condemned loser, would save the day.
I can picture a school falling apart near students,
Everyone running for there lives.
But not me, I would run and make it in time to save the person in distress.
I would become an instant hero,
That special someone, that's who I would save.
With my peers, I would be more famous than you can dream about,
That person you always wanted to impress - in my case - Nikki
Would now try to impress me.
I am dreaming.
I had Nikki stick up for me once,
Rochelle was making a fuss over a game - picking on me.
But Nikki looked into my eyes and saw that I was tight lipped.
Not going to say anything, and just let her go on until she was done.
One of the most celebrated times of my life,
She spoke up to her, and got in her face.
For me
A small incident - but something that changed me,
And the way I think about people

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

The Little Boy

Sitting down upon the cement
A little boy, with hopes and dreams sat in the sunlight
He grabbed into the grass to snatch a crayon.
The people walked aimlessly before him, and didn't acknowledge him either
Until one person came up to him and asked;
"What in the world are you drawing little boy?"
The big innocent eyes glanced up at the man speaking
Little arms and fingers grabbed hold of the sheet and the boy showed the man
"What a nice drawing!" said the man
No longer intent on drawing, the boy got up and started his walk home
Walking home alongside buildings; everyone was running with fear
The boy tugged at a man watching the TV next to others, asking what was wrong?
Standing mesmerized the man wiped away dust and tears to say
"Something terrible has happened"
Almost instantly the boy heard the reporter talk,
Intent on finding out what happened, the boy saw images that would be carved into his memory.
The boy then looked terrified as he watched in awe of the world around him.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Checking the Time

Happily married for 30 years.
But it didn't start out this way
We escaped death, and here's my story.
It was my fiancée and myself
Going to skydive out of this plane
This little propeller engine, and this massive sky
Trained with two strangers, two partners
Who would take this trip of life with me
We prepared to load the three seater plane
My fiancée and her jumping partner went first
I waited until it was my turn, to stare at death and laugh.
Taking off like a dove from a hand
The plane soared through the sky
The plane screamed above us, higher and higher
I turned away, to check the time.
The time expired.
The plane crashed as smoothly as it took off
The instructor comforted me,
She told me everything was going to be okay,
In tears - she told me that she was there for me.
I went home and cried to my father as he stood looking at me.
He gazed at me with no compassion,
Embracing him, I shivered for it felt like he had ice in his veins.
I respected him none the less, like any other child would.
I talked to my instructor, and after a long time a date was arranged.
This person - who no more than a year ago was a complete stranger to me
Is now my wife.
We are in love, and forever to stay that way.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Surreal

The silence is surrounding me.
I get up and take my place on this field
Gazing around, looking at an empty stadium
The feeling is too much
Starting to walk I hear my feet crush the grass beneath me
And the dew is tracked with bits of grass on my shoe
I look up to a corner I would always sit in
Now reflecting on everything I have once done.
Taking everything for granted - I get a lump in my throat
Sanddust filled my throat, and a heavy breathing filled my body
Turning around to a massive field I see a soul
Beautiful as an angel, and quiet as a distant breeze
She walks to me, and moves her lips
I look into her eyes, and embrace her.
Like a lighting bolt, I am struck by the blood drawn from this hug
Everything spinning, in back and white flashing before my eyes
Elated by the past and stricken by surprise with the future
Everything is brought into focus
As I turn to the stands in pain and happiness I see new things
Looking back to see nothing, only the lights
Staring down at me

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

My eyes

My eyes are filled with water.
I am not tired, I am not sad.
It is raining.
Swimming with a rain coat
Rubber boots and a pale.
Would you bathe with me in the sea
Or maybe dance with me?
Just keep on romancing
For I am dancing with your eloquent romance
Give me a kiss of sorrow as you send me on my way
Alone
But my tears devour your soul as I walk away
I know I am going to crash into your world without you.
You have abused me, or have I just abused myself?
Save the last dance for me
I just cannot get enough of you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Go with the flow

I am moving like a piece of fog
Drifting endlessly, where the wind takes me
I am in love, going with the flow
The sun is up and caressing my cheeks
I can feel it burning me up, but only until I explode.
Don't take my love away.
She must go with you, or have regrets of tomorrow
I am saddened just thinking about it
Like giving up your child - because you are dying
I love her so much; I would do anything to make her happy
But this?
So pass me the needle, so I can tell her to go
"Go with him"
My chest heaves heavily with sadness
"You love him, not me - make no regrets, don't let him get away!"
I am choking on my own tears
Selfishly I think to myself - Please don't go.
As now I am caught in a storm of emotion
I raise my head to see nobody
Nobody is here anymore, just myself and my regrets
I am moving like a piece of fog
Jumping off this bridge and into the water like no others

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Soaked

I am sitting in the rain - soaked
Jumping in the ocean with my raincoat on
Watching the art of nature make me who I am.
The old man tells a joke as the loser forces a smile
The teacher pleading with students
I will be here for you
I am be finding my place, and myself
But I will continue to grow
I am pushed worlds away - but that won't stop me
Moving closer to some, farther from others
The wolf cries in the night
The devil dealing a man his soul back to him
If you need someone to lean on
Go grab a chair; you look like you need one
Take me now or take me never
Flat lined.
Did you hear me?
Take me now or never
-
Too late, never just arrived.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Dark Alleys

The cold metal pressed against my skin
Flashes of hot and cold
Me in and out of conciseness
It all started with a crack of a bat
And a sea of shattered glass pouring on the ground
My heart pounding so loudly in my ears, I cannot hear.
My veins pumping with toxin
I am strapped with TNT
So those who take me out can come with me
I said take me to my place,
He refused to cooperate - so I took him out back
I had him get on his knees and cry to me
Pistol whipped and passed out
I ran to my place, through the alleys
But I was stopped during the night
Where the skies were dark as midnight
And the alleys as dark as my soul
I am in the hot-seat now
Now I am the one coming to terms with people in Dark places
I cannot see him, but I can feel the iron pressing harder against my skull
Then my heart jumped and my hopes fell
I heard the gun load - the trigger pull.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Flowing

I am flowing on this river, taking me places against my force
The turbulent waves smash into my little ship
Making it crack and fall apart into little pieces
I am almost hurled over board, but I have caught myself
I am alone in this wondrous place, and that terrifies my soul
I go down this storm of water, free falling
Fighting for life, with no avail
My face plunges into the water below, cracking every hope I have to survive
As I close my eyes all I see is white suits and champagne pouring from the heavens
The celebration, we are all dripping with emotion now
Pure happiness and a new profound respect for life after death

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Scared

The problem is right in front of me
Looking at me in the face - gazing into me.
Let's just say it, we can't get along, and no matter how much we try we just can't
Well what about the last few years?
Oh yes, that's the past isn't it.
A long history of a past and cowardice about my friend.
If I can even still call him that.
You think we're better off being just acquaintances and not close friends
I think we should be friends, but I am the only one trying.
I am the one putting the effort in - and getting nothing worth while.
I'll let you decide because I am the one who is getting tired of trying
I need some final resolution - something I can't turn my back on.
You have hurt me, and the blood has covered my face.
It has stained me.
Only where my tears have been rolling down my face
Is where you can start to see my natural wonder?
I don't want to think of it again.
Like a spot on the carpet, it needs to be removed
No matter how much it hurts, it must be cleaned so it can heal.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Out of Time

I give in.
No longer searching for someone to care for
But what is this?
This thing of beauty and of wonder
I'm not driving a car
How should I know the signals?
Someone to think about.
That's what I needed - that's what I have
Where do I go from here?
My time is limited.
I play my options out in my head
What shall I do?
Every week I think about her
I like her - I wonder does she like me?
Childish questions fill my head
Making me feel more like a child than adult.
Am I once again reading more into something than I should?
The threat of saying something - to be wrong can ruin things
I don't want to spoil a friendship
Or am I prolonging something better...
This is my dilemma.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Floodgates

There are puddles of dreams everywhere
Always drying up, but the residue still lingers.
These are the floodgates
That holds people back from being abnormal.
A passion to be something
It beats
And it pounds like the stereo speakers on full blast
And a runner's heart
It beats me to the ground
I'm speechless in these times of need
So I sit and listen to my unfathomable breathing
And the people crying
The heart beat pounds in my soul
You have lost me, and I can't find you
The mist in a fog - the trees in the forest
All things are clear to you, but combine the two and I'm mystified.
I am blind, leading the blind.
Come into control and come out of the pastime
It won't take away your pain, but it's a start in the right direction
Follow the stars in the sky - they shine for you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Quiet Mornings

I look through this sapphire stained glass, and I see myself.
This is the art of life.
Take my hand, and walk with me through this silent residence.
Watch the fire rise up in the distant skies below the heavens
The dark ones, who seek us in a vengeance - fail again.
An insurmountable amount of silence rests in me.
I am composed, and in discussion.
Galaxies of wonder organize in my thought.
My knees start to give
I am drowsy, and weak in character
Those mystified eyes fixed on me.
Sip upon the coffee, and become one with me.
And embark upon the issues of life before we go about our day.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

A Lapse in Time

I am caught in a lapse in time,
Going to and where, I know not
A dime a dozen
Like the old re-runs of Taxi
There's tranquility in my soul as I see the cat lying down
Staring up in a way only he knows
The rain is outside falling
Bringing life to once lifeless objects
Silence rests on everything but the window
Where you can hear the rain gently tapping,
Opening the door I feel the wind rush in
Bringing cool weather and a slight chill
I can only walk outside in the middle of nothing
And just stand
I let the rain soak me and cleanse my body,
Soaked and filled with happiness
I start to drift away, until I can no longer tell day from night.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Give up

I can't look in the mirror.
Do you see what I see?
I want to look further into myself
Look into these eyes.
Come and see my point of view of everything
You don't know what I know
You haven't seen what I've seen.
Am I destroying myself?
Or just preparing myself for the truth
Either way I want to move past it,
But is there a way?
Where there's a will there's a way
Well that's what they say,
Is it time to give up?
To just give in?
Let everything everyone said be true.
You know it is anyway right?
I need a way out because I'm trapped
I'm in a black box, not able to get out.
The future is coming, people don't understand
I look forward to it each day.
The glassy look in my eyes will break
The flame in the back of my eyes is coming brighter each day.
Each day I try to change
Everyday I fail.
I can't give up, that's not like me.
People think it is, but they don't know me.
Annoying is what it gets
To read the same things over and over
Just different phrases
It will all change soon.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

The Motions

I have no life.
I try to get out of this rut
Fallen
Like a car spinning with its wheels in mud
It is no use,
I need a push from behind.
Am I living?
No true emotion
No feeling
I'm numb
Don't get mad at me
I only seek to tell the truth
Do you understand what its like?
To look for love in loveless issues.
I seek for things that were never
I am a dreamer,
I think, therefore I am.
No longer waking up wanting to go on
Waking up just to go through the motions.
I write people
Looking for a reply, so they can acknowledge me
Then maybe I can have a new friend.
Then maybe ill be someone in the eyes of others
Maybe not - I'm looking for myself
A purpose - a meaning
That's all I'm searching for.
Life is a like a grandfather clock and through all the years it works,
Yet when it brakes down you don't just leave it.
You fix it, and it continues
But I am not a repairman.
And my seconds are wearing thin

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Victorian's Grace

There's a feeling in my soul that I can't ignore,
Like someone standing at my door,
Voices call me to come
And I leave to see what I can do.
The sight of this lover's game breaks your heart.
So I am to crumble at the sound of your voice.
Take my breath away,
And let us dance the night away
As we listen to Victorian's romances
We are miles away from reality
In this world there are two people, you and I.
Our feelings for each other shall be never ending.
It is a stand off of love.
And who will win this heartfelt match?
We can only tell if we relax and listen to the sounds.
So turn down the music, and ill listen to your angelic grace
Whisper into my ear as we dance the night away.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Through the fire

I'm doused with gasoline
And the fire's burning strong
My voice is faded
Through the fire, my life is on the wire.
The flames are burning hot
But I am still standing.
You look for control, but it's out of reach.
Now I stand strong.
Through the fire, you can only make out my eyes,
Burning into your memory.
My voice stands strong,
I have made it through
And you can feel me radiate
I am soaring higher than what the flames once burned.
Do not run
Do not shy away,
Because you have only begun to see
What I am capable of doing.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Just As Good

A male having the same parents as another
Or one parent in common with another.
Commonly known as a brother.
You were my antidote to slitting the wrists,
We all know that I wouldn't do that
But when times got hard
And the family was put on the line
You would come through for me.
The things you have went through with me,
The times we have spent, cannot be taken away.
Take anything we have done, and we can laugh about it now
We related more than can be descried.
Through thick and thin, I could turn to you.
You never turned on me, and we had our moments
But after all of it I can say
I trust you with my life
You don't come along every few years
A true friend like you, someone can only find but once in their life.
You sly dog you, you are even warm hearted
And care for others.
I am not quite sure how we got to start talking,
But the things we have been through nothing can compare to.
A brother is a person of blood -
Who has a good relationship with siblings, - in theory of course.
So even though you aren't a blood brother,
You are a friend, and a real brother to me.
You can't pick your family, and your friends pick you.
Thanks for being you bro.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Endless

You are like a firefly
Hard to catch - beautiful, and interesting.
I feel like I am running after you
But you always seem to slip through my fingers.
I had you once, and let you get away
But I will always be here for you
Waiting for you to call
Waiting for you to answer
I am here as a friend or as a lover.
But I cannot wait around forever
Even if it seems that's what I'm doing
You are really special to me.
I can talk to you once a month and still desire to be with you.
Distance is not the problem.
I am staring blankly at endless shadow of black
With nothing coming to turn my head
I love you
My first love, and deepest.
And now is not the time, but I still want to be with you
Time should change everything.
You have places I would like to explore but never will.
And you are so deep, sometimes you appear shallow.
When your back is against the wall
And the walls come crashing down on you
I will pick up the pieces.
Call on me for anything.
Just call
I will be waiting for you,
But how long will be too long?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Butterfinger BB's

Everything is black and white
Until I talk to you.
You bring so much color,
Without even trying
You have a spirit about you that I could keep forever
I wish that I were with you
So I could treat you right
And give you everything you need.
I could show you so many things,
And you could help me in so many ways.
I look forward to talking with you
Even if we don't have huge conversations
I am still here for you.
I want to get to know you better
For you are one of the sweetest people I know.
One day we hopefully will have our day.
Until then I will just talk to you as a friend,
And think of you as a friend
Thank you for being you.
You have nothing to hide and nothing to prove
If everyone was as thoughtful as you,
The world would be a better place.
If anything I could do for you,
It would be to make you happy - And make you smile or laugh.
Make your day a little bit brighter
Or just make your life seem a little bit easier.
If I have hope, everyone does.
Thank you
Without you, where would I be?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Not the same idea

You are a great friend
Thank you for being there to talk to.
I have complained to you thousands of times over,
And sometimes I would stop you,
But you wouldn't stop me.
You bug me as much as a little sister,
And sometimes are as bratty as one
If I had a sister I would want her to be like you.
I have made some mistakes with you.
Actions that I took were for you, not me.
I gave you a night, with only me.
You took it for more than it was
Wanting me since we have known each other
I felt it was only right to let you have me a night.
I wanted you to finally be happy, for once in your life.
You can call it heartless or just stupid, it probably was.
Out of pity, sorrow, or maybe I was just depressed.
I am sorry.
And from the bottom of my heart,
I know it will hurt you, and being a guy - we do those things.
We make stupid decisions - but you girls have your share of them.
We will not be seeing each other for a long time now.
But I wanted to let you know that we can be friends,
For now, or - until the end of time.
I wanted to clear this up with you,
But let you know you will always be in my memory and thoughts
If it is blazer gear, or just a phrase that catches my attention
I know I won't forget you.
Kept in quiet, for a few weeks - everything is out.
You know who you are - and your friends do too.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Against the waves

I can see it
Who knows what it is
I have reached for it and missed
I don't know where I am.
But I can see through you
Smelling the crisp air, the magic of life enters me
Leaving me numb
And I am not talking - all is silent
Walking along - crushing dead grass.
I am quite the conversation piece aren't I?
Give me the past - so I can hold the future and mold it
Don't you see the fog is covering me?
The sun is rising up and I can see it glow
The water is as clear as glass,
And it makes me wonder if its even there
I jump in - now freezing.
Trying to swim back to shore but only brought further out
Am I supposed to go with the waves?
Panic overtakes me
Taking strokes back I push and try harder to fight against them,
But it is impractical
They overcome me and I'm trapped - breathless.
Spotting my little boat, I swim with the winds towards it.
Am I alone?
You are near me, surrounding me.
I can hear your voice - and your promise.
Take me now - and I can be with you forever.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Fogged eyes

"Ma, Kathy's on the phone..."
"My Kathy?"
My heart sank at the sound of the words.
She remembered me.
Loosing her mind
Loosing her memory
But still remembering one's important to her.
Calling to hear you talk
Calling to hear you.
I love you
I hate everyday that will be without you
Stay with me
Talk to me
"Are you coming over?"
"Sure thing mom - ill be right over"
Tears fill my eyes
She can't remember were thousands of miles away.
Please don't give up
Stay strong.
-- She mumbles.
Now holding back crying
Let her know that I must go
She tells me she loves me
And I let loose, tears streaming.
As I try to cope without you -
You shall always live on in our hearts --
And all the times - the memories - we have shared might fade...
But now you're happy
Reunited with dad,
And rejoicing with the Lord.
God bless you - rest in peace
We all love you

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002
Dedicated to Rose Blais (my grandmother)

Righteous anger

Death isn't supposed to be remembed this way
Why do you make things turn out like this?
We were supposed to be family Bobby!
What the heck are you thinking???
She's my mother's mom too -
Adopted or not - she has a right to be there
Who are you to think she loved you more?
Who are you to even think that?
Get it over with quick... right?
Less than 48 hours...
That's speed.
So you tell us at 2 the day after
Plans made - set in stone.
You couldn't even call up and tell us yourself
Coward.
You two faced hypocrite.
And expect us to be there 20 hours later?
What's wrong with you?
You're sick
I want to call you and chew you a new hole
What's wrong with you?
Go shove something up your - wait
You might get some joy out of it.
Call him - yell
Answering machine again.
I swear - for your sake
I hope I never see you again.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

This Little Child

He had big eyes and great hopes
Wishing only the best to the world
Even his bleak way of living didn't dim his light
As his mother was an alcoholic - and father too
They were often in yelling matches towards each other
But not him - he would stay locked in his room
His own place where nobody could touch him.
He went through life thinking he was a failure
Finally making a stand at the last moment
For something he believed in
He was stabbed in the heart
Piercing every thing he had to live for,
His parents wept, and everyone was in great awe
On how much this little child
Meant to everyone

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Shockwaves

These are the shockwaves from the world
Coming down from all corners of the falls
Only to hear cries
These are the sounds of the damned
And they are our future
Shockwaves
Have impact on my life
But can cross over me like a bridge
Shockwaves
The waves in the pond,
Effecting everyone in a domino effect
Yet no two people are affected the same way
Why is this so?
These shockwaves
Like the lines in an old mans happy face
The fragile bones -
His raspy voice is but a
Whisper...

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Watch your step

Step lightly for the weather is warm - but the frost is fresh
Step lightly for everything you know,
Is surreal
Massive blocks of ice crumble around you
As your confidence in the world deteriorates
Everything you once held true to you - is false
You once were dancing on water
But now you're engraving every step into the ice
With a trail of heat
The sky is red, and the ice is cracked
And every place you touch - seems to fall apart
This is reality.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

eXtreem

Sweat of passion drips down my face
These are eXtreem days
With everything that comes from this
You can't help but feeling like screaming
These are eXtreem times.
Times of trial and tribulation come upon us
And hardships are what everyone has
My palms are cold - but forehead hot.
I am the captain of my soul
And therefore I cannot control my voyage through life.
Talk to me through the symphonies of life.
Come downstairs with me,
Drink pools of coffee with me
Sit by the fire -
Lets talk life, lets talk love.
I'll be sure to never forget you
Sit by the fire and look into my eyes,
Life may take me thousands of miles away,
But I'll always be here with you.
The x on your chest, that's
The spot im closest too
Come with me on my voyage of life wherever it may take me
Don't let go -
Everybody needs to know how much they're loved.
I promise ill let you know.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Improve

You salvage and slave trying to make this thing of beauty
Everything is done with intent to make it better
You shake the tree and watch the ambitious workers fall
Shake a branch and take some leaves
This sea of glass... breakable is the moment it crumbles.
For you cannot comprehend breaking new boundaries.
But I am drunk with power
Take a sip with me and let me go on my way
I speak to the dead in a silence of shame
For I know not what I did wrong.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Car driving through a wall

My life flashed before these eyes
Everything being blurred - my birth and death
My friends are crying - but I can't comfort them
My seatbelt failed and my face crumbled upon the airbag
I feel cold and damp, but I am gliding through the air
I can see everyone; look I'm right here.. Talk to me.
I smashed through a brick wall with a car
Thinking only about what death would be like
Being so selfish to not think about how it would put a strain on others
Not emotionally but financially.
Killing myself instantly i've done it the best way.
I have went thru the motions
I have sized up belts, but they kept me alive
I had tried cutting myself - but couldn't bring myself to do it
The only logical solution was to use my access.
The car.
I had it all planned out, everything goes fine
I say my final goodbyes and nobody knows the difference.
Why should they care now?
Because they're supposed to
Not because they want too,
Not because they care.
Point blank - that's the answer.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

Addition

Pour my soul into your hands
See the fairy dust run off into the clouds
Sparkling water - and some dirty water
Take me and purify me
Make me yours
For I am not worthy
You hold the water with great concentration
Making sure not to spill a drop
Now add in something of your own
And put me in to the stream of life

Poem by J.A.D. © 2002

--- © Poetry Section from year 2001 ---

My Relief

I start to write about pain, about my life -
And my frustrations
But I get my relief by writing
It seems that when I write, my emotions pour out through my fingertips
Being written in blood on the paper I write.
Doing so helps me, it lets me have my own journal that everyone can read and see.
Why should I care if they judge me by it?
I would rather have them judge me by something I wrote -
Than what someone else wrote.
Sometimes so much emotion pours out of me onto the paper
I am tired.
While I feel like I've become black and white
I read the paper and how colorful it now seems to be
I write for my own piece of mind - so that everything will be fine.
Some people can relate to me.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Life

Life has many challenges
Some are big, and some are small
My mind races and paces
Thinking about people I call friends
People I can trust my life with
But not my darkest secret
I try to talk to them, comfort them
Be a friend to them
But I am caught in my own life's challenges
I am prone to pluck the heart before it bleeds
I realize what I am doing
It is best for others, or at least that's what I tell myself
They talk to me like they can't inquire any further - deeper
So here I am.
Behind a screen, talking to people who do care
Why cant life end?
I admit that I wouldn't want to be on earth when time stops
But the thought of waking up, and being alone...
With millions of others who I don't know - in panic.
Amuses me and my brain
Life is a challenge in itself
Tackle it while you have it in your grasps

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Every tear

Every tear shreds my soul more.
One of the good parts of having a soul.
When a tear lands on me it feels wet
Tingly to my skin because my skin is a virgin to tears
How can you cry over something like that?
Did it really effect you that deeply?
I don't cry.
I let tears stream down my face,
But I don't cry.
How can you stand there and look at me
Telling me what to do
Am I acting the way you want me to?
Am I normal like you now?
I can try to be everything for you
But no matter how hard I try,
It's just never good enough for you is it?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Five minutes

I love the sound of rain.
I went outside and just watched the rainfall.
I was soaked, but I was also caught in the moment of things.
When it rains, in the summer, all the trees, the ground and bushes are all clean.
Clean from anything that has happened.
The smell of rain is wonderful, especially when it's nice and cool outside.
But you must love those oh-so-rare summer rains,
When its almost hot outside, and it rains for five minutes.
After it stops raining you feel the ground and how cool it is to your touch.
Look up on the horizon and see fog coming up towards you.
You run towards it like you would if you were five years old.
Now standing on top of a hill surrounded by this fog you begin to hear things.
You hear distant cheers of friends playing down towards the house.
They call for you - but no, you like it just where you are.
No trees on this hill, just short cut grass, bits of it dead.
You can see a full 360 degrees and how just beyond the hill how many trees there are.
The sun is right on you, but not that far away from you your friends are in the shade.
Tall pines and bushes engulf them in shade and everything lying near them.
You spot a dirt path not too far from the house
Take a walk down this old path, and see what it has to offer.
Blueberries - just right for the picking
Taste one and have your mouth trip for a moment over how juicy and delicious they are.
Take some for your trip back to the house.
Enter in and get comfortable, listen to your grandma talk to your parents,
Look around at the house and just wonder at all these walls have seen and heard.
When you see the sun beginning to set, you get set to go outside.
Perfect weather, and your even dry now to enjoy it!
Go outside and leave the wonderful at home aroma of your grandma's house.
Looking around you can tell the day is soon to end.
Flowers are closing up and everything is even quieter than before.
A drop of water sticks out to you as you observe things around you.
The drop was a crystal - and yet for a moment it was suspended in time.
The coolness of the night air was near
And still you could see some effects of the five-minute rain.
Walk uphill until you can see the house, and the now small hill.
Civilization, every hour or so a car would pass by,
The road was a nice shaded road, curved enough to give it some character.
Trees were everywhere, to give you a thought about how many trees there were
Just take a pencil and stick it through your hair, your pencil of course would be the road.
And the hair would resemble all the trees this road was curved going uphill
Of course you were near the top.
Silence is in everything, the trees and even the road.
Walk around near the road; you see a puddle of water from a hole in the road.
You know what that means!
Walk over to it and kick it, watching it trickle down the hill.
Almost time to go in but, but why? Can't we just stay here?
It was almost dark out, and still just as wonderful.
You see a light turn on in the house, thinking to yourself
How nice it would be to have some company right now
So you walk, jog and then not by choice run down the hill.
But you notice how fun it is and just go along with it.
Time to go inside, so say goodbye.
Fireflies flicker as the night sets in.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

To give it thought

I want you to imagine that you are around in the old days.
The time of Jesus, yes. You are Jesus.
So you like it?
Think of how it would feel carrying a heavy cross on your back,
Fun stuff right?
Now think of the thorny hat that they put on you
With thorns piercing your skin.. you taste your own blood.
You cant forget walking towards the place you will be put up at.
Think of what it would feel like to have your feet put over one another
And then nailed to a wooden cross
The very same one you once held on your back.
You still have a little step to stand on when you are brought upright
Just enough to keep you living but enough to live through the pain
Tie your hands up this will hurt.
Have nails be stuck through not your hands but wrists.
Wait were not done!
Pull up the cross and let it stand
Feel the weight of gravity pulling you down
And the nails piercing your hands and feet
Now let the people mock you
Get ready, you are about to watch the same thing happen
To two of your best friends

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

No feeling

I have lost the feeling I had before
I have no desire to do the things I did before
I am not the same person as I was before
I use to think that it was okay to be like me
Is it okay to be like this?
I don't have a desire to do anything anymore
I wake up as a routine and then I go online.
I have more friends online than I do in person
The score is 3 to 30... so you see why I'm online so much?
What would you do?
I can't turn back the hands of time
I must push on.
Now I just see people and want to be like them.
Is that so bad?
Why is this the way I am?
So I sit behind a keyboard and a screen and type messages to people I've probably never met.
And you judge me like a book and it's cover.
Is it really that bad?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Death

I am told not to fear death
Should I look forward to it?
No - I should be prepared for it.
The funny thing about death is we all will die,
But nobody knows when, how or where.
Are you afraid of death?
Or do you just avoid death as much as you can?
Eternity think about the meaning of that word.
If in fact, there is life after death,
Nobody has came back and told anyone about it,
Every person knows its coming.
But, when, where how?
Don't live your life in fear,
But on the flip side - don't live your life like an idiot.
Life is to short and precious to waste

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

You don't know

You don't know how much I feel for you
I could tell you with words, but they wouldn't do my feelings justice
When I talk to you - I want to hold you.
When I look into your eyes, I want to stay in that moment forever
What would happen if I did tell you what I feel?
You wouldn't believe me, you never have.
Do you know any bit of what I'm feeling?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Where would you choose?

Where do I want to be? - where would I choose to be?
This could be a very broad question, or answer.
You can think of it night and day and come up with many answers.
If I had to choose a couple places to tell you about which ones would I choose?
I think I would choose places that I can think, and reflect.
Some places that I love going to, are the ocean.
I know, it's probably predictable, but I don't care.
I can go to the ocean and daydream.
I can go and think of what it would be like to live so close to a seemingly endless body of water.
Or how I would go out every morning and look out across the ocean - or would I?
I would be sure to enjoy myself at night.
I would start up a fire, and sit back in a char and relax.
I would be pleased rather easily, and would probably only need a cup of coffee to hold me over.
Then the fog would set in and I would have to get up and walk home.
You can walk the coast for miles, and just hear the crashing of the waves.
The sound is like the loudest surround sound stereo system you will never have, made by nature.
You don't have to go barefoot, if you want you can wear shoes - it doesn't matter,
Either way you will temporally leave your marks in the sand.
So this makes me like everyone else, wanting to live on the coast right?
Maybe it does, I don't know.
Paint a picture in your mind of a place where the trees are abundant.
Now put some moss on those trees, during the daylight only let certain amounts of light in.
Don't forget to add the ferns on the ground, and the cool temperatures.
This would be my place.
At night you wouldn't be able to see your own hand in front of your face.
You would ride a bike around and feel the cool breeze against your cheeks, during the summer.
When winter came it would be just cold enough for it to snow, but not to stick.
Do you think it is good to dream?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

My dream

How can you be sad and happy all in the same moment?
It started off as a regular plane flight, You should know that I have no fear of flying.
We were taking off from an east coast city. Somewhere like Boston or NYC.
We started to take off, after taxing with the air controller.
My whole family whole family was on this flight.
Oddly enough so were some of my classmates.
Everyone on the plane is calm as we being to prepare to take off.
Everything is going "normal".
This was one of the hardest airports to take off from,
We started to move, and I could feel the plane jerk ahead,
We rolled on gaining momentum.
About the time we were going to take off I noticed that we didn't have a lot of speed.
Somehow I figured that something would go wrong.
Picture yourself having a bad dream and knowing something bad is going to happen,
But still you can't do anything about it you're helpless,
Ask yourself even if you could do something who would believe you?
I was for the most part - holding my breath hoping everything would be fine.
It was smooth sailing as we prepare to lift but it's just that feeling that wouldn't go away.
We got the nose of the aircraft up and after a few seconds the tail came up.
I could see almost everything moving in slow motion.
I was scared for my life, and wanted out of the aircraft.
I have never felt like this before.
It would be the perfect time to die.
I have just gotten back from doing something I really enjoyed,
And we were leaving on the airplane just as the sun was setting.
Picture yourself in an aircraft.
Do you know the feeling where your stomach feels like it can come up?
But then the plane drops down suddenly and it all normal?
I had that feeling the whole time, and it wouldn't leave.
We were barely in the air, and then began loosing altitude.
There was water up a head, if we were lucky we would hit it.
If not then we would end up slamming into a concrete wall.
The freeway was also up head, right before the water.
The pilot did everything in his power to keep us up.
We dodged the cement highway overpass we ducked under it.
Now everybody knew that this plane was out of control and nobody could stop it.
It was like every single person in the plane knew just as much as I did.
We were going to crash.
It was dead silent, all you could hear were the airplane's engines giving up,
Everyone was looking out the window, and the plane began to sway,
The bulk of the passengers on this flight, were in the front - so the pilot tried to turn the plane away from the now increasingly bigger wall.
Although I was in the plane at the time
I could imagine what it looked like crashing into the wall.
I could see it play back over and over in my head.
The plane was almost turned 300 degrees from where it was before,
The pilot turned it cleverly when the plane stalled a few seconds,
Just enough time for the pilot to get the position he wanted with the plane.
That way the bulk of the hit would be towards the back saving most of the passengers.
In theory it would have worked.
Not everybody died a lot of people I knew did.
Once the plane hit I blacked out,
I can only remember going thought the airport lobby, where all the other survivors were.
There I saw a great friend of mine not shaken not stirred.
I was so surprised to see my old best friend and I went over to talk.
I don't know why but the actions of my friend were very amusing
He saw me, and didn't acknowledge me.
Instead was talking to all of his friends like nothing was wrong.
I went up to him and asked if he was on this flight?
And if he knew that a plane had crashed and in fact that it was mine.
He replied calmly and very coldly that he was also on the flight.
And had known what had happened.
Astonished I asked if he was ok,
I wondered why he was even flying - have it by chance have it on the same flight as me.
I never got an answer.
He just ignored me and kept talking to his friends.
Looking back at that day,
I realize that the reason I was happy and sad was because
I still had my life and was living - I also knew how close to death I really was.
Sad because I lost my family and everything else I took for granted.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

Yes it's another insight into my mind.

The thing that would probably touch you or change you the most
Is if you had someway of looking at your everyday life.
Most people think about their lives daily.
It's not the same.
In time - your views will probably change along with you.
If you think about things people do, it is kind of the same.
They take what they may think is a great thing and store it away.
After months, sometimes years - they comeback and see how they did.
Some people are truly happy with what they had before,
But others try to improve on what they had before - and try to make it better.
If you said something today out of emotion - or action,
And came back two months from now,
Do you think you would feel good with what you've said?
Or if you could come back a few years from now and see how you acted?
Everyone acts the way they will act.
I am not saying the way anyone acts is wrong.
It can be someone who is sweet or is mean (to put it nicely)
If you had some way of grasping the way you thought about things,
A few years ago, and the way you acted,
And how it effected people and the impact it had on people,
Do you think that you would have done everything exactly the same?
If you can actually do that,
Without having to look at a journal or anything at all, then that's great.
Or if you can talk with your friends and find out how you acted,
Keep in mind not all friends would tell you how you really acted.
Some friends are just pleasers & others are true friends.
If you find a friend who may have known you,
And can possibly act as a neutral then maybe you can start to see
The mistakes you have made.
It is only then at that time, where you can begin to change.
If you choose too.
Most people have enough impact on at least one person
That if that one person was thinking of committing suicide,
They would be the reason not too.
Suicide is just an example of course,
But unless you know someone really good
You probably won't ever figure out how much you mean to that person.
Many times people proceed in life, not knowing
Exactly how much they mean to someone.
That's just fine by me - not as many ego's.
And if that isn't enough, then how much of an impact of what they say and do can change someone's life.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

The Dark Hallway

You begin.
You start down this hallway,
Empty, black
You notice the feel of the hallway.
Damp, cool, and misty.
As you look around in a 360-degree move, you see nothing,
But darkness, nothing but black
It is covering yourself, for now you cannot see your hand.
So you decided the best move is to not stay still, but to keep moving,
You walk down this hallway, and as you're walking a light begins to appear.
You think to yourself have I died and gone to heaven?
How would I know? I've never been there.
You feel a sense of urgency, and not knowing why - continue on.
Then you try to walk- but it seems like your getting nowhere,
There is nothing there.
You fall, for what seems an endless time but is really only seconds.
Then you hit -
You get yourself up and look at the red cement,
How very real the blood tastes,
How much the cuts hurt.
Are you dreaming?
You would pinch yourself, but your too numb.
Wanting to know where you are, you go on.
You walk by old houses and streets that seem familiar to you,
Where are you?
As you try to remember, you notice that you're back in your hometown!
Where you grew up!
You think of your friend from what seems like just yesterday,
So you go up to the house, that's now old and shaggy and ask to speak to him,
"He died, - 5 years ago."
"But how, when?"
As the pain filled his family's eyes they closed the door.
So you start to worry now,
If it's a joke, then it's for a sick personality.
Starting to feel helpless, you think- why me?
You know you can't stop here, so you walk on,
Cars pass you with plates you have never seen before.
One of them stops and offers you a ride.
You said ok and got in the car.
They take you near the ocean, after riding for hours.
A secluded little place, nice and cozy.
After you got in the car, you notice these are your best friends!
They said you could stay at their place they had, until this dilemma was over.
You would have woken up the next morning,
But you died
You were out doing your job,
When someone pulled up to the side of your car that you were driving,
And told you to get out.
After taking a shot in the head your car was stolen.
He almost killed you - but you were rushed to the hospital,
You actually had a really good chance of survival,
But you slipped into a coma and never woke up.
What does this mean to you?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

June 1st 2001

I saw you just 4 days ago,
I got news today about you.
Why did you do it?
I will never see you again in my lifetime.
So you took a boulder and put it in a bag,
Then strapped the bag onto your self.
And you walked around for a few hours,
On the top of a ledge where people saw you,
After a few hours, you think you have decided what's best.
You jump,
So as you fell towards the earth what were your final thoughts?
Or was it then decided not to do it, and realized it was a mistake after all?
That would explain the struggle to survive in the water
And your frantic cry's for help.
They tried to save you - really.
And they would of have no problem,
If you didn't have the boulder tightly fastened to your body.
Your parents cried, and your close friends wept too,
You meant more than you will ever know to the people you knew.
We probably should have all seen it coming,
You giving your things back to your friends,
The one-way ticket that you said was just to get out of town.
So your life ended where you thought for a moment you wanted it to.
Lake Erie.
You have effected so many,
The worst part of it all, is your own brother, is not even shaken up,
And just thinks it will be weird not seeing you in your room.
You will be in our memories.
Rest in Peace

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001
Dedicated to Morgan

1:46 am

To you I write because you are taking over my mind,
I am not myself, without you.
I cannot stop you from being in my thoughts,
I sit and I ask myself,
Should I call her?
Does she hate me?
I know that we have done wrong,
And that we should have both by now moved on,
But my love for you had not.
All I'm asking for now,
Is not for a second chance,
But for your heartfelt forgiveness
Can you find it in your heart,
To talk to me again?
To look at me again?
Give me another chance to prove myself
After all was said and done, I hated you.
Me and you breaking up, tore my soul out
It brought me from wherever I was, to an all time low.
I need you now, but I cannot find you
Where are you?
You know my number, why don't you use it?
Did I hurt you that much?
I'm sorry.
Just sit down and talk to me - face to face
Tell me how you feel
The last thing I want now is for you to have hard feelings towards me.
Please talk to me,
I still care I'm still here for you.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

This is Me

I cannot control it
My cry is lost in the night
Each hour, each second brings me closer to death
Depression and a hatred filled with anger overcomes me
Tears of anger flow down my face
The once salty taste of a tear is now blood
I am bleeding on the inside and not the outside
My mind races for answers
Why? these friends, these people that surround me sometimes simply fade out
They fade out of my life and out of my trust
Exciting yet depressing moments arise,
When you meet a potential...
A potential friend.
Exciting is the fact that you have finally met someone new,
Depressing is realizing that your dreaming.
But the taste of blood lingers
Is it the lack of love that once filled you?
The way you USE to think of people?
Or is it just reality hitting you
It is reality because I am awake
The cause for bleeding on the inside would be...
My Emotions
As they run deep through my veins,
They also consume me as a person
This is me,.... or is it you?

Poem by J.A.D. © 2001

--- © Poetry Section from year 2000 and Before ---

No Control

I'm like a free falling plane,
Soon to crash
Nobody will see me
I will be gone - in the blink of an eye.
People come with Impact
I come with nothing
People leave with friends,
I leave with enemies,
I have no control - over this thing,
This object I crave
My life is out of my own hands
And into the hands of others
Although I fear death, I know it well
Dreams of it scare me
Alas it is no better, because life annoys me
Everything around me, I know with uncertainty
My head is like a time bomb.
Sooner or later I'm bound to explode.
I'll fly off the handle like I have before
People watch and stare as I realize my self,
My actions towards others
After I'm dead people will look at my life and see
That no part of it has or ever been salvageable
I have doomed myself in my own life
Because I have no Control.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2000

It's just a thing

It's just a thing,
Just a thing on T.V. or in a movie,
You see the perfect life,
Staring you in your eyes, looking deep into you.
You pass it by but it still somehow lingers in your mind.
How can it happen?
Why does it happen?
I stare and sometimes daze off,
Wondering what a perfect life would be like,
Would I be rich? Popular? or not -
What would I have to do,
In order to feel the love that you see in the movies,
Where someone would give up eternity for that person.
I long for this, as I do not have it.
It is a security, but something that can make or break you.
Why do I want this so much?
I am moved with these movies.
Where the love is so deep,
And yet still things go wrong and people get hurt,
But still, I want it. - why?
Is this thing, this passion I see actually true?
Or am I oblivious to reality?
I want to have someone to hold
Someone to care for and to love.
Someone to care for Me,
and to love Me for who I am.
Will I ever find this person?
This thing I crave?
I look for it everywhere and anywhere possible.
Am I looking too hard?
So I push forward and hope to find something nice,
If I don't then I need to remember, it's not everything,
It's not anything,
It's just a thing.

Poem by J.A.D. © 2000

My own

My own personal Hell,
One which I can make worse,
I dwell on things,
think of things past,
and think of a lonely future.
Is this my own hell?
I feel no love,
More hate from all,
I feel no control on anything.
Who can stop this?
Go to bed just to think of what another retched day brings.
Can someone stop this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do others annoy me so easily?
Why do I want things I cannot have?
This is my life,
This is my story.
It is like a hole burning in my flesh.
It annoys me
It hurts me,
It is me.
Who can I turn too?
My self?
I have no clue what things are real in my life,
What things will last?
What people will last,
Where do I stand?
Who cares ? - nobody
I'm in my own personal Hell

Poem by J.A.D. © 2000

Dating

I sit and think of you, often until I fall asleep.
I crave you - your body,
What's a guy to do when he's in love with you?
Your kiss, your touch,
I fall in love with you all over again, every time I see you.
I never want to loose you,
The fear of losing you is very real and it scares me,
For the fact of the matter is,
If every guy knew you as well as I do,
You would be the most popular sought out girl.
Never let this change,
Never let us change.
I have never poured my heart my life, my soul, out as much as now.
It's because I have complete trust in you.
You are my girlfriend and you are my best friend.
I love hearing you,
Just talking.
It drives me crazy, when I can't be with you.
You drive me crazy,
I could not picture my life, without you.
You mean so much to me
That I'm sure I would crumble, if I ever lost you.
I get sad just thinking of my life without you and your love.
Let's not find out how things would turn out.
You will always have a place in my heart.
I love you.
- Jason

Poem by J.A.D. © 2000

Notice poem

I know a universal studios Hollywood
Screaming people, horns honking,
Trying to find a space
The back to the future the ride thrilling many
As they chant for more
I know a universal studios Hollywood
Popcorn being eaten
Water hitting the ground making humidity,
Gasoline in the Backdraft event.
I know a universal studios
“please sit down until the ride is over”
“that will be two dollars and fifty cents”
“thank you and have a nice day”
I know Universal studios (Hollywood)

Poem by J.A.D. © 1998

The Rockie ride

What’s that?
Oh just humans
Why are they picking me up?
Here I go
Its dark in here, and a very bumpy ride
Hey we stopped, why are you picking me up?
Where am I, what are you eating…
Oh gorp it looks good and smells good too
Back to the cabin
At least we got away from those smelly mushrooms
Hey where are you putting me
Zippp!
Why am I in a cool soapy smelling place?
Whew!
A new day me all rested and ready to go
This trip is full of adventures
At least I can see out of a pocket he has
Look.. Bacon… I get all the crumbs I need.
That was good, where are we going next?
...One day later...
Back to a suit case,
I think my adventure is over.

Poem by J.A.D. © 1997
Special Guest : Rockie

Who am I?

I am a brother
I am athletic
I am a friend
I am a singer
I am a violinist
I am a super Nintendo player
I am a TV. watcher
I am a animal lover
I am a student
I am a change agent
I a son
I am a story teller
I am a listener
I am a classical freak
I am a person
I am a video game player
I am a basketball card collector
I am a bicycler
I am funny
I am a nature lover
I am a jersey collector
I am a partner
I am talker
But most of all I am myself.

Poem by J.A.D. © 1992

Nature

As the misty morning fog sets in,
I have the sensation of another day starting
With nature still asleep I walk outside
I can almost smell the newness of another day
I see hints of light behind a mountain
Signaling another day to come in
Looking around... I see a deer
Drinking so gracefully out of a near by stream
This is a morning to remember

Poem by J.A.D. © 1995

Rain drops

Sparkling raindrops
Like diamonds coming down
Can you hear them patter?

Poem by J.A.D. © 1990